By Señor © 2002
Misadventures from the Philippines, Part I
Upon arrival it seemed they were not gonna let me in and upon departure it seemed they were not gonna let me out! Yet the true adventure lies in between. I ignored all warnings from parents, friends, and my government and headed off to the Philippines for vacation. Immigration was brutal! Never before had I been grilled so thoroughly. Everyone before me casually strolled through immigration in one to two minutes. Twenty minutes after my grilling began I was still answering questions. Why was I entering the Philippines? Where would I be staying? Where would I be going? Why had I spent so much time in Southeast Asia? What is my daily routine in Thailand? Do I have any affiliation with Muslim or Islam? The questions seemed to go on and on. Sweat soaked my entire body. Were they actually not gonna let me in? Finally my passport was stamped and I was on my way.
I didn't exactly know what to expect from Manila so I pre-booked myself into a five star hotel. Driving in the non-air conditioned bus, after that grilling, I was glad that I had. All I was thinking about was a seamless check-in and a nice, long, hot bath. The bus dropped me off close to the hotel and I made a beeline to the entrance. Before I could get through the door the police stopped me. Apparently before entering any building in the Philippines all persons and baggage must be checked. I guess that in a country terrorized frequently by bombings you can't be too careful. My bag passed inspection without incident. I wish I could say the same about my person.
Policeman: "May I see your passport please?"
"Ok, Mr. Señor, please take off your shirt"
"Ok, now Mr. Señor, please take off your pants."
Yes, I was getting stripped searched! Usually I am quite happy to take off my pants in public, but somehow this experience didn't live up to the others! There I was in nothing but my underwear! Everyone was staring. Men whistled in jest. Women were awed by the vast amount of my precious body hair. And all I could think was thank god I didn't wear the underwear with shit stains! Oh no, the search was not over yet.
The cop leaned over and whispered into my ear, "Mr. Señor, I will not ask you to remove your underwear in this public place. However for security reasons I must ask you to let me have a peek."
Unbelievable! What do you say to that? My first night in this foreign country? Should I have said, "Fuck off you goddamn pervert?" Well, I didn't. He peeked and smiled and I dressed and went on my way!
The hotel was truly opulent and the marble bathroom in my room was calling my name. After a long, hot bath I settled down a bit and even started to feel pretty good. I decided a good meal was in order. I headed to the food court at the mall next door. Of course I had to go through a metal detector and get frisked, but this time there were no problems. The food court was unbelievably western, filled with KFC, McDonalds, Burger King, Kenny Rogers' Rotisserie, Dunkin' Donuts and more! I opted for the Filipino food and ordered the vegetarian special, which consisted of rice with "beef" and pork! This didn't faze me. I was ready for dessert. That evening's dessert was walking around the packed mall and checking out the gorgeous Filipino women.
My luck was about to change for the better. Or so it seemed at the time. Two very hot Filipino women approached me and asked if I would like to join them for coffee. Things were going fine until someone came running toward us, grabbed one of the girls' purses, and took off. We chased him and before I knew it literally ten undercover security guards had caught the culprit. We spent the next hour filling out paper work in the security office. Afterwards, the three of us decided that we needed a drink. Normally I don't drink but this night I was fully prepared to make an exception. Off we went.
Four hours later, after lots of laughing, dancing, and drinking we found ourselves back in my hotel room. I'd noticed there was a lot of touchy feely going on between the two ladies on the dance floor and my excitement about the immediate possibilities was at a peak. I was not disappointed as the ladies began to dirty dance and strip each other. I'm not a big fan of breast implants, and the four breasts standing in front of me were blatantly fake yet perfect! My erection was rock hard and I was ready to join the fun. As I began to caress one's breasts they both removed each other’s pants. To my shock and dismay each of them had an erection as hard as my own! Instantly mine diminished and within five minutes I had the two transvestites out of my room. I must have stayed in the shower for an hour trying to scrub off the filthy feeling that encompassed my entire body. Why must Asian transvestites be so fucking beautiful and ladylike?
Señor is a pants dropper who lived in Samui, Thailand, and now currently resides in Rhode Island. This story originally appeared in the December 2002 issue of Truckin'.
Showing posts with label Senor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Senor. Show all posts
June 16, 2004
June 16, 2003
The Graveyard Shift
By Senor © 2003
I had never worked the graveyard shift before and I wasn't looking forward to it. To be perfectly honest with you I wasn't exactly sure how I was gonna handle it. Since I started working in the Hospitality Industry I have either worked the 7AM - 3PM shift or the 3PM - 11PM shift. My body was used to waking up early and going to bed early. How was I ever going to stay awake for an 11PM - 7AM shift? Coffee would be the obvious answer, but I don't drink coffee or any caffeine for that matter. Back in the day I've pulled many all nighters. However, going to work high on LSD, shrooms or ecstasy doesn't seem to be a smart move. So what should I do? My shift was not due to start until Tuesday night. I decided I would stay awake all night Monday, then sleep all day Tuesday and be good to go for work Tuesday night.
Ok, great. One problem settled and now I had a new one. How the fuck was I gonna stay awake all night on Monday? Providence is a great little city. The downtown is safe and clean. The suburbs are beautiful. The atmosphere is laid back and the people are friendly, but Party Central Providence it’s not. The bars close by 2AM and even the whorehouses shut down before Midnight (not that I have ever been, but I did call to find out the hours. Let’s just call it research for my story)! Providence is about as far away from the city that never sleeps as one could possibly be. How was I going to entertain my self through out the night? Well the answer was simple and lay a mere 44 miles away. FOXWOODS! What better place to go to while away the wee hours of the morning than a casino. A few months earlier a McGrupp introduced me to a game called Texas Hold’ em in a poker room in Las Vegas. Since then we tried our luck playing in rooms in Atlantic City. Now it was Foxwoods time. I enjoy Hold ‘em, but I'm not addicted to it and felt no need to play it on this particular evening. However the greatest thing about Hold ‘em is that if you play super conservatively you can play for four to five hours, have a blast and not lose more than $50.
By 11:30pm I was seated at a $2-$4 low limit Texas Hold ‘em game. I was not there to win money. Hell, I wasn't even there to have a good time. I was there for one reason: to stay up all night. The first few hours passed by rather uneventfully. I actually played pretty well. I was never down more than $20 and was up as much as $60. I enjoyed the comradery that one can only establish with one's fellow players while playing Hold ‘em at 3:00AM on a Monday night/Tuesday morning.
And then she showed up and everything changed. Her name was Nga and she was gorgeous. She was our dealer and I was psyched. For the next 45 minutes I completely blocked out the other nine players sitting around the table and focused all my efforts on flirting with Nga. She's Vietnamese and I recently returned from a couple of trips to Vietnam, so we had an instant connection. Chemistry was in the air and I was suddenly thrilled to be at Foxwoods. Sadly, Nga's shift game to an end. She smiled at me and then walked out of my life, perhaps forever, or so I thought. After Nga left, the Hold ‘em game just wasn't the same. I decided to head over to the cashier and cashed out my winnings of $31. But it was only 4:00AM and I was not ready to head back home just yet. So I walked over to the bakery and lined up for some lemon meringue pie.
Before I made it to the front of the line Nga walked by. I caught her attention and the flirtation picked up right where we left off. Before I knew it we were in the employee's lounge chatting away. Nga spoke lovingly about her three children and told me about her husband. I told her about Angkana and our baby on the way. It was all very innocent until Nga began to get a little touchy feely. Fist it was a simple touch of my arm, then she caressed the hair away from my eyes and then her hand was on my thigh. This was a beautiful, sexy and very cool woman. Angkana or no Angkana, I was turned on! Nga grabbed my hand and whispered in my ear to follow her. Her hand was so soft and seemed to fit perfectly into my own. Without thinking I followed her into the ladies bathroom and we headed straight to the third stall from the right. Her kiss was magical. Just as I was about to be completely swept away and lost in the moment, I pushed Nga away. I told her as much as I wanted to, I could not do this. Nga cried hysterically and collapsed into my arms. She told me that she never cheated on her husband before, but they were going through an awful time and she hadn't felt chemistry like she felt with me in a long, long time. I explained to her that I felt the chemistry as well and what could have been if we had only met under other circumstances. She thanked me for stopping things and kissed me on the cheek goodbye.
As I drove home to Providence I was confused. Was I proud of myself for stopping things? Was I a compete idiot for not taking advantage of one last hurrah with a beautiful woman before settling down forever? Bottom line? Who gives a shit! All that mattered to me was I had accomplished my goal: I stayed up all night. Now I’m ready for the graveyard shift.
Senor is currently living in Providence, Rhode Island.
I had never worked the graveyard shift before and I wasn't looking forward to it. To be perfectly honest with you I wasn't exactly sure how I was gonna handle it. Since I started working in the Hospitality Industry I have either worked the 7AM - 3PM shift or the 3PM - 11PM shift. My body was used to waking up early and going to bed early. How was I ever going to stay awake for an 11PM - 7AM shift? Coffee would be the obvious answer, but I don't drink coffee or any caffeine for that matter. Back in the day I've pulled many all nighters. However, going to work high on LSD, shrooms or ecstasy doesn't seem to be a smart move. So what should I do? My shift was not due to start until Tuesday night. I decided I would stay awake all night Monday, then sleep all day Tuesday and be good to go for work Tuesday night.
Ok, great. One problem settled and now I had a new one. How the fuck was I gonna stay awake all night on Monday? Providence is a great little city. The downtown is safe and clean. The suburbs are beautiful. The atmosphere is laid back and the people are friendly, but Party Central Providence it’s not. The bars close by 2AM and even the whorehouses shut down before Midnight (not that I have ever been, but I did call to find out the hours. Let’s just call it research for my story)! Providence is about as far away from the city that never sleeps as one could possibly be. How was I going to entertain my self through out the night? Well the answer was simple and lay a mere 44 miles away. FOXWOODS! What better place to go to while away the wee hours of the morning than a casino. A few months earlier a McGrupp introduced me to a game called Texas Hold’ em in a poker room in Las Vegas. Since then we tried our luck playing in rooms in Atlantic City. Now it was Foxwoods time. I enjoy Hold ‘em, but I'm not addicted to it and felt no need to play it on this particular evening. However the greatest thing about Hold ‘em is that if you play super conservatively you can play for four to five hours, have a blast and not lose more than $50.
By 11:30pm I was seated at a $2-$4 low limit Texas Hold ‘em game. I was not there to win money. Hell, I wasn't even there to have a good time. I was there for one reason: to stay up all night. The first few hours passed by rather uneventfully. I actually played pretty well. I was never down more than $20 and was up as much as $60. I enjoyed the comradery that one can only establish with one's fellow players while playing Hold ‘em at 3:00AM on a Monday night/Tuesday morning.
And then she showed up and everything changed. Her name was Nga and she was gorgeous. She was our dealer and I was psyched. For the next 45 minutes I completely blocked out the other nine players sitting around the table and focused all my efforts on flirting with Nga. She's Vietnamese and I recently returned from a couple of trips to Vietnam, so we had an instant connection. Chemistry was in the air and I was suddenly thrilled to be at Foxwoods. Sadly, Nga's shift game to an end. She smiled at me and then walked out of my life, perhaps forever, or so I thought. After Nga left, the Hold ‘em game just wasn't the same. I decided to head over to the cashier and cashed out my winnings of $31. But it was only 4:00AM and I was not ready to head back home just yet. So I walked over to the bakery and lined up for some lemon meringue pie.
Before I made it to the front of the line Nga walked by. I caught her attention and the flirtation picked up right where we left off. Before I knew it we were in the employee's lounge chatting away. Nga spoke lovingly about her three children and told me about her husband. I told her about Angkana and our baby on the way. It was all very innocent until Nga began to get a little touchy feely. Fist it was a simple touch of my arm, then she caressed the hair away from my eyes and then her hand was on my thigh. This was a beautiful, sexy and very cool woman. Angkana or no Angkana, I was turned on! Nga grabbed my hand and whispered in my ear to follow her. Her hand was so soft and seemed to fit perfectly into my own. Without thinking I followed her into the ladies bathroom and we headed straight to the third stall from the right. Her kiss was magical. Just as I was about to be completely swept away and lost in the moment, I pushed Nga away. I told her as much as I wanted to, I could not do this. Nga cried hysterically and collapsed into my arms. She told me that she never cheated on her husband before, but they were going through an awful time and she hadn't felt chemistry like she felt with me in a long, long time. I explained to her that I felt the chemistry as well and what could have been if we had only met under other circumstances. She thanked me for stopping things and kissed me on the cheek goodbye.
As I drove home to Providence I was confused. Was I proud of myself for stopping things? Was I a compete idiot for not taking advantage of one last hurrah with a beautiful woman before settling down forever? Bottom line? Who gives a shit! All that mattered to me was I had accomplished my goal: I stayed up all night. Now I’m ready for the graveyard shift.
Senor is currently living in Providence, Rhode Island.
March 14, 2003
Sisters
By Señor © 2003
Chetra is pure innocence. She is a sweet, loving, caring, 18 year old virgin, and having a tight little body is a great added bonus. During my last visit to Cambodia, Chetra shared my bed every night. True, she is still a virgin, but I must admit cuddling up with such a beautiful women, inside and out, was thrilling and wonderful. Chetra loves me with all her heart and desperately wishes to marry me. You know what? I love her too and could do a lot worse when it comes to choosing a bride. There is just one small problem. Soghin.
Soghin is a seductress. She has supermodel looks and a great personality to boot! Not only do I like her as a person but I also lust after her like I've never lusted before. Soghin also loves me and would marry me in a heartbeat. You know what? I love her too and could do a lot worse!
Chetra and Soghin are SISTERS! Sisters that I will be moving in with in less than a week. Well, this is a precarious situation at best. I know that Chetra will expect to share my bed. Soghin does not know anything about this, nor do I know how she will handle it. I decided to be upfront with Soghin and tell her everything before we move in together.
I was in Thailand and flew Soghin into Bangkok to meet her for a couple of days of hardcore heart to heart conversations. As honesty is the best policy, I believed my plan was flawless.
Well not flawless exactly. First of all, getting only one hotel room for the two of us probably wasn't the smartest idea and thinking I could control my lust for her was just plain stupid. I picked Soghin up at the airport and when I hugged her hello she gently brushed her crotch area against mine. We were soon holding hands, then caressing one another and then, well, let’s just say separate beds were not necessary. Soghin and I are enjoying each other and having a wonderful time. Normally fulfilling one's sexual fantasy's is a good thing, but what the hell is gonna happen when I move in with both sisters! I have now shared my bed with both lovely young sisters and neither knows the truth about the other.
The moment of truth came after I confessed everything to Soghin. I told her that I was quite sure that Chetra planned to sleep with me every night once we move in together. Fist Soghin was shocked. The she calmly told me that Chetra is 18 now, no longer a child, and she could do as she pleased. Now it was my turn to be in shock. Her answer both excited and angered me. Instead of accepting the fact that Soghin was OK with me hooking up with her sister I yelled out, "What about us? Don't I mean anything to you?"
Boy the fucking ego can really get in the way! But this was one time I was glad I pushed. Soghin then told me that if Chetra wanted me to herself at nighttime that was OK with her because Chetra works from 1:00pm to 10:00pm and that time will be Soghin time!
Señor, a pants dropper, was last seen living in Cambodia.
Chetra is pure innocence. She is a sweet, loving, caring, 18 year old virgin, and having a tight little body is a great added bonus. During my last visit to Cambodia, Chetra shared my bed every night. True, she is still a virgin, but I must admit cuddling up with such a beautiful women, inside and out, was thrilling and wonderful. Chetra loves me with all her heart and desperately wishes to marry me. You know what? I love her too and could do a lot worse when it comes to choosing a bride. There is just one small problem. Soghin.
Soghin is a seductress. She has supermodel looks and a great personality to boot! Not only do I like her as a person but I also lust after her like I've never lusted before. Soghin also loves me and would marry me in a heartbeat. You know what? I love her too and could do a lot worse!
