By Tenzin McGrupp © 2004
Ivan walked into the Tavern and saddled up to the bar. Charlie quickly slid over a double shot of Stoli and a glass of ice water. Ivan picked up the vodka with his right hand and downed it in an easy, swift motion. He sipped the ice water and let out a sigh. Charlie noticed the sling on his right arm.
"What the hell happened?" Charlie asked while he poured Smitty his ninth draft beer of the day.
"Stupid Ruskie probably hurt himself wiping his ass," Smitty blurted out, his eyes fixated at the TV above the bar.
"Fuck you, old man. I could snap your neck like a little boy stepping on a cockroach," Ivan yelled as jumped up from his stool and waved a clenched fist. He maffled something in Russian before he sat back down.
"Smitty's having one of his days," Charlie added to diffuse the tense situation. He poured Ivan another shot. "I haven’t seen you in a week. Are you gonna tell me what happened or will I have to assume that Smitty's correct?"
"Mr. Charlie, I met the most beautiful woman last week in my cab. I picked her up at the airport. She was very sexy. She had very long legs and she smelled like fresh flowers. She reminded me of my sex kitten, Kelly, except she looked like that sexy girl from Alias."
"Ah, yes. Ms. Jen Garner. Do you know her from Hollywood, Mr. Charlie?"
He laughed. "No, Ivan. Never met her."
"I drive her to her hotel. She is in town for a wedding, but does not know too many people in the city. I told her I could drive her to the wedding, somewhere in Long Island. I meet her the next day, drive her to Huntington. Then go back to the city. I picked her up after the wedding and she is very drunk. She sits in the front seat with me. In the day time, not so many girls look at Ivan," as he pounds his chest, "But at night, drunk girls find me irresistible."
"Drunk boys too. I’m onto you, you commie fudge packer," Smitty shouted out, again, not taking his eyes off the TV.
"Fuck you, old man!"
Charlie turned to Smitty and shouted, "Settle down now, or I’ll cut you off."
"Ms. Jen Garner asks me up to her room. I park my cab and go upstairs. She has a very large bag of cocaine. She smiles at me and says, 'Ivan, we are going to snort some coke. We are going to take a shower. Then you are going to fuck me.'"
"Holy shit. She didn’t really say that?"
"Mr. Charlie, I swear! I cannot understand how I get myself into these situations. For the next 48 hours, I popped Viagra, snorted cocaine, ate cheeseburgers from room service and had sex with Ms. Jen Garner non-stop. It was the best time I had in months. Then in the middle of having sex, I guess I was too crazy in the head. I forgot so many things and started speaking in Russian and calling her names like "goat", "pig-fucker", and "peasant girl". Then I forget her name. Oh, Mr. Charlie, I was so embarrassed. She is so very sexy and I forgot her name. We are humping doggie style on the floor. I did not know what to do. I grabbed her hair and yanked back. She screamed and started going crazy.
"I yelled, 'What’s my name, bitch?'
"She screamed back, 'Ivan! Ivan!'
"Then I leaned into her ear and screamed, 'What’s your name, bitch?'
"She screamed 'Amanda! Amanda!'
"Mr. Charlie, I was so happy. She told me her name! I pulled her hair again and she jumped up. I fell backwards on a chair and dislocated my shoulder. She jumped on top of me and didn’t stop grinding for two more hours. Mr. Charlie, I have not been that injured in many years. She bit my neck," as he pulled back his shirt and showed Charlie teeth marks, "she scratched my back with her nails, dislocated my shoulder, and kicked me in the balls."
"Ivan, you have the craziest stories. Someday, I am going to write all of them up into a novel and make $10 million."
"I hope you do Mr. Charlie. And I only ask one thing in return. You must introduce me to..."
Charlie cut him off, "I know, I know. Jamie Lee Curtis."
Ivan paused for a second and smiled. "Yes, Ms. Jamie Lee first. But second, you must introduce me to that sexy girl on The O.C. I would kill eight hundred innocent men for one hour with her. I want to make her my new sex kitten."
Tenzin McGrupp is a writer from New York City.