February 07, 2007

Emilio Estevez Is Born

By BTreotch, a short story inspired by Neal Beatty and Ted L. Nancy © 2007

It's a little known fact that Emilio Estevez was born in a women's bathroom while his mom, Janet Sheen, was on a tour of the Hillshire Farm Factory in New London, Wisconsin. Boy do they have tasty meat. Janet Sheen loves to travel. She also had an award winning collection of skinless kangaroo sausages (Blue Ribbon, New Zealand Nut Festival 1961 [Skinless Sausage Division]) and was hoping to collect a collector's item skinless sausage gift tin she heard was being sold at the end of the factory tour. Convinced such a coveted gift tin wouldn't last long, Janet risked her approaching due date and flew into Milwaukee.

Joe Estevez had never been to Milwaukee, but he would later recall with strong affection his fondness of Robin Yaunt.

"That Robin Yaunt has a grand mustache!" Joe would yell at the TV.

Or, "Robin Yaunt is a hass, a certified hass!" Uncle to Janet Sheen's daughter, Renee Estevez, no one ever said if he was Martin's brother, or brother-in-law. Those were Martin's wishes.

Joe Estevez headed north on Highway 41 – they had a two-hour drive ahead of them and the plane had a late start from LaGuardia.

Fighting intense heel pain, Joe made good time in the cool Wisconsin summer and almost managed to forget his left foot. Joe had terrible spells were he felt he just couldn't go on in such pain. It was so bad that he once threatened to slice off his heel and replace it with his elbow. He figured he only needed one elbow. The only phone call Janet ever received from the police was to come pick up Joe from the station. Joe had been arrested – though no charges were filed – for public intoxication, only he hadn't taken drink or drug in 12 days. Police found him yelling and pointing at his heel with tears running down his face. Joe didn't mind the arrest; he was only concerned that his parrot would be fed while he was, "in the clink."

Arriving with only 45 minutes until closing time for the Hillshire Farm factory tour, Janet Sheen asked to be dropped off near the door, hoping Joe would wait in the car so she could get a reprieve from his constant belly aching. The Sara Lee Bakery owns Hillshire Farms, but Janet was somebody who really didn't like Sara Lee's baked goods. She once got into it with a nasty Englishman and went after him with a shrimp fork – luckily, it didn't break the skin (though she did puncture his arm). No one was manning the Hillshire Factory Farm front desk at 4:15 pm. No one knows why either, then again no one ever stopped by for a tour anymore; the elementary schools had already done their tours in early April. Perhaps the gal was simply matriculating.

This missing receptionist only stalled Janet for a bit, but long enough for Joe Estevez to find his way inside. Turing around, Janet noticed a large red arrow below a framed white sign which read, "Welcome to Hillshire Farms, a Sara Lee Bakery Company.” The route of the factory tour is a loop, if one were to measure the length of this loop they would find it equaled this distance of all the apropos tubes (intestinal and what have you) laid out in a straight line from the nostrils to the anus and back, of the entire Sheen/Estevez family. Wrap your head around that, it's quite compounding. Interestingly enough, the gift shop was just on the other side of the wall where the receptionist should be sitting. Had Janet Sheen known this, Emilio Estevez would not have been born in a women's bathroom at the Hillshire Farm Factory.

This factory produces an epic array of food and drink: hot dogs, bread, meat products, coffee, baked goods, pork sausages, frozen and packaged foods, corn dogs, coffee machines and coffee pods. Lesser known are the extensive list of household and body care products: air fresheners, hair care, shower gels, facial toners, washes and masks, shoe polish, washes for men, children's bubble bath, toothpaste, cosmetics, body care, and baby products. Even lesser known was that the new chemical Hillshire Farm R&D were developing to solve the terrible dandruff caused by their "Mighty Man" shampoo would cue such an odd response from Janet Sheen. Wade Duckworth happened to open the door to the R&D lab, wafting the odor into the awaiting nostrils of Janet Sheen. She stumbled and went to her knees, much like William McKinley at the Pan-American Exposition, but without the blood and hullabaloo.

The Maya weren't the first people to discover that female orgasms usually induced a successful birth very quickly (not to mention a happy-ever-after life for the child). They were, however, the first to draw pictures in stone of it. Quivering like any of the young ladies in "Squirting Down the House, Part 5" (take your pick), Janet Sheen was cumming, and she was cumming hard. Joe Estevez was in a pickle, he knew Janet was in the midst of some invisible shrimp tickle. Scooping her into his arms, Joe got an erection and asked where the ladies room was. Janet's water broke the second step inside the bathroom, her third step slipped across the wet spot on the tile floor (making the fourth step her ass landing on said floor). Emilio Estevez's head breeched on the second bounce of Janet's round butt, and on the third climax in 30 seconds. By the time Janet's head laid back Emilio was squirting across the floor, like Janet's vagina was bull's eyeing wamp rats back home. Baby Emilio's head nestled against the high heels of a lady who had been quietly pinching a loaf; she wondered who would call the ambulance.

When Joe, Janet and Baby Emilio made it back to New York, Martin Sheen pulled Joe aside and asked him what they did with the foreskin. Joe shrugged and Martin dropped it, but Joe never complained about his left heel again.

BTreotch is a chemist and artist from Tampa, FL.

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