Chetra and Soghin are SISTERS! Sisters that I will be moving in with in less than a week. Well, this is a precarious situation at best. I know that Chetra will expect to share my bed. Soghin does not know anything about this, nor do I know how she will handle it. I decided to be upfront with Soghin and tell her everything before we move in together.
I was in Thailand and flew Soghin into Bangkok to meet her for a couple of days of hardcore heart to heart conversations. As honesty is the best policy, I believed my plan was flawless.
Well not flawless exactly. First of all, getting only one hotel room for the two of us probably wasn't the smartest idea and thinking I could control my lust for her was just plain stupid. I picked Soghin up at the airport and when I hugged her hello she gently brushed her crotch area against mine. We were soon holding hands, then caressing one another and then, well, let’s just say separate beds were not necessary. Soghin and I are enjoying each other and having a wonderful time. Normally fulfilling one's sexual fantasy's is a good thing, but what the hell is gonna happen when I move in with both sisters! I have now shared my bed with both lovely young sisters and neither knows the truth about the other.
The moment of truth came after I confessed everything to Soghin. I told her that I was quite sure that Chetra planned to sleep with me every night once we move in together. Fist Soghin was shocked. The she calmly told me that Chetra is 18 now, no longer a child, and she could do as she pleased. Now it was my turn to be in shock. Her answer both excited and angered me. Instead of accepting the fact that Soghin was OK with me hooking up with her sister I yelled out, "What about us? Don't I mean anything to you?"
Boy the fucking ego can really get in the way! But this was one time I was glad I pushed. Soghin then told me that if Chetra wanted me to herself at nighttime that was OK with her because Chetra works from 1:00pm to 10:00pm and that time will be Soghin time!
Señor, a pants dropper, was last seen living in Cambodia.
February 15, 2003
Just Your Average Week in Nepal
By Señor © 2003
Once again I dared to enter a forbidden zone and once again I survived, barely! One of these days my luck is gonna run out. Until then I'll continue to push the limits and if nothing else my life will be full of adventure. Everyone warned me not to go to the Philippines back in November, but I went and was happy I did so. When people warned me of the dangerous of the Maoist Rebels in Nepal, I simply dismissed such tales as negative press and gross exaggerations of the truth.
I went to Nepal and my trip started off wonderfully. Entering Nepal was a life long dream come true. Just walking the streets of Thamel, the tourist center of Katmandu, was thrilling. The delightful "namaste" greetings and warm smiles I received from the Nepali people eased all my fears of any trouble that might be lurking. I had expected to find warm, kind, friendly people, and even my lofty expectations were surpassed. Felling especially lucky to be in Katmandu, I decided to head over to the "Nepal Casino."
It was a little intimidating at first seeing the crowded tables and trying to convert the foreign currency into dollars to figure out just how much people were betting. To make things a bit more complicated although we were in Nepal bets were only accepted in Indian rupees. Anyway, all the intimidation quickly faded as I realized most of the people were betting 20 rupees a pop or the equivalent of 50 cents! I started my betting at $5 and people thought I was nuts. Within 5 minutes the casino manger came over to offer me a complementary meal and room. A few seconds later my first scotch and soda arrived. Apparently I was the only one in the casino who tipped. Even a 50-cent tip drew the attention of all the waiters. For the remainder of the night they were literally pushing and shoving each other to get close to me just to have the chance to serve me a drink! By the time I made a $10 bet a crowd of over 100 people had surrounded my table. When I hit blackjack the crowd exploded in applause. I now knew what it felt like to be a high roller. I walked away with $40 in my pocket and I believe I was the biggest winner that place had ever seen.
The next day I was of to Pokhara. Pokhara is a quaint town located in the heart of the Pokhara valley. It is famous for its beautiful lakes and is surrounded by the majestic Himalayan mountain range. It is the perfect spot to relax or to set out on one of many world renown treks. I had been warned that these treks were often infested with Maoist rebels, but the trekking guide that I hired told me that all such stories were bullshit, so we were on our way. The trek to Dhampus was challenging, but the exhilarating views made every step worthwhile. As I looked down upon the clouds below me I was literally standing on cloud 9. That night we camped in a rustic but lovely guest house, had a delicious meal of authentic Nepali curry and Tibetan bread and headed off to bed early to prepare for an early morning sunrise trek. I felt so fortunate to be alive, camping in the Himalayas and listening to my newly bought chanting monks CD followed of course by the Dead. Little did I know that "every silver lining has a touch of gray" would be so foreshadowing.
About 4 hours into out trek we were suddenly surrounded by 12 men wearing camouflage and carrying semi-automatic machine guns. Yes, I had come face to face with the Maoist rebels. My guide did not handle the situation too well. His short quickly became wet with urine and he fell to his knees crying hysterically. I, on the other hand was cool as ice. From the waist up that is. My legs were a different story, they were quivering like Jell-O uncontrollably I must have looked like I was having a seizure. I angrily noted the smiles on the rebel’s faces as they stared at my guide and my legs, but I wasn't about to do anything about it. The leader approached me and told me not to worry. The rebels only wanted a small donation to their cause. If I were willing to pay no harm would come to me. To my shock he only asked for 500 Nepali rupees or $6.50. I gladly handed over the money and in return he actually gave me a receipt! He told me if I was approached by any other Maoists I should just show them this receipt and they will allow me to pass with no problems. As suddenly as they had appeared they were gone. Come to think of it they were pretty nice guys!
Within a few hours my legs stopped shaking and everything was back to normal. Now as I sit in a cafe in Hue' Vietnam, reflecting upon my Nepal experience I realize that in a country filled with such gentle loving people even the rebels are nice! Once again I had gone to a country that I "shouldn't" have gone to and once again I was happy that I did so. Granted I had never been so terrified in all my life but when it was all said and done it was all just your average week in Nepal.
Señor is a pants dropper from Samui, Thailand.
Once again I dared to enter a forbidden zone and once again I survived, barely! One of these days my luck is gonna run out. Until then I'll continue to push the limits and if nothing else my life will be full of adventure. Everyone warned me not to go to the Philippines back in November, but I went and was happy I did so. When people warned me of the dangerous of the Maoist Rebels in Nepal, I simply dismissed such tales as negative press and gross exaggerations of the truth.
I went to Nepal and my trip started off wonderfully. Entering Nepal was a life long dream come true. Just walking the streets of Thamel, the tourist center of Katmandu, was thrilling. The delightful "namaste" greetings and warm smiles I received from the Nepali people eased all my fears of any trouble that might be lurking. I had expected to find warm, kind, friendly people, and even my lofty expectations were surpassed. Felling especially lucky to be in Katmandu, I decided to head over to the "Nepal Casino."
It was a little intimidating at first seeing the crowded tables and trying to convert the foreign currency into dollars to figure out just how much people were betting. To make things a bit more complicated although we were in Nepal bets were only accepted in Indian rupees. Anyway, all the intimidation quickly faded as I realized most of the people were betting 20 rupees a pop or the equivalent of 50 cents! I started my betting at $5 and people thought I was nuts. Within 5 minutes the casino manger came over to offer me a complementary meal and room. A few seconds later my first scotch and soda arrived. Apparently I was the only one in the casino who tipped. Even a 50-cent tip drew the attention of all the waiters. For the remainder of the night they were literally pushing and shoving each other to get close to me just to have the chance to serve me a drink! By the time I made a $10 bet a crowd of over 100 people had surrounded my table. When I hit blackjack the crowd exploded in applause. I now knew what it felt like to be a high roller. I walked away with $40 in my pocket and I believe I was the biggest winner that place had ever seen.
The next day I was of to Pokhara. Pokhara is a quaint town located in the heart of the Pokhara valley. It is famous for its beautiful lakes and is surrounded by the majestic Himalayan mountain range. It is the perfect spot to relax or to set out on one of many world renown treks. I had been warned that these treks were often infested with Maoist rebels, but the trekking guide that I hired told me that all such stories were bullshit, so we were on our way. The trek to Dhampus was challenging, but the exhilarating views made every step worthwhile. As I looked down upon the clouds below me I was literally standing on cloud 9. That night we camped in a rustic but lovely guest house, had a delicious meal of authentic Nepali curry and Tibetan bread and headed off to bed early to prepare for an early morning sunrise trek. I felt so fortunate to be alive, camping in the Himalayas and listening to my newly bought chanting monks CD followed of course by the Dead. Little did I know that "every silver lining has a touch of gray" would be so foreshadowing.
About 4 hours into out trek we were suddenly surrounded by 12 men wearing camouflage and carrying semi-automatic machine guns. Yes, I had come face to face with the Maoist rebels. My guide did not handle the situation too well. His short quickly became wet with urine and he fell to his knees crying hysterically. I, on the other hand was cool as ice. From the waist up that is. My legs were a different story, they were quivering like Jell-O uncontrollably I must have looked like I was having a seizure. I angrily noted the smiles on the rebel’s faces as they stared at my guide and my legs, but I wasn't about to do anything about it. The leader approached me and told me not to worry. The rebels only wanted a small donation to their cause. If I were willing to pay no harm would come to me. To my shock he only asked for 500 Nepali rupees or $6.50. I gladly handed over the money and in return he actually gave me a receipt! He told me if I was approached by any other Maoists I should just show them this receipt and they will allow me to pass with no problems. As suddenly as they had appeared they were gone. Come to think of it they were pretty nice guys!
Within a few hours my legs stopped shaking and everything was back to normal. Now as I sit in a cafe in Hue' Vietnam, reflecting upon my Nepal experience I realize that in a country filled with such gentle loving people even the rebels are nice! Once again I had gone to a country that I "shouldn't" have gone to and once again I was happy that I did so. Granted I had never been so terrified in all my life but when it was all said and done it was all just your average week in Nepal.
Señor is a pants dropper from Samui, Thailand.
January 23, 2003
Misadventures from the Philippines Part II
By Señor © 2002
"There's a Red Bird over yonder"
What more could go wrong? My first night in Manila was enough to make me want to leave the country forever. But I wasn't ready to condemn the whole country for one bad night in one city. I decided to stick around the Philippines, but you can be damned sure I got the hell out of Manila ASAP! One of the Philippines claims to fame is the rice terraces which are considered to be the 8th Wonder of the World. So I headed up to North Luzon and a small town called Banaue. Banaue is only 150 miles north of Manila but it might as well be in a different world. It took 9 hours by car to get there. The single lane dirt road, which weaved up and down sheer cliffs, was not for the weak of heart. But the scenery was spectacular and we made it in one piece.
Banaue and the entire region are home to the indigenous people of the Philippines. It is an area where very few households have electricity. Cell phones and the internet are unheard of and tribal warfare is still common. And Banaue is considered there to be the big city! In order to really see the most spectacular of the rice terraces one must go to a small village called Batad, home to 30 natives. Batad is only four miles from Banaue but they have no roads. The only way to get there is to hike up and over a mountain. It was strongly recommended that I hire a local guide to take me there, as I am not familiar with the route or local customs. Early the next morning I hired a local guide who spoke very little English. A man who wore nothing but a loincloth and carried a bow and arrow and a shotgun accompanied the two of us. OK! By the way, he spoke NO English. I was surprised that my guide carried a tent with him and many bags full of food. After all, I figured a four-mile hike couldn’t take but a few hours. Little did I know!
Forty-five minutes later we were three quarters up the mountain and making pretty good time. All of a sudden a beautiful red bird flew across us, coming from our west and heading east. As this occurred both my guide and the loin clothed man let out a shriek. From what I could understand from their broken English was: if this red bird flies across your path from the west heading east it means death is lurking. The only way to avoid the death is to retrace one's steps. I was sure they were kidding and continued up the mountain. I looked up to find the barrel of the loin clothed man's shotgun pointed at my face. It was then I realized they were very serious and down the mountain we went. When we got to the bottom we turned around and headed back up. This time we only made it a half hour before the bird flew by again. We must have hiked a good 15 miles that day but by nightfall we were no closer to Batad than we had been at the start of the day. We set up the tent and that was that. The next day we set off again and encountered more of the same. Day Two did see us arrive at the top of the mountain and even a quarter of the way down the other side, but the fucking red bird kept coming! As day two ended we slept in the same spot as the night before. Would day three be a charm? It didn't start out that way. By noon we had already had to retrace out steps four times! I was very fed up with this never-ending hike. But to be quite frank, I was much too scared of the loin clothed man to say anything.
Things started to get interesting. Three-quarters up the mountain and here comes the bird again. However this time I realized I wasn't the only one fed up. The loin-clothed man threw down his bow and arrow, aimed and cocked his shotgun and just before the bird could cross our path he shot the bird dead. The man winked at me and proceeded up the mountain. I guess the death that was lurking was that of the bird! One and a half hours later I arrived in Batad. The natural beauty awaiting me was sensational and I had never been happier in my life to arrive anywhere! My only fear is that I would not make it back to Manila in time for my departure flight in two days.
Apparently our favorite loin-clothed man had killed the only red bird in the area. We had no trouble hiking back to Banuea and I made it back to Manila in plenty of time for my return flight to Bangkok. Ah, Thailand! How I longed to be back in Thailand, my utopia home for the last five months. As I got to the front of the Philippines Airlines check in line I was asked to produce my onward ticket to my next destination after Thailand.
"Thailand is my final destination. I have no onward ticket," I told them. To that they replied that it is Philippines Airline's policy not to let anyone with a non-Asian passport board a flight to Asia without an onward ticket. Just my luck! Most of the time I am scrambling to find ways to stay in a country. Here I was in the one country that I was very ready to get out of, and they were not letting me go! After much arguing they agreed to let me on board under two conditions: I had to sign a waiver saying that I have no onward ticket and I release Philippines airlines of any responsibility for allowing me to fly into Bangkok and they called Thailand immigration, telling them my name, passport number, flight information and that I was arriving with no onward ticket. The lovely Filipino women helping me told me that she had no clue if I would be allowed into Thailand or not, but it was now out of her hands. As I flew the three hours back to Thailand all I could think about was are they going to let me in the country? And if they don't where are they gonna send me?
Fortunately for me the person working at Immigration was a young beautiful Thai woman. I am not able to ask, "Where is the bathroom" with my limited knowledge of the Thai language but I can sweet talk a Thai woman in Thai with the best of them! In Samui the Thai girls all call me "dau chew" and "ba quan" which means flirt and sweet talker respectively. In a matter of five minutes with this lovely lady, not only was I allowed in the country but I also had a date for later that night! It was good to say "Farwell to the Philippines" and even better to be back in Thailand!
Señor is a pants dropper from Koh Samui, Thailand.
What more could go wrong? My first night in Manila was enough to make me want to leave the country forever. But I wasn't ready to condemn the whole country for one bad night in one city. I decided to stick around the Philippines, but you can be damned sure I got the hell out of Manila ASAP! One of the Philippines claims to fame is the rice terraces which are considered to be the 8th Wonder of the World. So I headed up to North Luzon and a small town called Banaue. Banaue is only 150 miles north of Manila but it might as well be in a different world. It took 9 hours by car to get there. The single lane dirt road, which weaved up and down sheer cliffs, was not for the weak of heart. But the scenery was spectacular and we made it in one piece.
Banaue and the entire region are home to the indigenous people of the Philippines. It is an area where very few households have electricity. Cell phones and the internet are unheard of and tribal warfare is still common. And Banaue is considered there to be the big city! In order to really see the most spectacular of the rice terraces one must go to a small village called Batad, home to 30 natives. Batad is only four miles from Banaue but they have no roads. The only way to get there is to hike up and over a mountain. It was strongly recommended that I hire a local guide to take me there, as I am not familiar with the route or local customs. Early the next morning I hired a local guide who spoke very little English. A man who wore nothing but a loincloth and carried a bow and arrow and a shotgun accompanied the two of us. OK! By the way, he spoke NO English. I was surprised that my guide carried a tent with him and many bags full of food. After all, I figured a four-mile hike couldn’t take but a few hours. Little did I know!
