October 22, 2005

The Miracle "John"

By T-Money © 2005

It was a sunny Monday morning as I was driving to the Northern Michigan area near Traverse City to do some technical work at one of our offices. The trip itself is about a three-hour drive. I travel quite often so three hours is usually nothing.

This morning would be different. I was recovering from a weekend of drinking at a bachelor party. I believe my diet over the weekend had consisted of 90 percent beer and 10 percent wings and pizza. So I was definitely feeling the effects Monday morning.

It started off okay. After an hour I stopped to fuel up and grabbed a 20oz bottle of Aquafina (I believe to be the official water for post drinking) and a 16oz of coffee with cream and sugar, of course. My head was pounding but I was doing okay until something in my stomach shifted and a sound emerged from the center of my gut. Oh yes, it was time to purge!

Problem was is that I was on a stretch of 131N where there is nothing. No gas stations off the side of the road. No party store. Hell, not even a fruit stand. So I'm starting to feel the pressure. I have my ass half off the seat and my legs are straight as a board as to maximize the clenching effect. After a few minutes, sweat starts rolling off of my forehead. I start putting plans into place on what I will do after I shit my pants.

"Where will I buy clothes?"

"How will I get in a store to purchase clothing covered in my shit?"

After a few minutes longer I realize time is short. I know the area well and I figure I have about 15 more minutes of drive time left before I get to my destination. By this time my legs are shaking from keeping them completely tense and I am drenched in sweat. "It's time to speed."

I step on the gas and before I can accelerate to "I have to shit" speed, I come up on a car. That car is a police car.

"You have to be shitting me!" I exclaimed to myself.

I ease back and decide on Plan B. Plan B came to me quickly: pull over and drop trou.

I pick the first road I see and turn off. It is a dirt road with an old baseball field on my right side. Looks as if it hasn't been used in years. I make another turn and head towards the field. I pull along side the field where there is also a small light blue building. I stopped the car beside the building and just around the corner a small miracle appears. A door that says "MEN."

Un-freaking-believable! I swear a light from the heavens came down over that door as angels were singing.

I ease out of the door. Any sudden movement now, a cough, a sneeze, could trigger my colon, the contents of which I have worked so hard to keep in. I've come too far and I am too close for that to happen now. As I gradually walk to the door the thought occurs that this door could be locked!

"Oh please, Oh please do not be locked."

I make it to the door and grab the handle and pull it down and push. The door swings open like the pearly gates. From the time I get through the door and to the toilet, a mere second has passed at the most, I'm sure. I do remember the site of the toilet before I set my ass down. The porcelain was completely stained in an obvious crap color. Plus there was no water.

As I sit down I release the hounds. My ass explodes as large amounts of watery shit shoots out my ass into the toilet. I am now dripping with sweat. It must be about 90 degrees in here. My shirt is literally drenched and my legs are still shaking. The smell is horrific. But I am relieved. I sit there in a moment of clarity stepping through in my mind the series of events that lead me to this point. Then another small miracle happens. I notice a roll of toilet paper sitting on the handle used for handicapped people to hang onto when doing their business. Again, Angels singing and bright soft light.

I am ready to try and clean my ass up as much as I can when I stand up and the sound from my gut comes again. I immediately sit down and proceed to another round of shit shooting from my ass. When this rounds finishes I am drained. Completely soaked and still shaking I can only laugh to myself. I begin to think, what if this had happened in the car, and laugh out loud.

The second try was the charm and I was able to clean up. The toilet however was now destroyed. I attempted to flush but the handle only fell loosely. Shit covered the back of the toilet and had made quite a pile at the bottom. You know when you used to play at the beach and make sand castles? Remember taking wet sand and letting it slowly seep from your hand into a pile? This is the image I’m faced with. "Is that a mushroom?"

The smell was really bad at this point and I did not even attempt to wash my hands.

I started thinking to myself how lucky I was as I started towards the exit and stepped out into the sunshine. Ahhhh... fresh air. I turn the corner towards my car and practically run into a police officer. Yes! A police officer. I can only imagine what he was thinking seeing me come out of bathroom looking like I did.

"What are you doing here?" the police officer asked.

"Uhhhhh, I had to use the bathroom, sir," I say.

"Do you know this is private property?" police officer says.

"No," I mumble.

"Well it is. I was in front of you when I saw you pull off this road. I knew there was nothing but this abandoned field," the police officer says.

I had nothing to say. Still in shock. He then walks to my car and looks through the windows, checking out the inside of the car. We then have a short discussion about where I am going and what I do.

I thought I was off the hook until he starts walking towards the bathroom. "What the fuck!" I'm thinking. The officer walks in and before the door is even closed I hear "Holy Shit!"

No kidding, I'm thinking, and I start laughing. I couldn't stop the laughter. The officer was yelling something else but I don't remember what it was. He exits the bathroom and I am nearly in tears because I can only imagine him walking in and seeing that un-godly site of a toilet and what I had done to it.

"It doesn't flush," I say through my laughter.

"No shit it doesn't flush, it's abandoned," he replies.

I then went on to explain the entire situation with the bachelor party that weekend and my stomach... etc.. Believe it or not he actually begins to laugh and proceeds to tell me a story about a cop buddy of his who shit himself while on patrol.

I was able to leave and that was that!

T-Money is a traveler from the Midwest.

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