A Trolls Life

By Mark Verve © 2010

I don't think the single life is bad in fact I rather enjoy it. I consider it an adventure. Dating can be a pain but just imagine how many married people would love the chance to date again. For that matter, imagine how many are dating again. I'm just an average guy with nothing special going for me. I'm just a bit more practiced at the craft. Over time we all develop our favorite ways to get a date. Let me share one of mine and some fruits.

Troll your favorite night spot thirty minutes before closing. Look for the hottest girl in the place that's crying. Approach and ask if there's anything you can do to help. Use sympathy and understanding. You're going to have to do some listening. Take solace in the fact that there's a thirty minute time limit in effect. If all goes well you'll leave together. It's that simple.

This was exactly the scenario that went down for me last Friday night. Long story short we ended up at her place and I listened to her drone on for another 45 minutes. My neck was cramping up from all the nodding I was doing. She had gotten stood up for what she said was the third time and swore off relationships. I waited patiently and made my move. We ended up in her bedroom and she excused herself to the bathroom.

I knew she'd be at least a few minutes when I heard her brushing her teeth. I took the opportunity to open the drawer in her nightstand. As soon as I saw it I knew she was going be disappointed with me. I mean, do they all run on four D size batteries? It looked like a billy club. Whatever. She came out and we did the deed.

She didn't express disappointment in me. Must have been the superior technique. I finished doggie and she passed out ten minutes later. I had quickly offered her a back rub. She was already face down and I wasn't in the mood to talk anymore. It was the least I could do.....literally. I dressed and left her a note. For some reason we kept in touch.

After a few more times I got tired of it. Frankly all she did was lay there. I'm not complaining.....just saying. Besides, she had severe abandonment issues. Her parents had gotten divorced when she was in grade school. Fifteen years later her ex took their two kids when they were infants. Obviously this was not going anywhere and true to form she dumped me. Considering how easy she was I was glad it didn't end with a dose of antibiotics.

Two weeks before I'd had another interesting encounter. She had me as soon as she said “I'm a yoga instructor.” We went back to my place. I almost cock blocked myself by reading her some poetry. Turns out I completely misread her. She didn't need to be that impressed. I should have known by the fact that she never stopped squirming. She was prepped from the get go. She almost broke my nose drunkenly jumping into my lap. I sneezed a couple of times and shook it off.

Oddly, she made a Zellwegger face at climax. I started calling her Rene but never told her why. As long as our conversations stayed strictly sexual we got along. She looked like Ann Coulter... tall, thin and blonde and with somewhat of a horse face. I liked the fact that she was taller than me. Her second marriage had just ended and had three children. After a while her matronly perfume got to me. A complete turn off. I didn't want her anymore. She whined about it for a while. Now we occasionally drink at our own apartments and Skype. Hopefully she gets the message soon.

I took a chance and went out with her and her group of friends. We did a standard club outing. I managed to duck a gal I'd met there last year. I don't remember her specifics but I'm sure it didn't end well. I was faded and spinning by the time we decided to have breakfast at a local Denny's. The only thing I remember was the manager telling us “this is a family restaurant” shortly after we sat down. I spent the meal trying to maintain and probably didn't say three coherent sentences.

At the risk of boring you I have one last story to tell. I knew she was desperate when she starting showing me naked pictures of herself on her cell. I'd only met her thirty minutes before and bam. She was very comfortable with her spectacular body. It was blinding and all I could think was Jackpot! On top of that she had a sense of humor. She thought it was hilarious that the instructions to her Oxy script said to discard any unused pills. Who ever writes that shit should call SNL.

One morning she was so out of it that she spritzed herself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock. That only endeared her to me. Everything was going fine until we bumped into her father and step mother at the mall. Turns out she was the female look alike version of her father. I saw it immediately. The quintessential butter face. I couldn't get it out of my mind and it lessened her appeal to me. Call me superficial.

I didn't mind her obsession with DWTS. The first few episodes we watched had three of my “Most Spanked To Top 10” as contestants..... Pam Anderson, Erin Andrews, and Brooke Burk. I kept that little fact to myself. I've now reached a stage in that relationship where I'm in love with her when drunk but still afraid of commitment sober. I've seen that concert before and know how the show ends.

That's it for now. Don't think that I'm a misogynist. I love women and treat my mother and sisters well. Let's just say I'm not good at monogamy. Now get out there and work your dating magic. When you're trolling a club don't forget the golden rule. Never interrupt a couple when the woman is crying. Chances are it's me and you're five minutes too late.


Mark Verve lives in Las Vegas, Nevada and writes for relaxation. He trades the stock markets for a living and plays poker for aggravation.