Forty-five minutes later we were three quarters up the mountain and making pretty good time. All of a sudden a beautiful red bird flew across us, coming from our west and heading east. As this occurred both my guide and the loin clothed man let out a shriek. From what I could understand from their broken English was: if this red bird flies across your path from the west heading east it means death is lurking. The only way to avoid the death is to retrace one's steps. I was sure they were kidding and continued up the mountain. I looked up to find the barrel of the loin clothed man's shotgun pointed at my face. It was then I realized they were very serious and down the mountain we went. When we got to the bottom we turned around and headed back up. This time we only made it a half hour before the bird flew by again. We must have hiked a good 15 miles that day but by nightfall we were no closer to Batad than we had been at the start of the day. We set up the tent and that was that. The next day we set off again and encountered more of the same. Day Two did see us arrive at the top of the mountain and even a quarter of the way down the other side, but the fucking red bird kept coming! As day two ended we slept in the same spot as the night before. Would day three be a charm? It didn't start out that way. By noon we had already had to retrace out steps four times! I was very fed up with this never-ending hike. But to be quite frank, I was much too scared of the loin clothed man to say anything.
Things started to get interesting. Three-quarters up the mountain and here comes the bird again. However this time I realized I wasn't the only one fed up. The loin-clothed man threw down his bow and arrow, aimed and cocked his shotgun and just before the bird could cross our path he shot the bird dead. The man winked at me and proceeded up the mountain. I guess the death that was lurking was that of the bird! One and a half hours later I arrived in Batad. The natural beauty awaiting me was sensational and I had never been happier in my life to arrive anywhere! My only fear is that I would not make it back to Manila in time for my departure flight in two days.
Apparently our favorite loin-clothed man had killed the only red bird in the area. We had no trouble hiking back to Banuea and I made it back to Manila in plenty of time for my return flight to Bangkok. Ah, Thailand! How I longed to be back in Thailand, my utopia home for the last five months. As I got to the front of the Philippines Airlines check in line I was asked to produce my onward ticket to my next destination after Thailand.
"Thailand is my final destination. I have no onward ticket," I told them. To that they replied that it is Philippines Airline's policy not to let anyone with a non-Asian passport board a flight to Asia without an onward ticket. Just my luck! Most of the time I am scrambling to find ways to stay in a country. Here I was in the one country that I was very ready to get out of, and they were not letting me go! After much arguing they agreed to let me on board under two conditions: I had to sign a waiver saying that I have no onward ticket and I release Philippines airlines of any responsibility for allowing me to fly into Bangkok and they called Thailand immigration, telling them my name, passport number, flight information and that I was arriving with no onward ticket. The lovely Filipino women helping me told me that she had no clue if I would be allowed into Thailand or not, but it was now out of her hands. As I flew the three hours back to Thailand all I could think about was are they going to let me in the country? And if they don't where are they gonna send me?
Fortunately for me the person working at Immigration was a young beautiful Thai woman. I am not able to ask, "Where is the bathroom" with my limited knowledge of the Thai language but I can sweet talk a Thai woman in Thai with the best of them! In Samui the Thai girls all call me "dau chew" and "ba quan" which means flirt and sweet talker respectively. In a matter of five minutes with this lovely lady, not only was I allowed in the country but I also had a date for later that night! It was good to say "Farwell to the Philippines" and even better to be back in Thailand!
Señor is a pants dropper from Koh Samui, Thailand.
Laughing Laughing, Señor falls apart!
By Señor © 2003
Two days in Bombay was too much! Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my brief stay, but there was no way I was going to stay for a third night. After relocating to Koh Samui, Thailand from New York City I realized how much I hate crowds. You have to fight your way through people in New York when you are taking a walk. On Samui space is in abundance and I was happy to have it. For five months I relished my space. Then I took off for India.
India is a huge country, but where are you going to put nearly one billion people? Everywhere I went, I fought the crowds and possibly no city in the world is quite as congested as Bombay. Each time I left my hotel room things got worse. The filth covered me from head to toe, the beggars latched onto me and the crowds nearly trampled me. I do not mean to sound so negative. Underneath all that filth and all those people is actually a lovely city! But it is so dirty that people are constantly spitting the filth from their mouths, so much so that there are actually spitting and no spitting zones marked by signs!
Anyway I was dealing pretty well until New Year's Eve came around. Apparently the Colaba area where my hotel is located is the Times Square of Bombay. By the time the clock struck midnight I had been spit on dozens of times, my self and my drink were filled with dust and I was pressed more tightly against those surrounding me than I had ever been on a New York subway during rush hour. In total disgust I fought my way to my Hotel. The next morning as soon as I awoke I checked out early and went straight to the airport. At the ticket window I told them that I didn't care where I was going, just get me on the next available flight out of here. I wound up in Bangalore.
Bangalore is the Capital of the Southern Indian state of Karnataka, a small city by Indian standards as only six million people live there. I wasn't worried about the crowds. First of all Bangalore has less than one third of the people that Bombay has and secondly according to my Lonely Planet guide there is a small village in the hills called Nandi Hills only an hour outside of the city. This is the place to "get away from it all." Apparently the Lonely Planet writers had never been there on New Year's Day. The place was mobbed! That was OK with me. Because such spectacular natural beauty surrounded me, I was able to ignore the crowds for the most part.
Before I continue I need to spend a moment telling you about Indian men. Indian men are the warmest, friendliest, most affectionate men I have ever come across. So affectionate that is it very common to see two heterosexual men holding hands as they walk down the street. Just as common are the sights of men walking arm in arm, men hugging and men kissing each other on the cheek. At first I thought all Indian men are gay! They are not. This is just the way it is. Now imagine how affectionate these men become when they are shitfaced. Well on New Year's Day they were shitfaced! I was literally swarmed by Indian men who were jumping into my arms, kissing my cheeks and wishing me a Happy New Year. I consider myself to be a man of love, but this was a little too much! After a day of hugging and kissing hundreds of men I was ready to return to my hotel in Bangalore.
I had rented a car and a driver for the day. It only cost me $20, which the average Indian cannot afford. Most Indians have to take the bus from Bangalore and then walk two hours to get up Nandi Hill. Driving off in my chauffeured car I realized how fortunate I truly am. Until we turned the next corner that is!
My driver was going a little too fast around a sharp corner and before I knew it I was involved in a head on collision with a Minivan. Everyone was shaken up a bit but luckily no one was seriously hurt. After the initial shock I just lost my shit and began cracking up hysterically. I don't know why I laughed, but I did and I could not stop! The driver of the minivan took exception to my laughter and began screaming at me in Hindi. This just made me laugh even harder. Next thing I know he clocked me square on the kisser! As I was being hit, several of the men I had hugged and kissed walked by. They saw what had happened and jumped in to defend me. All of a sudden, I, who had not been in a fistfight since 8th grade was in the middle of a battle royal. I never could have imagined that these Indian men, so full of love, could be so full of hate as well. Shortly after, the cops came and broke things up. Lucky for me I was not hurt too badly. No hospital was necessary to handle my black eye and bloody nose. In the meanwhile I just hope that my grotesque face will not scare off the lovely Indian ladies!
I am now on a train heading to the resort town of Ooty. There I plan on getting some serious R & R and I promise.... NO LAUGHING!
Señor is a pants dropper from Koh Samui, Thailand.
Two days in Bombay was too much! Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my brief stay, but there was no way I was going to stay for a third night. After relocating to Koh Samui, Thailand from New York City I realized how much I hate crowds. You have to fight your way through people in New York when you are taking a walk. On Samui space is in abundance and I was happy to have it. For five months I relished my space. Then I took off for India.
India is a huge country, but where are you going to put nearly one billion people? Everywhere I went, I fought the crowds and possibly no city in the world is quite as congested as Bombay. Each time I left my hotel room things got worse. The filth covered me from head to toe, the beggars latched onto me and the crowds nearly trampled me. I do not mean to sound so negative. Underneath all that filth and all those people is actually a lovely city! But it is so dirty that people are constantly spitting the filth from their mouths, so much so that there are actually spitting and no spitting zones marked by signs!
Anyway I was dealing pretty well until New Year's Eve came around. Apparently the Colaba area where my hotel is located is the Times Square of Bombay. By the time the clock struck midnight I had been spit on dozens of times, my self and my drink were filled with dust and I was pressed more tightly against those surrounding me than I had ever been on a New York subway during rush hour. In total disgust I fought my way to my Hotel. The next morning as soon as I awoke I checked out early and went straight to the airport. At the ticket window I told them that I didn't care where I was going, just get me on the next available flight out of here. I wound up in Bangalore.
Bangalore is the Capital of the Southern Indian state of Karnataka, a small city by Indian standards as only six million people live there. I wasn't worried about the crowds. First of all Bangalore has less than one third of the people that Bombay has and secondly according to my Lonely Planet guide there is a small village in the hills called Nandi Hills only an hour outside of the city. This is the place to "get away from it all." Apparently the Lonely Planet writers had never been there on New Year's Day. The place was mobbed! That was OK with me. Because such spectacular natural beauty surrounded me, I was able to ignore the crowds for the most part.
Before I continue I need to spend a moment telling you about Indian men. Indian men are the warmest, friendliest, most affectionate men I have ever come across. So affectionate that is it very common to see two heterosexual men holding hands as they walk down the street. Just as common are the sights of men walking arm in arm, men hugging and men kissing each other on the cheek. At first I thought all Indian men are gay! They are not. This is just the way it is. Now imagine how affectionate these men become when they are shitfaced. Well on New Year's Day they were shitfaced! I was literally swarmed by Indian men who were jumping into my arms, kissing my cheeks and wishing me a Happy New Year. I consider myself to be a man of love, but this was a little too much! After a day of hugging and kissing hundreds of men I was ready to return to my hotel in Bangalore.
I had rented a car and a driver for the day. It only cost me $20, which the average Indian cannot afford. Most Indians have to take the bus from Bangalore and then walk two hours to get up Nandi Hill. Driving off in my chauffeured car I realized how fortunate I truly am. Until we turned the next corner that is!
My driver was going a little too fast around a sharp corner and before I knew it I was involved in a head on collision with a Minivan. Everyone was shaken up a bit but luckily no one was seriously hurt. After the initial shock I just lost my shit and began cracking up hysterically. I don't know why I laughed, but I did and I could not stop! The driver of the minivan took exception to my laughter and began screaming at me in Hindi. This just made me laugh even harder. Next thing I know he clocked me square on the kisser! As I was being hit, several of the men I had hugged and kissed walked by. They saw what had happened and jumped in to defend me. All of a sudden, I, who had not been in a fistfight since 8th grade was in the middle of a battle royal. I never could have imagined that these Indian men, so full of love, could be so full of hate as well. Shortly after, the cops came and broke things up. Lucky for me I was not hurt too badly. No hospital was necessary to handle my black eye and bloody nose. In the meanwhile I just hope that my grotesque face will not scare off the lovely Indian ladies!
I am now on a train heading to the resort town of Ooty. There I plan on getting some serious R & R and I promise.... NO LAUGHING!
Señor is a pants dropper from Koh Samui, Thailand.
December 24, 2002
I'm Taking Off My Pants!
By Señor
Misadventures from the Philippines, Part I
Upon arrival it seemed they were not gonna let me in and upon departure it seemed they were not gonna let me out! Yet the true adventure lies in between. I ignored all warnings from parents, friends and my government and headed off to the Philippines for vacation. Immigration was brutal! Never before had I been grilled so thoroughly. Everyone before me casually strolled through immigration in 1 to 2 minutes. Twenty minutes after my grilling began I was still answering questions. Why was I entering the Philippines? Where would I be staying? Where would I be going? Why had I spent so much time in Southeast Asia? What is my daily routine in Thailand? Do I have any affiliation with Muslim or Islam? The questions seemed to go on and on. Sweat soaked my entire body. Were they actually not gonna let me in? Finally my passport was stamped and I was on my way.
I didn't exactly know what to expect from Manila so I pre-booked myself into a 5 star hotel. Driving in the air condition-less bus, after that grilling, I was glad that I did. All I was thinking about was a seamless check in and a nice long hot bath. The bus dropped me off close to the hotel and I made a beeline to the entrance. Before I could get through the door the police stopped me. Apparently before entering any building in the Philippines all persons and baggage must be checked. I guess that in a country terrorized by frequent bombings you can't be too careful. My bag passed inspection without incident. I wish I could say the same about my person.
Policeman: "May I see your passport please?"
"Ok, Mr. Señor, please take off your shirt"
"Ok, now Mr. Señor, please take off your pants."
Yes I was getting stripped searched! Usually I am quite happy to take off my pants in public, but somehow this experience didn't live up to the others! There I was in nothing but my underwear! Everyone was staring. Men whistled in jest. Women were awed by the vast amount of my precious body hair. And all I could think was thank god I didn't wear the underwear with shit stains! Oh no, the search was not over yet.
The cop leaned over and whispered into my ear, "Mr. Señor, I will not ask you to remove your underwear in this public place. However for security reasons I must ask you to let me have a peak."
Unbelievable! What do you say to that? My first night in a foreign country? Should I have said fuck off you goddamn pervert? Well I didn't. He peaked and smiled and I dressed and went on my way!
The hotel was truly opulent and the marble bathroom in my room was calling my name. After a long hot bath I settled down a bit and even started to feel pretty good. I decided a good meal was in order. I headed to the food court at the mall next door. Of course I had to go through a metal detector and got frisked, but this time there were no problems. The food court was unbelievably western, filled with KFC, McDonalds, Burger King, Kenny Rogers' Rotisserie, Dunkin' Doughnuts and more! I opted for the Filipino food and ordered the vegetarian special, which consisted of rice with "beef" and pork! This didn't faze me. I was ready for desert. That evening desert was walking around the packed mall and checking out the gorgeous Filipino women.
My luck was about to change for the better. Or so it seemed at the time. Two very hot Filipino women approached me and asked if I would like to join them for coffee. Things were going fine until someone came running toward us, grabbed one of the girl's purses and took off. We chased him and before I knew it literally 10 undercover security guards had caught the culprit. We spent the next hour filling out paper work in the security office. After, the three of us decided that we needed a drink. Normally I don't drink but this night I was fully prepared to make an exception. Off we went.
Four hours later after lots of laughing, dancing and drinking we found ourselves back in my hotel room. I'd noticed there was a lot of touchy feely going on between the two ladies on the dance floor and my excitement about the immediate possibilities was at a peak. I was not disappointed as the ladies began to dirty dance and strip each other. I'm not a big fan of breast implants, but the four breasts standing in front of me were blatantly fake yet perfect! My erection was rock hard and I was ready to join the fun. As I began to caress one's breasts they both removed each other’s pants. To my shock and dismay each of them had an erection as hard as my own! Instantly mine diminished and within five minutes I had the two transvestites out of my room. I must have stayed in the shower for an hour trying to scrub off the filthy feeling that encompassed my entire body. Why must Asian transvestites be so fucking beautiful and ladylike?
All in all it was quite a first night in the Philippines!
Señor is a pants dropper from Samui, Thailand.
Misadventures from the Philippines, Part I
Upon arrival it seemed they were not gonna let me in and upon departure it seemed they were not gonna let me out! Yet the true adventure lies in between. I ignored all warnings from parents, friends and my government and headed off to the Philippines for vacation. Immigration was brutal! Never before had I been grilled so thoroughly. Everyone before me casually strolled through immigration in 1 to 2 minutes. Twenty minutes after my grilling began I was still answering questions. Why was I entering the Philippines? Where would I be staying? Where would I be going? Why had I spent so much time in Southeast Asia? What is my daily routine in Thailand? Do I have any affiliation with Muslim or Islam? The questions seemed to go on and on. Sweat soaked my entire body. Were they actually not gonna let me in? Finally my passport was stamped and I was on my way.
