February 13, 2005

Felicitous Feces

By Alexa © 2005

Rainer and I met at a small neighborhood bistro on the Upper West Side. We planned to eat a late lunch and then retire to his apartment for a couple hours. Although I live only a few blocks from the bistro, negotiating the remaining mounds of snow in the West 70's still presented serious challenges for my Manolo's.

So why the hell did I wear Manolo's after this weekend's blizzard? Let's just say that Rainer is a real stickler for appearances - he's an old-school European in that way. Anyway, I figured that I could handle a couple of blocks in heels because the city had already cleared most of the snow. I'm just happy that he was OK with me wearing pants. Venturing into the cold in the mini-skirts that he usually prefers would've been no fun, even with a heavy overcoat.

I wondered what Manolo would think of me walking in the Manolo's in the snow?

While waiting for our appetizers to arrive, I asked to be excused so that I could pee. Before granting permission, Rainer asked me in a hushed tone whether I had panties on. Of course, I didn't. Rainer liked to fantasize about my pussy getting wet without any panties.

After I told him "No," Rainer's mouth formed the slightest of smiles. He nodded his head and said in his light German accent, "You may go then."

The first hints that something was wrong occurred shortly after I lowered my pants to sit on the toilet.

A loud fart exploded out of the adjacent stall and startled me. In my hurry to enter my stall, I hadn't realized that someone was in the next stall. A series of squeakers followed along with several plops, gloops and even grunts. Soon, fingers of noxious fumes crept through the various cracks between our stalls. Surrounding me with the stench of rotten eggs, they began to choke me - or at least it felt that way because I could no longer breathe through my nose any longer.

I hurriedly finished my business, wiped myself with a fold of toilet paper, washed my hands and fled back to the bistro's main dining area.

Curious about the person who had made such an uncouth ruckus at the toilet, I kept glancing at the restroom door after I sat down. Rainer was peeved that I was a bit distracted and he didn't understand why. But I couldn't help it. I just had to know; and unfortunately, the humor of the situation would've been wasted on my stern German companion.

Several minutes later, a petite, elegant and older Asian lady walked out. She blew me away - literally and figuratively. She's the last type of woman I'd expect to engage in such un-ladylike behavior!

Now don't get me wrong. Although I'm self-conscious about pooping around others and am a toilet farter, I know that we all poop - my shit stinks just as bad as everyone else's. When you gotta go, you gotta go. But if you gotta go when others are around, please make liberal use of the courtesy flush, especially if you're on a toilet that doesn't need to refill between flushes. Courtesy flushes are essential to minimizing the nasty odors. And, for the love of god, refrain from those ungodly grunts!

Rainer and I ended up finishing our lunch and enjoyed several hours of playtime. As a professional, I couldn't let thoughts of the bathroom showdown interfere any more with satisfying my client.

Alexa is an escort from New York City. Visit her blog: A New York Escorts Confessions.

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