By Señor © 2002
Misadventures from the Philippines, Part I
Upon arrival it seemed they were not gonna let me in and upon departure it seemed they were not gonna let me out! Yet the true adventure lies in between. I ignored all warnings from parents, friends, and my government and headed off to the Philippines for vacation. Immigration was brutal! Never before had I been grilled so thoroughly. Everyone before me casually strolled through immigration in one to two minutes. Twenty minutes after my grilling began I was still answering questions. Why was I entering the Philippines? Where would I be staying? Where would I be going? Why had I spent so much time in Southeast Asia? What is my daily routine in Thailand? Do I have any affiliation with Muslim or Islam? The questions seemed to go on and on. Sweat soaked my entire body. Were they actually not gonna let me in? Finally my passport was stamped and I was on my way.
I didn't exactly know what to expect from Manila so I pre-booked myself into a five star hotel. Driving in the non-air conditioned bus, after that grilling, I was glad that I had. All I was thinking about was a seamless check-in and a nice, long, hot bath. The bus dropped me off close to the hotel and I made a beeline to the entrance. Before I could get through the door the police stopped me. Apparently before entering any building in the Philippines all persons and baggage must be checked. I guess that in a country terrorized frequently by bombings you can't be too careful. My bag passed inspection without incident. I wish I could say the same about my person.
Policeman: "May I see your passport please?"
"Ok, Mr. Señor, please take off your shirt"
"Ok, now Mr. Señor, please take off your pants."
Yes, I was getting stripped searched! Usually I am quite happy to take off my pants in public, but somehow this experience didn't live up to the others! There I was in nothing but my underwear! Everyone was staring. Men whistled in jest. Women were awed by the vast amount of my precious body hair. And all I could think was thank god I didn't wear the underwear with shit stains! Oh no, the search was not over yet.
The cop leaned over and whispered into my ear, "Mr. Señor, I will not ask you to remove your underwear in this public place. However for security reasons I must ask you to let me have a peek."
Unbelievable! What do you say to that? My first night in this foreign country? Should I have said, "Fuck off you goddamn pervert?" Well, I didn't. He peeked and smiled and I dressed and went on my way!
The hotel was truly opulent and the marble bathroom in my room was calling my name. After a long, hot bath I settled down a bit and even started to feel pretty good. I decided a good meal was in order. I headed to the food court at the mall next door. Of course I had to go through a metal detector and get frisked, but this time there were no problems. The food court was unbelievably western, filled with KFC, McDonalds, Burger King, Kenny Rogers' Rotisserie, Dunkin' Donuts and more! I opted for the Filipino food and ordered the vegetarian special, which consisted of rice with "beef" and pork! This didn't faze me. I was ready for dessert. That evening's dessert was walking around the packed mall and checking out the gorgeous Filipino women.
My luck was about to change for the better. Or so it seemed at the time. Two very hot Filipino women approached me and asked if I would like to join them for coffee. Things were going fine until someone came running toward us, grabbed one of the girls' purses, and took off. We chased him and before I knew it literally ten undercover security guards had caught the culprit. We spent the next hour filling out paper work in the security office. Afterwards, the three of us decided that we needed a drink. Normally I don't drink but this night I was fully prepared to make an exception. Off we went.
Four hours later, after lots of laughing, dancing, and drinking we found ourselves back in my hotel room. I'd noticed there was a lot of touchy feely going on between the two ladies on the dance floor and my excitement about the immediate possibilities was at a peak. I was not disappointed as the ladies began to dirty dance and strip each other. I'm not a big fan of breast implants, and the four breasts standing in front of me were blatantly fake yet perfect! My erection was rock hard and I was ready to join the fun. As I began to caress one's breasts they both removed each other’s pants. To my shock and dismay each of them had an erection as hard as my own! Instantly mine diminished and within five minutes I had the two transvestites out of my room. I must have stayed in the shower for an hour trying to scrub off the filthy feeling that encompassed my entire body. Why must Asian transvestites be so fucking beautiful and ladylike?
Señor is a pants dropper who lived in Samui, Thailand, and now currently resides in Rhode Island. This story originally appeared in the December 2002 issue of Truckin'.