I didn't exactly know what to expect from Manila so I pre-booked myself into a 5 star hotel. Driving in the air condition-less bus, after that grilling, I was glad that I did. All I was thinking about was a seamless check in and a nice long hot bath. The bus dropped me off close to the hotel and I made a beeline to the entrance. Before I could get through the door the police stopped me. Apparently before entering any building in the Philippines all persons and baggage must be checked. I guess that in a country terrorized by frequent bombings you can't be too careful. My bag passed inspection without incident. I wish I could say the same about my person.
Policeman: "May I see your passport please?"
"Ok, Mr. Señor, please take off your shirt"
"Ok, now Mr. Señor, please take off your pants."
Yes I was getting stripped searched! Usually I am quite happy to take off my pants in public, but somehow this experience didn't live up to the others! There I was in nothing but my underwear! Everyone was staring. Men whistled in jest. Women were awed by the vast amount of my precious body hair. And all I could think was thank god I didn't wear the underwear with shit stains! Oh no, the search was not over yet.
The cop leaned over and whispered into my ear, "Mr. Señor, I will not ask you to remove your underwear in this public place. However for security reasons I must ask you to let me have a peak."
Unbelievable! What do you say to that? My first night in a foreign country? Should I have said fuck off you goddamn pervert? Well I didn't. He peaked and smiled and I dressed and went on my way!
The hotel was truly opulent and the marble bathroom in my room was calling my name. After a long hot bath I settled down a bit and even started to feel pretty good. I decided a good meal was in order. I headed to the food court at the mall next door. Of course I had to go through a metal detector and got frisked, but this time there were no problems. The food court was unbelievably western, filled with KFC, McDonalds, Burger King, Kenny Rogers' Rotisserie, Dunkin' Doughnuts and more! I opted for the Filipino food and ordered the vegetarian special, which consisted of rice with "beef" and pork! This didn't faze me. I was ready for desert. That evening desert was walking around the packed mall and checking out the gorgeous Filipino women.
My luck was about to change for the better. Or so it seemed at the time. Two very hot Filipino women approached me and asked if I would like to join them for coffee. Things were going fine until someone came running toward us, grabbed one of the girl's purses and took off. We chased him and before I knew it literally 10 undercover security guards had caught the culprit. We spent the next hour filling out paper work in the security office. After, the three of us decided that we needed a drink. Normally I don't drink but this night I was fully prepared to make an exception. Off we went.
Four hours later after lots of laughing, dancing and drinking we found ourselves back in my hotel room. I'd noticed there was a lot of touchy feely going on between the two ladies on the dance floor and my excitement about the immediate possibilities was at a peak. I was not disappointed as the ladies began to dirty dance and strip each other. I'm not a big fan of breast implants, but the four breasts standing in front of me were blatantly fake yet perfect! My erection was rock hard and I was ready to join the fun. As I began to caress one's breasts they both removed each other’s pants. To my shock and dismay each of them had an erection as hard as my own! Instantly mine diminished and within five minutes I had the two transvestites out of my room. I must have stayed in the shower for an hour trying to scrub off the filthy feeling that encompassed my entire body. Why must Asian transvestites be so fucking beautiful and ladylike?
All in all it was quite a first night in the Philippines!
Señor is a pants dropper from Samui, Thailand.
October 24, 2002
Busted
A Señor Story © 2002
The signs were clearly there. I just choose to ignore them. For this, I paid dearly. First I learned about the Thai Mafia. An acquaintance told me that if a Farang (that is Thai for any westerner, i.e. ME) attempts to open a business that competes with a 100% Thai owned business then the Mafia will do all it can to put the Farang out of business. If somehow the Farang manages to succeed despite the Mafia, the solution is simple: murder. Yes they kill you! I wish someone told me this before I bought a 25% stake in a restaurant and a 33% stake in a language school! Both of these business compete directly with 100% Thai owned businesses. Since I co-own with Thai people I believed that I was safe. Furthermore, every country has a Mafia and every Mafia has their share of horror story's, such things were of no concern to me.
The following day after learning about the Thai Mafia I found myself at a gas station filling my tank. In the midst of this a strange looking Thai man came running up to me. Apparently he saw my tattoo and was very curious and excited by it. In very broken English he began to ask me all about it. After explaining and thinking he understood nothing he showed me his tattoo. I was shocked to find a swastika tattooed to his wrist. As I am in a foreign country in which I am not thoroughly familiar with all the symbols and customs I asked him what that was. A big smile came across his face and in perfect English he said, "Nazi." He followed this up by giving the Hiel Hitler sign and then broke into a dance while singing, "Kill all the gays. Kill all the Jews. Rid the world of all such scum!" He stopped dancing, winked at me and said, "I am Thai Mafia!" and walked away.
What the fuck was that? Did he know that I am a Jew? Is it a coincidence that one day after learning about the Thai Mafia I randomly encounter one? Was this a subtle message that perhaps I should not own parts of the businesses that I have become involved with? Perhaps the time had come to leave Thailand all together? I did not sleep well that night. My dreams were nightmares and my nightmares were violent. I awoke at 6:00AM. I was ready to pack my things and get the hell out of there. Before packing I began my day like I do all others here. I rolled out of bed and headed straight for the beach. There I practiced Chi Kung while facing the sea and watching the sunrise. After I went for a swim. I was just sitting there in the water taking in all the beauty that surrounded me, regaling in the serenity that always follows my Chi Kung practice and I knew I was not going anywhere! I'm a harmless guy. The Thai Mafia doesn't even know I exist and if they do, the certainly don't give a shit about me! Samui has become my paradise and I ain't leaving.
Like all countries in the world, Thailand has many laws. Some are quite silly and others quite practical. Some are strictly enforced and others, well, not so strictly enforced. One of the more practical laws is one must always wear a helmet while riding a motorbike. Although practical this law is barely enforced. I would estimate that 10% of all Farang and 20% of all Thai's actually were helmets, yet I have never seen anyone pulled over for such an offense, a 200 Baht ($5) fine. Nevertheless for the first two months that I lived here, I followed this rule religiously. If I drove one mile or 100 miles I always wore my helmet. However after two months, I got a little overconfident about my driving and every now and then I simply chose not to wear my helmet. I never had a problem until the day after I met the Mafia man at the gas station.
I was off to Nathon, the commercial center of the island, helmetless. A cop pulled me over. I was taken to the Police station and dropped off in a large room filled with people. One by one each person was called up front where they filled out some paper work, paid their fine and went on their way. Unfortunately for me, the police were in no rush. I sat in that room for over four hours until my name was finally called. As I began to fill in the paper work an uniformed officer came by. He said something in Thai and then told me to follow him. I wasn't too nervous yet, but when I found myself in an interrogation room I nearly shit my pants. I quickly composed myself and thanked the good Lord that I happened to have a lot of money on me. I figured I was looking for more the 200 Baht fine. I broke out 10,000 Baht ($250) and asked him if this would take care of things. Before I knew it I felt the back of his hand smacking my cheek. He slapped me so suddenly and with such force that I fell to the floor. He then started screaming in rage, something about how all Farang think they can break the rules and pay their way out of trouble. As he was yelling he removed his belt from his slacks and began pounding the desk with it. For the first time in my life I was paralyzed with fear. I literally could not move. He planned on making an example out of me to put all Farang in their place, when two men dressed in jackets and ties bolted into the room. There was a lot of yelling in Thai and then one of the gentlemen escorted me out of there. He told me that the officer claims that I tried to hit him and therefore I must spend the night in jail until things got sorted out. He led me down a corridor where there were three holding cells. Two Thai men occupied each of two of the cells, mine thank God was empty. I stood awake, wide eyed all night. Many convicts and cops came and went but lucky for me no cop hassled me and no other convicts were brought into my cell.
The next morning I was brought back to the interrogation room only to find the same deranged officer sitting behind the desk. Much to my shock he apologized for slapping me. He explained that yesterday he found out that his wife was having an affair with a Farang and he took out his aggression on me. He had to tell the other men that I tried to hit him to save face for losing his temper. Now, I was free to go. OH MY GOODNESS! You can be sure I got out of there as fast as possible. Upon reflection I don't believe that the officer's wife really had an affair. Hell for all I know he might not even be married. I believe that Mafia had me pulled over and had the cop scare the shit out of me. Am I just paranoid? I don't know, but I do know two things. I am looking into getting rid of my ownership of my two companies and I will NEVER ride my motorbike without a helmet again. Oh for the good news... I never had to pay the 200 Baht fine!
Señor is from Samui, Thailand.
The signs were clearly there. I just choose to ignore them. For this, I paid dearly. First I learned about the Thai Mafia. An acquaintance told me that if a Farang (that is Thai for any westerner, i.e. ME) attempts to open a business that competes with a 100% Thai owned business then the Mafia will do all it can to put the Farang out of business. If somehow the Farang manages to succeed despite the Mafia, the solution is simple: murder. Yes they kill you! I wish someone told me this before I bought a 25% stake in a restaurant and a 33% stake in a language school! Both of these business compete directly with 100% Thai owned businesses. Since I co-own with Thai people I believed that I was safe. Furthermore, every country has a Mafia and every Mafia has their share of horror story's, such things were of no concern to me.
The following day after learning about the Thai Mafia I found myself at a gas station filling my tank. In the midst of this a strange looking Thai man came running up to me. Apparently he saw my tattoo and was very curious and excited by it. In very broken English he began to ask me all about it. After explaining and thinking he understood nothing he showed me his tattoo. I was shocked to find a swastika tattooed to his wrist. As I am in a foreign country in which I am not thoroughly familiar with all the symbols and customs I asked him what that was. A big smile came across his face and in perfect English he said, "Nazi." He followed this up by giving the Hiel Hitler sign and then broke into a dance while singing, "Kill all the gays. Kill all the Jews. Rid the world of all such scum!" He stopped dancing, winked at me and said, "I am Thai Mafia!" and walked away.
What the fuck was that? Did he know that I am a Jew? Is it a coincidence that one day after learning about the Thai Mafia I randomly encounter one? Was this a subtle message that perhaps I should not own parts of the businesses that I have become involved with? Perhaps the time had come to leave Thailand all together? I did not sleep well that night. My dreams were nightmares and my nightmares were violent. I awoke at 6:00AM. I was ready to pack my things and get the hell out of there. Before packing I began my day like I do all others here. I rolled out of bed and headed straight for the beach. There I practiced Chi Kung while facing the sea and watching the sunrise. After I went for a swim. I was just sitting there in the water taking in all the beauty that surrounded me, regaling in the serenity that always follows my Chi Kung practice and I knew I was not going anywhere! I'm a harmless guy. The Thai Mafia doesn't even know I exist and if they do, the certainly don't give a shit about me! Samui has become my paradise and I ain't leaving.
Like all countries in the world, Thailand has many laws. Some are quite silly and others quite practical. Some are strictly enforced and others, well, not so strictly enforced. One of the more practical laws is one must always wear a helmet while riding a motorbike. Although practical this law is barely enforced. I would estimate that 10% of all Farang and 20% of all Thai's actually were helmets, yet I have never seen anyone pulled over for such an offense, a 200 Baht ($5) fine. Nevertheless for the first two months that I lived here, I followed this rule religiously. If I drove one mile or 100 miles I always wore my helmet. However after two months, I got a little overconfident about my driving and every now and then I simply chose not to wear my helmet. I never had a problem until the day after I met the Mafia man at the gas station.
I was off to Nathon, the commercial center of the island, helmetless. A cop pulled me over. I was taken to the Police station and dropped off in a large room filled with people. One by one each person was called up front where they filled out some paper work, paid their fine and went on their way. Unfortunately for me, the police were in no rush. I sat in that room for over four hours until my name was finally called. As I began to fill in the paper work an uniformed officer came by. He said something in Thai and then told me to follow him. I wasn't too nervous yet, but when I found myself in an interrogation room I nearly shit my pants. I quickly composed myself and thanked the good Lord that I happened to have a lot of money on me. I figured I was looking for more the 200 Baht fine. I broke out 10,000 Baht ($250) and asked him if this would take care of things. Before I knew it I felt the back of his hand smacking my cheek. He slapped me so suddenly and with such force that I fell to the floor. He then started screaming in rage, something about how all Farang think they can break the rules and pay their way out of trouble. As he was yelling he removed his belt from his slacks and began pounding the desk with it. For the first time in my life I was paralyzed with fear. I literally could not move. He planned on making an example out of me to put all Farang in their place, when two men dressed in jackets and ties bolted into the room. There was a lot of yelling in Thai and then one of the gentlemen escorted me out of there. He told me that the officer claims that I tried to hit him and therefore I must spend the night in jail until things got sorted out. He led me down a corridor where there were three holding cells. Two Thai men occupied each of two of the cells, mine thank God was empty. I stood awake, wide eyed all night. Many convicts and cops came and went but lucky for me no cop hassled me and no other convicts were brought into my cell.
The next morning I was brought back to the interrogation room only to find the same deranged officer sitting behind the desk. Much to my shock he apologized for slapping me. He explained that yesterday he found out that his wife was having an affair with a Farang and he took out his aggression on me. He had to tell the other men that I tried to hit him to save face for losing his temper. Now, I was free to go. OH MY GOODNESS! You can be sure I got out of there as fast as possible. Upon reflection I don't believe that the officer's wife really had an affair. Hell for all I know he might not even be married. I believe that Mafia had me pulled over and had the cop scare the shit out of me. Am I just paranoid? I don't know, but I do know two things. I am looking into getting rid of my ownership of my two companies and I will NEVER ride my motorbike without a helmet again. Oh for the good news... I never had to pay the 200 Baht fine!
Señor is from Samui, Thailand.
Loveless Sex AND Sexless Love
A Señor Story © 2002
Back in July I didn't know why I was going to Samui and I didn't know how long I would stay here. All I knew was that Samui was calling my name and so I listened. Now it is October and I have a pretty good idea why I needed to come here, but I still have no clue as to how long I'll be staying. Some days I wake up thinking the time has come to move on. Other days I am ready to buy a house and make Samui my full time home. Regardless, I came here with an open mind and very few goals. I really just wanted to live each moment and enjoy.
I did however, have a couple of thoughts. Most importantly I did not want to find love on Samui. I am not here for that! The last thing I need is to fall in love than leave the country and break two hearts simultaneously. Been there, done that! Almost as importantly I wanted to enjoy lots of sex! Now in most countries loveless sex is pretty common, but Thailand is not most countries. In July I firmly believed that all Thai women were either married, virgins, or prostitutes. The married ones are untouchable. The virgins won't have sex before marriage. The prostitutes are women that have had sex with hundreds of men in a country where AIDS is running rampant. Not exactly an appealing situation. Combine these factors with the fact that on my so called spiritual quest I have given up masturbation and what does a guy have to do to "get off" safely. This my friends is my quandary!!
The longer I stay here the more I learn about Thai society and culture. I have come to realize that life concerning Thai women is not as black and white as I initially believed. Oh yes, there is a grey area! This grey area consists of two categories. The first category consists of virgins around the age of 30. These women have given up waiting for "Mr. Right." Now more than anything else they just want to experience sex. Give them a man who they are somewhat attracted to and who treats them somewhat decently and they are ready to have sex, without love or a relationship. The second category of women consists of women who once, long ago were deeply in love. These women had sex with the men that they believed they would marry. These women had their hearts broken. Never mind that, they experienced the joys of sex and no longer believe in the same taboos against sex that the rest of Thai society shares. If horny, these women will not only have, but seek out sex. Keep in mind for both these types of women sex involved with love and a relationship is preferable, however they accept the fact that reality isn't always like a fairy tale. I have been fortunate enough to meet one women from each of these categories.
This is the story of Noi and Angkana.
Noi is a 28 year old virgin. She is without a doubt the most giving selfless person I have ever met. She is there for anyone and everyone no matter what the need. A couple of months ago Noi offered to cook diner for me. Little did I know this meant that she would be cooking all my meals for the next two months! I never asked her to do this, but given the fact that I am a bachelor that cannot cook, living alone, I was pretty happy about this. Next thing I know Noi began cleaning my house and doing my laundry. One night she fell asleep in my bed while watching a movie and she hasn't left since. When I came home the next day, not only did I find all her clothes in my closet, but also, I kid you not, she had hung a poster size picture of herself in my living room! Too funny! So I never asked her to live with me, but she moved in and I didn't mind. At the risk of sounding arrogant I believe Noi fell deeply in love with me. All this time I never touched Noi in bed. I even went so far as to flat out tell her that she is only my friend and I am actively looking elsewhere for casual sex. The next night Noi woke me up at 2:00AM and said, " Will you please have sex with me?" I never thought that I would say no to this question, but I did. She tried to convince me that it wouldn't mean anything, but I knew it would and did not want to go there. Noi still cooks for me, cleans for me, does my laundry, sleeps in my bed and I still have not touched her.
Angkana is a 30 year old Thai women. She is beautiful, fun, energetic, sexy and not a virgin. When I first met Angkana I told her that I was looking for casual sex and she reponded, "Great, I love sex!" Well I knew this was the girl for me. For the past two months I have been living with Noi and having sex with Angkana. I have been very honest with both ladies and they both know about each other. When I told Noi about Angkana she was physically shaken, but she composed herself and actually asked me if she could still cook and clean for me! When I told Angkan about Noi she was pissed! She said no more sex until I kick Noi out of my house. Twenty minutes later Angkana jumped on top of me and began kissing me. She told me to forget about what she said earlier, the sex is too good! So life in Thailand is good!
How good you wonder? Last week I took a road trip to Bangkok with Angkana. Noi was not happy about this, but accepted it. Angkana works for a five star hotel on Samui. Through her connections we were able to stay in one of the nicest hotels in all of Thailand for free! There I was living in the lap of luxury having unbelievable sex with a sexy woman. Upon arriving home back in Samui Noi had just finished ironing my t-shirts! She had cleaned my house so it was spotless and as soon as I walked in she began cutting fresh fruit for me that she had just picked up from the fruit market. Sometimes I think I am dreaming!
I've managed to avoid love and find sex. I don't know how long it will last, but in the meantime every moment is special and I am enjoying life to the fullest!
Señor is a pants dropper from from Samui, Thailand.
Back in July I didn't know why I was going to Samui and I didn't know how long I would stay here. All I knew was that Samui was calling my name and so I listened. Now it is October and I have a pretty good idea why I needed to come here, but I still have no clue as to how long I'll be staying. Some days I wake up thinking the time has come to move on. Other days I am ready to buy a house and make Samui my full time home. Regardless, I came here with an open mind and very few goals. I really just wanted to live each moment and enjoy.
I did however, have a couple of thoughts. Most importantly I did not want to find love on Samui. I am not here for that! The last thing I need is to fall in love than leave the country and break two hearts simultaneously. Been there, done that! Almost as importantly I wanted to enjoy lots of sex! Now in most countries loveless sex is pretty common, but Thailand is not most countries. In July I firmly believed that all Thai women were either married, virgins, or prostitutes. The married ones are untouchable. The virgins won't have sex before marriage. The prostitutes are women that have had sex with hundreds of men in a country where AIDS is running rampant. Not exactly an appealing situation. Combine these factors with the fact that on my so called spiritual quest I have given up masturbation and what does a guy have to do to "get off" safely. This my friends is my quandary!!
The longer I stay here the more I learn about Thai society and culture. I have come to realize that life concerning Thai women is not as black and white as I initially believed. Oh yes, there is a grey area! This grey area consists of two categories. The first category consists of virgins around the age of 30. These women have given up waiting for "Mr. Right." Now more than anything else they just want to experience sex. Give them a man who they are somewhat attracted to and who treats them somewhat decently and they are ready to have sex, without love or a relationship. The second category of women consists of women who once, long ago were deeply in love. These women had sex with the men that they believed they would marry. These women had their hearts broken. Never mind that, they experienced the joys of sex and no longer believe in the same taboos against sex that the rest of Thai society shares. If horny, these women will not only have, but seek out sex. Keep in mind for both these types of women sex involved with love and a relationship is preferable, however they accept the fact that reality isn't always like a fairy tale. I have been fortunate enough to meet one women from each of these categories.
This is the story of Noi and Angkana.
Noi is a 28 year old virgin. She is without a doubt the most giving selfless person I have ever met. She is there for anyone and everyone no matter what the need. A couple of months ago Noi offered to cook diner for me. Little did I know this meant that she would be cooking all my meals for the next two months! I never asked her to do this, but given the fact that I am a bachelor that cannot cook, living alone, I was pretty happy about this. Next thing I know Noi began cleaning my house and doing my laundry. One night she fell asleep in my bed while watching a movie and she hasn't left since. When I came home the next day, not only did I find all her clothes in my closet, but also, I kid you not, she had hung a poster size picture of herself in my living room! Too funny! So I never asked her to live with me, but she moved in and I didn't mind. At the risk of sounding arrogant I believe Noi fell deeply in love with me. All this time I never touched Noi in bed. I even went so far as to flat out tell her that she is only my friend and I am actively looking elsewhere for casual sex. The next night Noi woke me up at 2:00AM and said, " Will you please have sex with me?" I never thought that I would say no to this question, but I did. She tried to convince me that it wouldn't mean anything, but I knew it would and did not want to go there. Noi still cooks for me, cleans for me, does my laundry, sleeps in my bed and I still have not touched her.
Angkana is a 30 year old Thai women. She is beautiful, fun, energetic, sexy and not a virgin. When I first met Angkana I told her that I was looking for casual sex and she reponded, "Great, I love sex!" Well I knew this was the girl for me. For the past two months I have been living with Noi and having sex with Angkana. I have been very honest with both ladies and they both know about each other. When I told Noi about Angkana she was physically shaken, but she composed herself and actually asked me if she could still cook and clean for me! When I told Angkan about Noi she was pissed! She said no more sex until I kick Noi out of my house. Twenty minutes later Angkana jumped on top of me and began kissing me. She told me to forget about what she said earlier, the sex is too good! So life in Thailand is good!
How good you wonder? Last week I took a road trip to Bangkok with Angkana. Noi was not happy about this, but accepted it. Angkana works for a five star hotel on Samui. Through her connections we were able to stay in one of the nicest hotels in all of Thailand for free! There I was living in the lap of luxury having unbelievable sex with a sexy woman. Upon arriving home back in Samui Noi had just finished ironing my t-shirts! She had cleaned my house so it was spotless and as soon as I walked in she began cutting fresh fruit for me that she had just picked up from the fruit market. Sometimes I think I am dreaming!
I've managed to avoid love and find sex. I don't know how long it will last, but in the meantime every moment is special and I am enjoying life to the fullest!
Señor is a pants dropper from from Samui, Thailand.
September 18, 2002
Angel of Death
By Señor ©2002
Death was lurking last night. No bullshit. For the first time in my life I truly felt that I was going to die. I believed that I would go to sleep and never wake up. I've recently been studying the ancient Tibetan healing art, known today as Reiki. As part of my study's I have received many "attunements." Amongst other things these attunements are supposed to open and expand intuition and psychic abilities. Last night had the distance smell of death. However, I did not need any psychic ability to get this premonition. I had an awful pain in my throat. Not a sore throat, mind you, I pain I had never experienced before. Every time I took a breath I felt as though I was being strangled.
It all started Friday morning as a slight pain and minor annoyance. By last night the pain was excruciating and other side effects has materialized. A vicious headache and constant numbness in my hands and feet now burdened me as well. I've never had such symptoms. I vowed to check myself into the hospital the next morning...if I made it through the night. What does one do when expecting to death to be a mere few hours away? My friend Noi came over for a Reiki healing session. As she had given me a free Thai massage every night that week I was not about to disappoint her, death or no death! After an hour session I had time for reflection. I am a true believer in fate. As such I did not fear death's eminence. If it were meant to be it would be. I've had a basically happy life. I've experienced many things and have been blessed with lots of love. If death was waiting for me, I was ready to go. I thought about calling my loved ones, but that would just cause worry. I resided to write one last journal entry. My message to the world if you will, before crossing over to the other side! I discovered that I did not have many pearls of wisdom to share. I wished for love, health and happiness for my loved ones. Not much else came to me and I choose not to force anything.
Guess what? I awoke! 6:30AM in the morning I was up. Death had not come. However, I felt no jubilation as a matter of fact I was in even worse pain than the night before. Straight to the hospital I went. On the drive over my biggest fear was that they were not gonna understand me and prescribe antibiotics for step throat. I underestimated our fine Thai physician, he knew exactly what the problem was.
"Mr. Señor, not a thing is wrong with you." He let me know. Of course! I should have known! I began to get a little angry and a little depressed, but then things got interesting. The Doctor then correctly told me that I must be taking Larium, an anti malaria drug. Larium has hallucinogenic side effects. Basically my body is having a hallucination that I am having trouble breathing and that my limbs keep going numb. In actuality none of this is happening! He told me to immediately stop taking Larium. Within two weeks it will be totally out of my system and I will feel normal again.
What a wild concept! A body hallucination. Why not? I've had audio hallucinations in the past and I've certainly had some wild visual hallucinations so now it is time for my body to trip. Imagine the possibilities if I could control the hallucination, bottle it and market it! Picture this; you are in the midst of the biggest business meeting of your life with your boss and the board of directors. It is your turn to make a presentation but you are way to stressed to speak, much less in an effective manner. No worries mate! Take my pill and your body will hallucinate that you just had a mind blowing orgasm. Your stress has been released, you've calmed down considerably and now you are ready to blow them away!
Perhaps I'm getting a little carried away here, but keep in mind I am a man living on borrowed time! Not only didn't I die, I've become all the wiser for it! If just goes to show you that we live in one funky world. Next time you feel a pain in your throat or a migraine headache, think for a moment. Is it really happening or is your body just hallucinating?
Deep thoughts from Señor!
Señor is Reiki Master from Samui, Thailand.
Death was lurking last night. No bullshit. For the first time in my life I truly felt that I was going to die. I believed that I would go to sleep and never wake up. I've recently been studying the ancient Tibetan healing art, known today as Reiki. As part of my study's I have received many "attunements." Amongst other things these attunements are supposed to open and expand intuition and psychic abilities. Last night had the distance smell of death. However, I did not need any psychic ability to get this premonition. I had an awful pain in my throat. Not a sore throat, mind you, I pain I had never experienced before. Every time I took a breath I felt as though I was being strangled.
It all started Friday morning as a slight pain and minor annoyance. By last night the pain was excruciating and other side effects has materialized. A vicious headache and constant numbness in my hands and feet now burdened me as well. I've never had such symptoms. I vowed to check myself into the hospital the next morning...if I made it through the night. What does one do when expecting to death to be a mere few hours away? My friend Noi came over for a Reiki healing session. As she had given me a free Thai massage every night that week I was not about to disappoint her, death or no death! After an hour session I had time for reflection. I am a true believer in fate. As such I did not fear death's eminence. If it were meant to be it would be. I've had a basically happy life. I've experienced many things and have been blessed with lots of love. If death was waiting for me, I was ready to go. I thought about calling my loved ones, but that would just cause worry. I resided to write one last journal entry. My message to the world if you will, before crossing over to the other side! I discovered that I did not have many pearls of wisdom to share. I wished for love, health and happiness for my loved ones. Not much else came to me and I choose not to force anything.
Guess what? I awoke! 6:30AM in the morning I was up. Death had not come. However, I felt no jubilation as a matter of fact I was in even worse pain than the night before. Straight to the hospital I went. On the drive over my biggest fear was that they were not gonna understand me and prescribe antibiotics for step throat. I underestimated our fine Thai physician, he knew exactly what the problem was.
"Mr. Señor, not a thing is wrong with you." He let me know. Of course! I should have known! I began to get a little angry and a little depressed, but then things got interesting. The Doctor then correctly told me that I must be taking Larium, an anti malaria drug. Larium has hallucinogenic side effects. Basically my body is having a hallucination that I am having trouble breathing and that my limbs keep going numb. In actuality none of this is happening! He told me to immediately stop taking Larium. Within two weeks it will be totally out of my system and I will feel normal again.
What a wild concept! A body hallucination. Why not? I've had audio hallucinations in the past and I've certainly had some wild visual hallucinations so now it is time for my body to trip. Imagine the possibilities if I could control the hallucination, bottle it and market it! Picture this; you are in the midst of the biggest business meeting of your life with your boss and the board of directors. It is your turn to make a presentation but you are way to stressed to speak, much less in an effective manner. No worries mate! Take my pill and your body will hallucinate that you just had a mind blowing orgasm. Your stress has been released, you've calmed down considerably and now you are ready to blow them away!
Perhaps I'm getting a little carried away here, but keep in mind I am a man living on borrowed time! Not only didn't I die, I've become all the wiser for it! If just goes to show you that we live in one funky world. Next time you feel a pain in your throat or a migraine headache, think for a moment. Is it really happening or is your body just hallucinating?
Deep thoughts from Señor!
Señor is Reiki Master from Samui, Thailand.
Mysticism
By Señor © 2002
Saturday night, midnight. I was tired. As I walked to my bungalow I was awed and energized by the beauty of the full moon. I decided to take a walk along the beach. At this hour on this particular beach I had the place to myself. I walked along, accompanied only by the sounds of the waves crashing ashore and guided by the moon and stars. I walked on and on. Before I knew if I had put five miles between where I was and my bungalow. I was now entering Chaweng Beach. I came upon the area where all the beach souvenir shops are. You know the kind where you can buy t-shirts, cheap art work, jewelry, fake tattoos, little Buddha statues and so on. In the distance I could make out one light shining. But all the shops had closed hours ago. What was the deal with the light? I walked on. As I approached the shop where the light was coming from a little old Thai women invited me in to have a look around her shop. I had no intention of buying anything, but then again I certainly was in no rush. A beautiful bracelet caught my eye and I immediately thought of Kanjini, a particularly beautiful Malaysian women now living here on Samui. It was perfect for her! Before I could say anything the old women picked up the bracelet and gave it to me. I asked how much. She told me by the look on my face she knew that this bracelet was the perfect gift for someone very special to me. The only payment she would accept was to share in my joy of giving such a perfect gift. I was overwhelmed by her love and I gave her a hug. As I hugged her I noticed incredible warmth radiating from her body. Strange as it was a particular chilly evening. After the hug she took my hand and brought me into a back room to join her for some tea.
She poured my tea and began speaking. What came out of her mouth still boggles my mind to this day and probably will for years to come. She told me that she had been waiting for me for a long time. My stumbling onto her shop was no accident. She then addressed me by my Hebrew name, Aryeh Dovid Ben Aharon Hirsh. This name had not been uttered since I was last called to the Torah at my little brothers Bar Mitzvah back in August 1990! I was shocked and she began to tell me vague clues about my future life. I could barely focus on what she was saying. Something about being on the right path and living in India for several years. Just as I began to regain my composure she hit me with another bombshell. She called out my grandfather’s name, Phillip Goltz, she was feeling his presence. My grandfather, one of my ultimate heroes in life, has been dead for 10 years! She alerted me that he is looking out for me. Checking in from time to time to give me little pushes when need be. Who is this woman? I had so many questions to ask her. All she would tell me was that I had guided her in past lives and now was her turn to help me.
What was happening here? Was I drugged? I'm a realist from New York City. This kinda shit doesn't happen in real life! Well, believe me, it was happening and it was very real! I tried to find out more about her, but she was tired and she escorted me out. I went on my way filled with disbelief and in an utter state of shock! I didn't sleep at all that night. I needed a rationalization to explain what I had experienced, but could think of none. By noon the next day I couldn't take it anymore. I hopped onto my motorbike and drove to Chewang beach. Of course my little old lady was not in her shop. And of course, I was told that no little old lady works there at all.
Ever since I arrived in Thailand I have been living a surreal life. The factors that brought me here are inexplicable to me and the events that continue simply continue to mystify me. I don't know which pill that I took many years ago that has come back to haunt me. Or perhaps I pissed off the wrong person? Or just maybe I had been sleeping through the first 30 years old my life. I am now, finally in the real world, having real world experiences. Believe what you will. I lived it and have no choice but to accept reality. Guidance and love can be found everywhere. Going forward my eyes, ears and heart will be open and ready to receive. Who knows what’s coming next!
Señor is a pants dropper from Samui, Thailand.
Saturday night, midnight. I was tired. As I walked to my bungalow I was awed and energized by the beauty of the full moon. I decided to take a walk along the beach. At this hour on this particular beach I had the place to myself. I walked along, accompanied only by the sounds of the waves crashing ashore and guided by the moon and stars. I walked on and on. Before I knew if I had put five miles between where I was and my bungalow. I was now entering Chaweng Beach. I came upon the area where all the beach souvenir shops are. You know the kind where you can buy t-shirts, cheap art work, jewelry, fake tattoos, little Buddha statues and so on. In the distance I could make out one light shining. But all the shops had closed hours ago. What was the deal with the light? I walked on. As I approached the shop where the light was coming from a little old Thai women invited me in to have a look around her shop. I had no intention of buying anything, but then again I certainly was in no rush. A beautiful bracelet caught my eye and I immediately thought of Kanjini, a particularly beautiful Malaysian women now living here on Samui. It was perfect for her! Before I could say anything the old women picked up the bracelet and gave it to me. I asked how much. She told me by the look on my face she knew that this bracelet was the perfect gift for someone very special to me. The only payment she would accept was to share in my joy of giving such a perfect gift. I was overwhelmed by her love and I gave her a hug. As I hugged her I noticed incredible warmth radiating from her body. Strange as it was a particular chilly evening. After the hug she took my hand and brought me into a back room to join her for some tea.
She poured my tea and began speaking. What came out of her mouth still boggles my mind to this day and probably will for years to come. She told me that she had been waiting for me for a long time. My stumbling onto her shop was no accident. She then addressed me by my Hebrew name, Aryeh Dovid Ben Aharon Hirsh. This name had not been uttered since I was last called to the Torah at my little brothers Bar Mitzvah back in August 1990! I was shocked and she began to tell me vague clues about my future life. I could barely focus on what she was saying. Something about being on the right path and living in India for several years. Just as I began to regain my composure she hit me with another bombshell. She called out my grandfather’s name, Phillip Goltz, she was feeling his presence. My grandfather, one of my ultimate heroes in life, has been dead for 10 years! She alerted me that he is looking out for me. Checking in from time to time to give me little pushes when need be. Who is this woman? I had so many questions to ask her. All she would tell me was that I had guided her in past lives and now was her turn to help me.
What was happening here? Was I drugged? I'm a realist from New York City. This kinda shit doesn't happen in real life! Well, believe me, it was happening and it was very real! I tried to find out more about her, but she was tired and she escorted me out. I went on my way filled with disbelief and in an utter state of shock! I didn't sleep at all that night. I needed a rationalization to explain what I had experienced, but could think of none. By noon the next day I couldn't take it anymore. I hopped onto my motorbike and drove to Chewang beach. Of course my little old lady was not in her shop. And of course, I was told that no little old lady works there at all.
Ever since I arrived in Thailand I have been living a surreal life. The factors that brought me here are inexplicable to me and the events that continue simply continue to mystify me. I don't know which pill that I took many years ago that has come back to haunt me. Or perhaps I pissed off the wrong person? Or just maybe I had been sleeping through the first 30 years old my life. I am now, finally in the real world, having real world experiences. Believe what you will. I lived it and have no choice but to accept reality. Guidance and love can be found everywhere. Going forward my eyes, ears and heart will be open and ready to receive. Who knows what’s coming next!
Señor is a pants dropper from Samui, Thailand.
August 23, 2002
Furthur
By Señor © 2002
Further. One simple word yet a complete ideology of life. Further. Made famous by Ken Kesey and his Merry Pranksters. As they hopped onto their day-glow bus one day long ago, they had only one destination: to go further. I was formally introduced to this concept back in the early's 90's through Thomas Wolfe's The Electric Cool Aid Acid Test. But even before then I had wanted to go further. Go beyond the norm. I needed to find out what else was out there. What was I missing and more importantly how did I get there?
Back then the answer appeared to be easy. I began to broaden my horizons and expand the limits of my mind through drug use. Marijuana became mushrooms, mushrooms became LSD and before long, peyote, mescaline, ecstasy and many others came across my path to enlightenment. Some people would call me a druggie. Others would say I was a lost soul, and still others would just blow me off as looking for a good time. Maybe it was a little of all the above, but of course there was more. You see, I was a sociologist and I was my own guinea pig. I'd read about feeling at one with the earth, nature and mankind. I'd heard about hallucinations but I needed to experience that for myself. The majority of my drug experiences were positive, and LSD was my drug of choice, hands down. LSD, more than any other drug, took me further. On acid I understood the world. I knew why I was put here and what I was meant to do. Unfortunately when the drug faded so did my visions of grandeur. I realized I didn't know shit!
I've read about people "getting it." I've met people incredibly in touch with themselves, people well grounded and always happy. People at peace with mother earth and one in the same with the universe. How did they get there? They went further. Further than one can go who does not seek and further than one can go to through drugs. Even my beloved LSD had a limit and still I needed to go further.
I honestly didn't think I'd ever get further. When I left my job, my friends and my entire life behind in March I wasn't quite sure what I was doing. I was off to South East Asia. That’s all I knew. Like many of life’s adventures, my journey took on a life of its own. Yes, this adventure took me further.
After ten weeks of travel through the exotic lands of Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam, Myanmar and Singapore, I arrived in Thailand. A place I had been before and fondly remembered as one of the greatest in the world in which to party hard. What I once would have called a "series of coincidences" brought me to a little commune on the Island of Samui, Thailand. I now realized, just as the Rabbis taught me many years ago, that there is no such thing as a coincidence. The events that brought me to this commune were certainly extraordinary, but not coincidental. I was here for a reason!
During this time I went through a week-long fast. I discovered yoga and for the first time in my life I made my health a top priority. All this was nice but I didn't get further until I met Annie. Annie is the last in a line of Hawaiian Shamans. Annie brought to me the magic of the ancient Hawaiian Shaman massage. This three hour massage took me further than I had ever gone before. Yes, I saw the metaphorical light and I have not looked back. I am still me at the core, but my life’s path has been changed forever and for the better. I am healthier, I am happier, I am full of love, I know why I am here and what I must do. Unlike when I had these same delusions while on LSD, the effects of a sober man do not wear off!
Here I am three months later back on Koh Samui, Thailand. I am home. I am happy. I still have that same destination that the Merry Pranksters had, but in the last few months I have gone so much further than I ever dreamed possible. God bless the pioneers like Ken Kesey and Jerry Garcia! We have often heard the immortal words of New York Yankees great Lou Gehrig, "Today I feel like the luckiest man on the face of this earth…"
I am sorry Mr. Gehrig, you never met Annie and you never stepped foot on Koh Samui. My friends, I am a very lucky man!
Señor is a pants dropper from Samui, Thailand.
Further. One simple word yet a complete ideology of life. Further. Made famous by Ken Kesey and his Merry Pranksters. As they hopped onto their day-glow bus one day long ago, they had only one destination: to go further. I was formally introduced to this concept back in the early's 90's through Thomas Wolfe's The Electric Cool Aid Acid Test. But even before then I had wanted to go further. Go beyond the norm. I needed to find out what else was out there. What was I missing and more importantly how did I get there?
Back then the answer appeared to be easy. I began to broaden my horizons and expand the limits of my mind through drug use. Marijuana became mushrooms, mushrooms became LSD and before long, peyote, mescaline, ecstasy and many others came across my path to enlightenment. Some people would call me a druggie. Others would say I was a lost soul, and still others would just blow me off as looking for a good time. Maybe it was a little of all the above, but of course there was more. You see, I was a sociologist and I was my own guinea pig. I'd read about feeling at one with the earth, nature and mankind. I'd heard about hallucinations but I needed to experience that for myself. The majority of my drug experiences were positive, and LSD was my drug of choice, hands down. LSD, more than any other drug, took me further. On acid I understood the world. I knew why I was put here and what I was meant to do. Unfortunately when the drug faded so did my visions of grandeur. I realized I didn't know shit!
I've read about people "getting it." I've met people incredibly in touch with themselves, people well grounded and always happy. People at peace with mother earth and one in the same with the universe. How did they get there? They went further. Further than one can go who does not seek and further than one can go to through drugs. Even my beloved LSD had a limit and still I needed to go further.
I honestly didn't think I'd ever get further. When I left my job, my friends and my entire life behind in March I wasn't quite sure what I was doing. I was off to South East Asia. That’s all I knew. Like many of life’s adventures, my journey took on a life of its own. Yes, this adventure took me further.
After ten weeks of travel through the exotic lands of Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam, Myanmar and Singapore, I arrived in Thailand. A place I had been before and fondly remembered as one of the greatest in the world in which to party hard. What I once would have called a "series of coincidences" brought me to a little commune on the Island of Samui, Thailand. I now realized, just as the Rabbis taught me many years ago, that there is no such thing as a coincidence. The events that brought me to this commune were certainly extraordinary, but not coincidental. I was here for a reason!
During this time I went through a week-long fast. I discovered yoga and for the first time in my life I made my health a top priority. All this was nice but I didn't get further until I met Annie. Annie is the last in a line of Hawaiian Shamans. Annie brought to me the magic of the ancient Hawaiian Shaman massage. This three hour massage took me further than I had ever gone before. Yes, I saw the metaphorical light and I have not looked back. I am still me at the core, but my life’s path has been changed forever and for the better. I am healthier, I am happier, I am full of love, I know why I am here and what I must do. Unlike when I had these same delusions while on LSD, the effects of a sober man do not wear off!
Here I am three months later back on Koh Samui, Thailand. I am home. I am happy. I still have that same destination that the Merry Pranksters had, but in the last few months I have gone so much further than I ever dreamed possible. God bless the pioneers like Ken Kesey and Jerry Garcia! We have often heard the immortal words of New York Yankees great Lou Gehrig, "Today I feel like the luckiest man on the face of this earth…"
I am sorry Mr. Gehrig, you never met Annie and you never stepped foot on Koh Samui. My friends, I am a very lucky man!
Señor is a pants dropper from Samui, Thailand.
A Cambodian Love Story
By Señor © 2002
Let’s call a spade a spade: Asia is a male pornographic fantasy world. The women are not only absolutely beautiful, but they are also raised to serve and please their men. Whether he be a husband, father, son or nephew, as long as he is male, women are trained to serve. Because prostitution is completely accepted, basically any man can have any woman he chooses and be treated like royalty!
I consider myself to be a pretty liberal guy. I believe that women are equal and even superior to men in many ways. But I am a man and more often, a very horny man. Over the last three months I have given up drugs, alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and basically all delicious foods I once loved. But I have not given up sex!
I am not embarrassed to say that a dozen times everyday I find myself gawking at a beautiful Asian woman and crudely thinking, "God I'd love to fuck her!" That’s what made meeting Chetra so special. When I first met Chetra in Phnom Penh, Cambodia last April, I immediately thought to myself, "Holy shit I want to marry this woman!" Chetra is beyond beautiful. Sweet as can be, flowing with good energy, always smiling, she makes the world a better place just by being! Was it love at first sight? It just might have been.
I traveled with Chetra for a short while. Eventually, when the time came for me to leave Cambodia and Chetra behind, we had an emotionally charged, teary-eyed goodbye. I promised to her that I would return!
Within the month I returned. I waited for hours outside of Chetra's apartment, desperately hoping that she was in town and would be home shortly. Finally, she arrived and love was in the air. Once again our time was filled was passion and romance and once again our time came to an end. The States were calling me back and I went home. I vowed to both Chetra and myself that I would be back.
I am a man of my word and one again I touched down upon the friendly confines of Phnom Penh, Cambodia’s capital city. I immediately called Chetra on her father's cell phone (the only way to reach her) only to find the number had been disconnected! I would not be deterred. I hopped on the next "moto taxi" and headed straight to her apartment. Again I waited for hours, but this time Chetra never came. As the sun was going down a tall black man from Africa approached me. In perfect English he told me that "Chetra does not live here anymore." Who he was and how did he know I was waiting for Chetra is beyond me. He had no more information to offer. I thanked him and went on my way... straight to the bar.
Yes, the bar. I had not had a drink in three months, but I was depressed and couldn’t think of anything I needed more. My plan was to drink and drown my sorrows. I ordered my first beer and sat in a daze just staring at it. Just as I brought that beer to my lips, in walked Chetra! To fully appreciate the bizarreness of this situation, you have to realize a couple of things. First of all, Chetra had no idea that I was in Cambodia at the time. And as bizarre is the fact that Chetra does not drink and she has been to a bar no more than three or four times in her entire life. In my absence Chetra had taken on a job as a waitress. Coincidentally that fateful night was the birthday of Chetra's boss and out of all the bars in Phnom Penh he picked to celebrate, he had chosen the very same bar into which I had I had walked to drown my sorrows! A look of shock came to our faces. Our smiles erupted and we collapsed into each other’s embrace. Fate surely intervened that magical night.
Well, I'm not much of a romantic and I'm not a sucker for happy endings. So it’s with only mild regret that I must tell you the magic was gone. The day had arrived to say goodbye for good. Like any stand up guy would do, I lied to Chetra. I told her that Uncle Sam was shipping me off to Iraq for a tour of duty and my return to civilization was doubtful. Chetra’s sobs were the last I'd ever hear from her.
Now, here I sit in Koh Samui, Thailand, in a bungalow on the beach, where the weather is perfect, and the scenery gorgeous and dozens of times everyday I see a beautiful woman and think to myself, "God I'd love to fuck her!"
Señor is a pants dropper from Samui, Thailand.
Let’s call a spade a spade: Asia is a male pornographic fantasy world. The women are not only absolutely beautiful, but they are also raised to serve and please their men. Whether he be a husband, father, son or nephew, as long as he is male, women are trained to serve. Because prostitution is completely accepted, basically any man can have any woman he chooses and be treated like royalty!
I consider myself to be a pretty liberal guy. I believe that women are equal and even superior to men in many ways. But I am a man and more often, a very horny man. Over the last three months I have given up drugs, alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and basically all delicious foods I once loved. But I have not given up sex!
I am not embarrassed to say that a dozen times everyday I find myself gawking at a beautiful Asian woman and crudely thinking, "God I'd love to fuck her!" That’s what made meeting Chetra so special. When I first met Chetra in Phnom Penh, Cambodia last April, I immediately thought to myself, "Holy shit I want to marry this woman!" Chetra is beyond beautiful. Sweet as can be, flowing with good energy, always smiling, she makes the world a better place just by being! Was it love at first sight? It just might have been.
I traveled with Chetra for a short while. Eventually, when the time came for me to leave Cambodia and Chetra behind, we had an emotionally charged, teary-eyed goodbye. I promised to her that I would return!
Within the month I returned. I waited for hours outside of Chetra's apartment, desperately hoping that she was in town and would be home shortly. Finally, she arrived and love was in the air. Once again our time was filled was passion and romance and once again our time came to an end. The States were calling me back and I went home. I vowed to both Chetra and myself that I would be back.
I am a man of my word and one again I touched down upon the friendly confines of Phnom Penh, Cambodia’s capital city. I immediately called Chetra on her father's cell phone (the only way to reach her) only to find the number had been disconnected! I would not be deterred. I hopped on the next "moto taxi" and headed straight to her apartment. Again I waited for hours, but this time Chetra never came. As the sun was going down a tall black man from Africa approached me. In perfect English he told me that "Chetra does not live here anymore." Who he was and how did he know I was waiting for Chetra is beyond me. He had no more information to offer. I thanked him and went on my way... straight to the bar.
Yes, the bar. I had not had a drink in three months, but I was depressed and couldn’t think of anything I needed more. My plan was to drink and drown my sorrows. I ordered my first beer and sat in a daze just staring at it. Just as I brought that beer to my lips, in walked Chetra! To fully appreciate the bizarreness of this situation, you have to realize a couple of things. First of all, Chetra had no idea that I was in Cambodia at the time. And as bizarre is the fact that Chetra does not drink and she has been to a bar no more than three or four times in her entire life. In my absence Chetra had taken on a job as a waitress. Coincidentally that fateful night was the birthday of Chetra's boss and out of all the bars in Phnom Penh he picked to celebrate, he had chosen the very same bar into which I had I had walked to drown my sorrows! A look of shock came to our faces. Our smiles erupted and we collapsed into each other’s embrace. Fate surely intervened that magical night.
Well, I'm not much of a romantic and I'm not a sucker for happy endings. So it’s with only mild regret that I must tell you the magic was gone. The day had arrived to say goodbye for good. Like any stand up guy would do, I lied to Chetra. I told her that Uncle Sam was shipping me off to Iraq for a tour of duty and my return to civilization was doubtful. Chetra’s sobs were the last I'd ever hear from her.
Now, here I sit in Koh Samui, Thailand, in a bungalow on the beach, where the weather is perfect, and the scenery gorgeous and dozens of times everyday I see a beautiful woman and think to myself, "God I'd love to fuck her!"
Señor is a pants dropper from Samui, Thailand.
July 25, 2002
Señor, Your Plane Is Waiting For You...
A Laos story by Señor © 2002
I admit it, I felt totally let down and I was bumming! After all, I had just left paradise in Cambodia, how could anything compare? It really wasn’t the fault of Laos’ capital city, Vientiane. Like many of my failed relationships in my life, I chalk this up to bad timing. Cambodia was wonderful. I’ve traveled to over 30 countries covering several continents. I’ve had many unbelievable experiences, but I was never more happy than the time I spent in Cambodia. I arrived in Laos with the harsh realization that Laos was no Cambodia! Happily, shortly after this realization, another one came my way: No Laos is no Cambodia, but Laos is Laos. And what a wonderful Laos it turned out to be!
For my first night out, I entered a dance club and was greeted by the host, "Would you like a beer and a lady?"
Hell yeah! I’d like a beer and a lady! Too funny! I never experienced hospitality to a fault, until that night that is. After a few beers and a few ladies, nature called and off to the men’s room I went. The club was a bit of a dive so I was surprised to find a bathroom attendant. "Whatever," I thought as I headed for the urinal to take care of business. The next thing I know the attendant tapped me on my shoulder and hands me a hot towel. A little pre-mature but a nice gesture none-the-less. I brought the towel to my forehead and all of a sudden I feel two hands on my shoulders! The attendant began giving me a massage while I’m taking a piss! Now this was getting a little carried away! Is this guy gay, living his dream job? Or are the Laotian people just this friendly? In broken Laotian I told him no thank you and was able to finish my piss in peace. What do you tip a guy for this service? I gave him a buck and he seemed happy. Later that night, I saw the attendant leave with a beautiful girl on each arm. I was relieved to discover that I was not his "love interest". He was just doing his job!
I quickly learned when it comes to hospitality the Laotians have no equal. A few days later I arrived in a wonderfully picturesque village called Luang Prabang. Again it was bad timing on my part. "Happy New Year Laos" was just a few days away and apparently Luang Prabang is the place to be for New Years celebrations. I was able to find a room for just one night but after that the entire village was fully booked solid for a week! SHIT! I checked into my hotel and headed straight for the Laos Aviation office. I had heard some good things about a small town called La Phang Na, which lies a few miles from where the Laotian border meets the Chinese, Thai and Burmese borders. Seems like a funky place to check out. I asked if they had any flights there leaving the next day. The Laos Aviation worker looked at me with a dead panned expression and said, "Would you like to go there tomorrow?"
I nodded yes and he arranged for a plane to take me there. Wait just a minute... a flight just for me? How much was this gonna set me back? I found the deal of the century: $30, yep thirty bucks! I’ll take it!
The next day I went to the airport. I was waiting for my flight at the bar, when it was announced over the loud speaker that, "Those travelers on Flight 83 to Vientiane should begin to board their aircraft."
Next they announced, "Those passengers travelling on Flight 63 to Chiang Mai, Thailand should begin to board their aircraft."
The next announcement really caught my attention, "Will passenger Señor please walk out to the runway. Señor, your plane is waiting for you."
That was a first for me! When all was said and done Laos was a beautiful country with friendly accommodating people. No it was no Cambodia, yet I was bumming no longer! I still left the country with a big smile on my face.
Laos is Señor's third story in his collection of Southeast Asian stories.
I admit it, I felt totally let down and I was bumming! After all, I had just left paradise in Cambodia, how could anything compare? It really wasn’t the fault of Laos’ capital city, Vientiane. Like many of my failed relationships in my life, I chalk this up to bad timing. Cambodia was wonderful. I’ve traveled to over 30 countries covering several continents. I’ve had many unbelievable experiences, but I was never more happy than the time I spent in Cambodia. I arrived in Laos with the harsh realization that Laos was no Cambodia! Happily, shortly after this realization, another one came my way: No Laos is no Cambodia, but Laos is Laos. And what a wonderful Laos it turned out to be!
For my first night out, I entered a dance club and was greeted by the host, "Would you like a beer and a lady?"
Hell yeah! I’d like a beer and a lady! Too funny! I never experienced hospitality to a fault, until that night that is. After a few beers and a few ladies, nature called and off to the men’s room I went. The club was a bit of a dive so I was surprised to find a bathroom attendant. "Whatever," I thought as I headed for the urinal to take care of business. The next thing I know the attendant tapped me on my shoulder and hands me a hot towel. A little pre-mature but a nice gesture none-the-less. I brought the towel to my forehead and all of a sudden I feel two hands on my shoulders! The attendant began giving me a massage while I’m taking a piss! Now this was getting a little carried away! Is this guy gay, living his dream job? Or are the Laotian people just this friendly? In broken Laotian I told him no thank you and was able to finish my piss in peace. What do you tip a guy for this service? I gave him a buck and he seemed happy. Later that night, I saw the attendant leave with a beautiful girl on each arm. I was relieved to discover that I was not his "love interest". He was just doing his job!
I quickly learned when it comes to hospitality the Laotians have no equal. A few days later I arrived in a wonderfully picturesque village called Luang Prabang. Again it was bad timing on my part. "Happy New Year Laos" was just a few days away and apparently Luang Prabang is the place to be for New Years celebrations. I was able to find a room for just one night but after that the entire village was fully booked solid for a week! SHIT! I checked into my hotel and headed straight for the Laos Aviation office. I had heard some good things about a small town called La Phang Na, which lies a few miles from where the Laotian border meets the Chinese, Thai and Burmese borders. Seems like a funky place to check out. I asked if they had any flights there leaving the next day. The Laos Aviation worker looked at me with a dead panned expression and said, "Would you like to go there tomorrow?"
I nodded yes and he arranged for a plane to take me there. Wait just a minute... a flight just for me? How much was this gonna set me back? I found the deal of the century: $30, yep thirty bucks! I’ll take it!
The next day I went to the airport. I was waiting for my flight at the bar, when it was announced over the loud speaker that, "Those travelers on Flight 83 to Vientiane should begin to board their aircraft."
Next they announced, "Those passengers travelling on Flight 63 to Chiang Mai, Thailand should begin to board their aircraft."
The next announcement really caught my attention, "Will passenger Señor please walk out to the runway. Señor, your plane is waiting for you."
That was a first for me! When all was said and done Laos was a beautiful country with friendly accommodating people. No it was no Cambodia, yet I was bumming no longer! I still left the country with a big smile on my face.
Laos is Señor's third story in his collection of Southeast Asian stories.
Deep Thoughts: Myanmar
By Señor © 2002
The following is an excerpt from my travel journal. To set the scene: I was in the small village of Inle Lake, Myanmar, staying at a beautiful hotel which was built on stilts on top of a lake. It was non-tourist season in Myanmar, a country which doesn’t get very many tourists anyway, which explains why there were only six guests in the entire hotel. This wonderful day was a particularly slow and lazy one which gave me ample time to catch up on my writing…
5/5/02 Inle Lake, Myanmar
Paradise is sitting on your balcony immediately overlooking a beautiful lake with majestic mountains in the background, while smoking a cheroot (a Burmese cigar). The only things that could make this better would be some ganja and a beautiful woman, either one that I’m in love with or at least, deeply in lust with! This morning, I’ve found yet another world! I took a three hour cruise of the lake visiting many pagodas, monasteries and villages... all situated on the lake and only accessible by boat. The highlight of my day and any day spent here, was just sitting on my balcony. A close second to that was visiting a souvenir shop, where they didn’t try to sell my anything and they gave me endless amounts of free tea, a cheroot and delicious Burmese crackers with even more delicious toppings. Surprisingly enough the people around here, do not seem to be as friendly as those in Yangon. But the few that are, are wonderful!
After cruising around for a few hours, I returned to my bungalow to write, read, nap and jerk off. Could I be any more relaxed? Later this afternoon maybe I will head off for a journey on canoe. I’ve had boat rides in Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam and now, many in Myanmar! I plan to travel to Singapore next, but I do have other attractive options... Island hopping in Thailand, or learning to scuba dive. I could go to Bangkok and look for Sotyn. I could go back to Cambodia and visit Chetra, Lin and all the Riverside Café girls. I could go to Vietnam, spend some time exploring Hoi An and spend time with Nguyen or Hang #1 or Hang #2 or even little Myhoa down in Ho Chi Minh City! No guarantees, but all of them seem to be pretty good options.
It might be best to blow off the chicks. What’s the point, really? I’m not gonna stay here, nor will I marry them. If I really wanted to, I could buy a hottie in Bangkok for a few days. Does this mean goodbye to Cambodia forever? A depressing thought, but one I could live with. Here is the deal: everywhere I have been I have been tempted to stay and learn the language. But do I really want to learn a mostly useless language?
Costa Rica is never far from my mind.
There I hope to:
A) be as attracted to the chicks as I am here
B) have as much luck with them and
C) be able to communicate with them in their own language which is a useful skill and widely spoken language.
Now that is a plan! I’ve got a lot of wonderful shit going on. Not even to mention the three or four weeks I have left on this trip.
The dinner crowd has dwindled. Only two tables, totaling 5 people are there. So it goes. Tomorrow I will only be a stat after I leave. My canoe ride was a wonderful and slow tranquil cruise in the perfect weather of the early evening through the friendliest water villages. The children came running out of their houses waving, giving thumbs up, blowing kisses and of all things shouting out joyfully "dado" or "dada" which doesn't means hello, but goodbye! Whatever the meaning, it was adorable and it made my day! I will miss this place, but no spot more than my balcony, where I'll go after my diner is complete. Of course that won’t be for a while... I learned last night that patience isn’t just a virtue around here, but a necessity. I told the hotel staff today, there is never a need to be in a hurry here, and God bless this place for that!
The weather around here is crazy. Yangon is hot and humid. I’m told Mandalay and Bagan are even worse. Here the day is never too hot and the evening cool, which is followed by crazy rain and wind storms which continue intermittently through the night. But during the calm intermittent periods, it’s just perfect!
Finished dinner and it’s a fucking storm out there. I am trapped at the restaurant with nothing to do but write and get shitfaced! I really don’t feel like drinking, besides a day-after drunk stomach is not very appealing considering I have a 6 hour drive to Mandalay tomorrow. I haven’t had even one beer since Wednesday, that’s definitely the longest I’ve gone this whole trip! I’ll have to have a beer tomorrow night in Mandalay whether I want one or not! Although even months before I arrived in Myanmar I imagined my time here to be quiet and sober. Yangon does offer a night-life but Inle Lake is as quiet as it gets! As the rain hurls down upon the roof, once again I wish I had a joint. Oh well. It really isn’t that big a deal. I read something about opium in Mandalay… hmmm, I don’t want to wind up in a Burmese prison, lets see what fate has in store for me.
I made it back to my balcony! Thanks to the roof she is as dry as dry can be! It’s now drizzling around me, but I am comfortable and once again on my balcony, HAPPY! I would like to write about Day Two with Top Cat, the old man tour guide whom I toured the Nguyen Dynasty ruins with Hang plus adventures in Hanoi, but now is not the time. I’ve now come to understand that saying from McGrupp: "What is meant to be written will be..." Indeed, no more no less…
Myanmar is Senor's fourth installment of his Asian stories.
The following is an excerpt from my travel journal. To set the scene: I was in the small village of Inle Lake, Myanmar, staying at a beautiful hotel which was built on stilts on top of a lake. It was non-tourist season in Myanmar, a country which doesn’t get very many tourists anyway, which explains why there were only six guests in the entire hotel. This wonderful day was a particularly slow and lazy one which gave me ample time to catch up on my writing…
5/5/02 Inle Lake, Myanmar
Paradise is sitting on your balcony immediately overlooking a beautiful lake with majestic mountains in the background, while smoking a cheroot (a Burmese cigar). The only things that could make this better would be some ganja and a beautiful woman, either one that I’m in love with or at least, deeply in lust with! This morning, I’ve found yet another world! I took a three hour cruise of the lake visiting many pagodas, monasteries and villages... all situated on the lake and only accessible by boat. The highlight of my day and any day spent here, was just sitting on my balcony. A close second to that was visiting a souvenir shop, where they didn’t try to sell my anything and they gave me endless amounts of free tea, a cheroot and delicious Burmese crackers with even more delicious toppings. Surprisingly enough the people around here, do not seem to be as friendly as those in Yangon. But the few that are, are wonderful!
After cruising around for a few hours, I returned to my bungalow to write, read, nap and jerk off. Could I be any more relaxed? Later this afternoon maybe I will head off for a journey on canoe. I’ve had boat rides in Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam and now, many in Myanmar! I plan to travel to Singapore next, but I do have other attractive options... Island hopping in Thailand, or learning to scuba dive. I could go to Bangkok and look for Sotyn. I could go back to Cambodia and visit Chetra, Lin and all the Riverside Café girls. I could go to Vietnam, spend some time exploring Hoi An and spend time with Nguyen or Hang #1 or Hang #2 or even little Myhoa down in Ho Chi Minh City! No guarantees, but all of them seem to be pretty good options.
It might be best to blow off the chicks. What’s the point, really? I’m not gonna stay here, nor will I marry them. If I really wanted to, I could buy a hottie in Bangkok for a few days. Does this mean goodbye to Cambodia forever? A depressing thought, but one I could live with. Here is the deal: everywhere I have been I have been tempted to stay and learn the language. But do I really want to learn a mostly useless language?
Costa Rica is never far from my mind.
There I hope to:
A) be as attracted to the chicks as I am here
B) have as much luck with them and
C) be able to communicate with them in their own language which is a useful skill and widely spoken language.
Now that is a plan! I’ve got a lot of wonderful shit going on. Not even to mention the three or four weeks I have left on this trip.
The dinner crowd has dwindled. Only two tables, totaling 5 people are there. So it goes. Tomorrow I will only be a stat after I leave. My canoe ride was a wonderful and slow tranquil cruise in the perfect weather of the early evening through the friendliest water villages. The children came running out of their houses waving, giving thumbs up, blowing kisses and of all things shouting out joyfully "dado" or "dada" which doesn't means hello, but goodbye! Whatever the meaning, it was adorable and it made my day! I will miss this place, but no spot more than my balcony, where I'll go after my diner is complete. Of course that won’t be for a while... I learned last night that patience isn’t just a virtue around here, but a necessity. I told the hotel staff today, there is never a need to be in a hurry here, and God bless this place for that!
The weather around here is crazy. Yangon is hot and humid. I’m told Mandalay and Bagan are even worse. Here the day is never too hot and the evening cool, which is followed by crazy rain and wind storms which continue intermittently through the night. But during the calm intermittent periods, it’s just perfect!
Finished dinner and it’s a fucking storm out there. I am trapped at the restaurant with nothing to do but write and get shitfaced! I really don’t feel like drinking, besides a day-after drunk stomach is not very appealing considering I have a 6 hour drive to Mandalay tomorrow. I haven’t had even one beer since Wednesday, that’s definitely the longest I’ve gone this whole trip! I’ll have to have a beer tomorrow night in Mandalay whether I want one or not! Although even months before I arrived in Myanmar I imagined my time here to be quiet and sober. Yangon does offer a night-life but Inle Lake is as quiet as it gets! As the rain hurls down upon the roof, once again I wish I had a joint. Oh well. It really isn’t that big a deal. I read something about opium in Mandalay… hmmm, I don’t want to wind up in a Burmese prison, lets see what fate has in store for me.
I made it back to my balcony! Thanks to the roof she is as dry as dry can be! It’s now drizzling around me, but I am comfortable and once again on my balcony, HAPPY! I would like to write about Day Two with Top Cat, the old man tour guide whom I toured the Nguyen Dynasty ruins with Hang plus adventures in Hanoi, but now is not the time. I’ve now come to understand that saying from McGrupp: "What is meant to be written will be..." Indeed, no more no less…
Myanmar is Senor's fourth installment of his Asian stories.
June 14, 2002
The Cheshire Grin
A Vietnam Story by Señor
The shit really hit the fan in Hanoi but the trouble had been brewing since Hoi An. Everything was going great. I'm in a beautiful country, traveling with a beautiful woman named Hang, the weather is glorious… life was good!
Hoi An is a picturesque Vietnamese village located some 20 miles south of Danang. Hoi An is famous for beautiful beaches, enchanting laid back atmosphere, and dirt cheap shopping. That’s right, the main streets are lined with tailor shops after tailor shops, where one can buy an Armani suit or Versace dress for $10 US dollars. Ten bucks! But not even the deal of a century could get me to buy a suit. You see, I just recently quit being "a suit" and the last thing in the world that I wanted to do was buy a suit.
Hang and I are driving from Hue’ to Hoi An. The previous night we shared our first (which also turned out to be our last) passionate night together. But, now we were acting like two school kids with crushes. I have to admit, it was kinda sweet. Unfortunately, things changed suddenly just as we arrived in Danang. For the next several hours Hang alternated between completely ignoring me and giving me attitude. I am not sure which I preferred! Now I imagine I must have done something to set her off, but for the life of me I have no clue what that something was. In Hoi An we rented a moped, in silence, and headed off to the beach. Half way there I decided enough was enough! "I’m on vacation, I don’t need to deal with this bullshit!"
After the beach I planned to take a taxi to Danang Airport and catch the next flight to Hanoi. There Hang and I would part ways. Hang, off to her home and as for me, well I would be free to pursue happiness in peace! I told Hang the plan and she thought it was a great idea. As a matter of fact I hadn’t seen her this happy in hours, which of course just pissed me off even more!
By the time we got to the beach Hang was a different woman. Actually she was the same woman she had been the night before. She was smiling, laughing, holding my hand, kissing me… this chick is schitzo!!! I decided to enjoy the moment while simultaneously I looked forward to our parting of ways. Happy Hang did not stick around for too long. At the Danang Airport she wouldn’t even sit near me, much less next to me. On the plane she wouldn’t talk to me. As the plane was landing at the Hanoi Airport, I decided to make a bee line for the taxi stand and be done with Hang for good. That was not meant to be. Hang, now speaking to me again, convinced me that it would be better if we took a bus together to downtown Hanoi. There I could take a taxi and she would be met by her brother. Why I listened to her when I could’ve just gotten the hell away from her, I‘ll never know!
By the time we reached downtown it was almost midnight and I had no idea where I would stay for the night. Much to my surprise Hang took her brother’s moped. Yes, they all have mopeds over there! So Hang told me to hop on and told her brother that she would be right back. I thought, "Should I go with her? I am the adventurous type, what the heck!" I hopped on and off we went. Hang told me that she would feel awful if I had to take a taxi so late at night. She knew of a nice hotel that she would take me to. This must be the Sweet Hang.
Fate intervened with her good intentions. The hotel was closed for renovations. What to do now? I asked Hang if she could take me to another hotel. Apparently this was the wrong question to ask! Hang turned around and told me to get off the bike. I got off the bike while Hang calmly explained to me that her brother was waiting for her so she couldn’t possibly take me anywhere else. Off she went and there I was stranded in the middle of nowhere at close to one o'clock in the morning.
I picked up my backpack and began to walk back toward town. As I walked I just couldn’t prevent a smile from appearing on my face. Before I knew it I was grinning from ear to ear. You see, despite my current predicament I realized that I had finally gotten rid of Hang!
The Cheshire Grin by Señor is the first story in a collection of travel stories from his recent trip to Southeast Asia.
The shit really hit the fan in Hanoi but the trouble had been brewing since Hoi An. Everything was going great. I'm in a beautiful country, traveling with a beautiful woman named Hang, the weather is glorious… life was good!
Hoi An is a picturesque Vietnamese village located some 20 miles south of Danang. Hoi An is famous for beautiful beaches, enchanting laid back atmosphere, and dirt cheap shopping. That’s right, the main streets are lined with tailor shops after tailor shops, where one can buy an Armani suit or Versace dress for $10 US dollars. Ten bucks! But not even the deal of a century could get me to buy a suit. You see, I just recently quit being "a suit" and the last thing in the world that I wanted to do was buy a suit.
Hang and I are driving from Hue’ to Hoi An. The previous night we shared our first (which also turned out to be our last) passionate night together. But, now we were acting like two school kids with crushes. I have to admit, it was kinda sweet. Unfortunately, things changed suddenly just as we arrived in Danang. For the next several hours Hang alternated between completely ignoring me and giving me attitude. I am not sure which I preferred! Now I imagine I must have done something to set her off, but for the life of me I have no clue what that something was. In Hoi An we rented a moped, in silence, and headed off to the beach. Half way there I decided enough was enough! "I’m on vacation, I don’t need to deal with this bullshit!"
After the beach I planned to take a taxi to Danang Airport and catch the next flight to Hanoi. There Hang and I would part ways. Hang, off to her home and as for me, well I would be free to pursue happiness in peace! I told Hang the plan and she thought it was a great idea. As a matter of fact I hadn’t seen her this happy in hours, which of course just pissed me off even more!
By the time we got to the beach Hang was a different woman. Actually she was the same woman she had been the night before. She was smiling, laughing, holding my hand, kissing me… this chick is schitzo!!! I decided to enjoy the moment while simultaneously I looked forward to our parting of ways. Happy Hang did not stick around for too long. At the Danang Airport she wouldn’t even sit near me, much less next to me. On the plane she wouldn’t talk to me. As the plane was landing at the Hanoi Airport, I decided to make a bee line for the taxi stand and be done with Hang for good. That was not meant to be. Hang, now speaking to me again, convinced me that it would be better if we took a bus together to downtown Hanoi. There I could take a taxi and she would be met by her brother. Why I listened to her when I could’ve just gotten the hell away from her, I‘ll never know!
By the time we reached downtown it was almost midnight and I had no idea where I would stay for the night. Much to my surprise Hang took her brother’s moped. Yes, they all have mopeds over there! So Hang told me to hop on and told her brother that she would be right back. I thought, "Should I go with her? I am the adventurous type, what the heck!" I hopped on and off we went. Hang told me that she would feel awful if I had to take a taxi so late at night. She knew of a nice hotel that she would take me to. This must be the Sweet Hang.
Fate intervened with her good intentions. The hotel was closed for renovations. What to do now? I asked Hang if she could take me to another hotel. Apparently this was the wrong question to ask! Hang turned around and told me to get off the bike. I got off the bike while Hang calmly explained to me that her brother was waiting for her so she couldn’t possibly take me anywhere else. Off she went and there I was stranded in the middle of nowhere at close to one o'clock in the morning.
I picked up my backpack and began to walk back toward town. As I walked I just couldn’t prevent a smile from appearing on my face. Before I knew it I was grinning from ear to ear. You see, despite my current predicament I realized that I had finally gotten rid of Hang!
The Cheshire Grin by Señor is the first story in a collection of travel stories from his recent trip to Southeast Asia.
How High Can You Try?
A Cambodian Story by Señor
Buy, sell or possess illegal drugs in Singapore or Thailand and get the death penalty. No exceptions, no alternate interpretations of the law: Death. Upon arrival at Don Muong International Airport in Bangkok, you are greeted by a sign that makes this absolutely clear. No tourist can claim ignorance.
Such stringent penalties are not the same through out all of Southeast Asia, although government attitudes about drugs are similar. Cambodia is an exception to every rule, where lawlessness is the law and corruption is King. Get busted for marijuana and it’s gonna cost you. No, not your life, just many US dollars. Unhappy about that? No problem! If you pay the government enough you can buy yourself the position of Drug Tsar. Your word then becomes law until someone comes along and ups your ante.
With this in mind it should be of little surprise that while in Southeast Asia I chose Cambodia as the place to experiment with drugs. It all started off pretty harmlessly with a trip to the pharmacy for some Valium. I thought it might be nice to take some Valium and go sit on the beach during sunset. The adorable Cambodian woman behind the counter apologized to me and explained that Valium is a prescription drug. She could not sell it to me. Lucky for me "Honest" Abe Lincoln was on my side! Five extra dollars was transferred from my wallet to the pharmacist’s pocket and I was off to the beach, Valium in hand, to soak up the sunset.
The next day I decided to charter a boat to take me to a beautiful deserted island off the Cambodian coast. What exactly I needed to get away from, I’m not sure, but for a whopping two dollars I figured what the hell! So me and the local boat driver venture off on our journey. About an hour into the trip we come across another boat and this Indian looking fellow with a British accent hops onboard. I thought nothing of it at the time. I was happy to have the company of another English speaker. He seemed to be a pretty good guy. Finally we made it to our destination and this dude breaks out a phat bag of kind and offers to smoke me up. It’s as if he read my mind! These are the times joints were made for! We puff down until we were zooted and he asks me if I want to buy some off him. My own stash? Fuck yeah! No sooner do I pay the guy, does this bastard produce an ID and badge. He’s an undercover narc! I’m screwed! Well not really, you see he doesn’t want to arrest me. He actually likes hanging out with me! I’m afraid Abe Lincoln ain’t gonna do the trick this time. I throw down two Ulysses S. Grants. My new "friend" now smiles and bids me farewell. He was alright, he even let me keep the stash! Before he walked away he handed one of the $50’s to my boat driver. They shared a laugh and he was gone for good.
I wasn’t sure what lesson to take away from this experience. Did I learn that I am a lucky son of a bitch and I better start laying low? Or as long as I got $$$$$$ I’m bound by no law in this country.
I’d heard of Happy Pizza but not yet sampled the goods as I chose to learn the latter lesson. Apparently if you go to the right pizzeria and ask for Happy Pizza you get a pie with kind buds baked inside. I tried my luck and after eating a pretty good tasting pie, I was WASTED! There I was in this exotic land amongst a foreign people who speak a foreign language and I’m tripping my balls off! I wandered around for a while and wound up in a karaoke bar where an unbelievably sexy woman sat down next to me. She spoke to me the only English phrase that she knew, "Would you like a massage?" Ordinarily, I’m not the kind of guy to turn down such an enticing offer, but under the psychedelic circumstances it just wasn’t gonna happen. All was not lost. For the next few hours through pointing and repeating this young woman taught me Cambodian. I could now say, Cho kai muy (Cheers), Sua s'dei (Hello), Sohk sabaay te (How are you?) I could now count from 1 to 5! Muy, Pii, Bei, Buan, Bram and of course I could now say, Sri sa'at (You are beautiful!) I’m not exactly sure what really happened that night, but to my best recollection that’s the way things went down.
This positive experience just whetted my appetite for a little more hardcore experimentation. Aw kohn!
How High Can You Try? by Señor is the second story in a collection of travel stories from his recent trip to Southeast Asia.
Buy, sell or possess illegal drugs in Singapore or Thailand and get the death penalty. No exceptions, no alternate interpretations of the law: Death. Upon arrival at Don Muong International Airport in Bangkok, you are greeted by a sign that makes this absolutely clear. No tourist can claim ignorance.
Such stringent penalties are not the same through out all of Southeast Asia, although government attitudes about drugs are similar. Cambodia is an exception to every rule, where lawlessness is the law and corruption is King. Get busted for marijuana and it’s gonna cost you. No, not your life, just many US dollars. Unhappy about that? No problem! If you pay the government enough you can buy yourself the position of Drug Tsar. Your word then becomes law until someone comes along and ups your ante.
With this in mind it should be of little surprise that while in Southeast Asia I chose Cambodia as the place to experiment with drugs. It all started off pretty harmlessly with a trip to the pharmacy for some Valium. I thought it might be nice to take some Valium and go sit on the beach during sunset. The adorable Cambodian woman behind the counter apologized to me and explained that Valium is a prescription drug. She could not sell it to me. Lucky for me "Honest" Abe Lincoln was on my side! Five extra dollars was transferred from my wallet to the pharmacist’s pocket and I was off to the beach, Valium in hand, to soak up the sunset.
The next day I decided to charter a boat to take me to a beautiful deserted island off the Cambodian coast. What exactly I needed to get away from, I’m not sure, but for a whopping two dollars I figured what the hell! So me and the local boat driver venture off on our journey. About an hour into the trip we come across another boat and this Indian looking fellow with a British accent hops onboard. I thought nothing of it at the time. I was happy to have the company of another English speaker. He seemed to be a pretty good guy. Finally we made it to our destination and this dude breaks out a phat bag of kind and offers to smoke me up. It’s as if he read my mind! These are the times joints were made for! We puff down until we were zooted and he asks me if I want to buy some off him. My own stash? Fuck yeah! No sooner do I pay the guy, does this bastard produce an ID and badge. He’s an undercover narc! I’m screwed! Well not really, you see he doesn’t want to arrest me. He actually likes hanging out with me! I’m afraid Abe Lincoln ain’t gonna do the trick this time. I throw down two Ulysses S. Grants. My new "friend" now smiles and bids me farewell. He was alright, he even let me keep the stash! Before he walked away he handed one of the $50’s to my boat driver. They shared a laugh and he was gone for good.
I wasn’t sure what lesson to take away from this experience. Did I learn that I am a lucky son of a bitch and I better start laying low? Or as long as I got $$$$$$ I’m bound by no law in this country.
I’d heard of Happy Pizza but not yet sampled the goods as I chose to learn the latter lesson. Apparently if you go to the right pizzeria and ask for Happy Pizza you get a pie with kind buds baked inside. I tried my luck and after eating a pretty good tasting pie, I was WASTED! There I was in this exotic land amongst a foreign people who speak a foreign language and I’m tripping my balls off! I wandered around for a while and wound up in a karaoke bar where an unbelievably sexy woman sat down next to me. She spoke to me the only English phrase that she knew, "Would you like a massage?" Ordinarily, I’m not the kind of guy to turn down such an enticing offer, but under the psychedelic circumstances it just wasn’t gonna happen. All was not lost. For the next few hours through pointing and repeating this young woman taught me Cambodian. I could now say, Cho kai muy (Cheers), Sua s'dei (Hello), Sohk sabaay te (How are you?) I could now count from 1 to 5! Muy, Pii, Bei, Buan, Bram and of course I could now say, Sri sa'at (You are beautiful!) I’m not exactly sure what really happened that night, but to my best recollection that’s the way things went down.
This positive experience just whetted my appetite for a little more hardcore experimentation. Aw kohn!
How High Can You Try? by Señor is the second story in a collection of travel stories from his recent trip to Southeast Asia.
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