March 22, 2004

Ten Warning Signs That You Might Be Married To My Ex-Wife

By BG © 2004

A Public Service Announcement...

1 – You find yourself in at least week three of your stand-off on who's going to clean her cats' litter boxes.

2 – You've been sleeping with the woman for at least six months, and you're still unsure of what she looks like naked in a reasonably lit room.

3 – You/re home from your ten hours at the office, she's unshowered, in her pajamas, presumably having occupied the same space on the couch since "waking up" at noon, the house is a disaster, and she asks you what you’re making her for dinner.

4 – The second the topic of capping her unbridled spending is broached, your manhood and ability to provide for your family is assailed with soul-crushing speed and intensity.

5 – The only thing you begin to have in common is a mutual contempt, but unwillingness to be the first to walk away.

6 – The parts of yourself that you dislike the most are open season for constant dissection, even in conversation with family, friends, and in front of strangers.

7 – Your lack of energy after an hour drive to work, ten hours in the office, and an hour drive home becomes her excuse for getting fatter (not just fat, fatter).

8 – Her fuzzy math and lack of logic makes discussing household budget concerns with her pointless. However, when told she can't afford to do something, her excuse becomes supporting you for the two months you were unemployed eight months ago with the job she used to have, even though she’s technically unemployed (er, "self-employed") currently.

9 – She doesn’t find anything the least bit wrong with surreptitiously dating other guys, and even asks you to wait for her to visit one overseas for a month, just to let her come back to you to figure things out in the "marriage" (uh, no thanks).

10 – When a nice old lady in a restaurant tells her she looks like Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, you have to bite your tongue before blurting out, "No, she just looks like she ate Tiffani-Amber Thiessen."

If warning signs persist, please consult your attorney. That is all.

BG is a writer from Michigan who still dreams of one day seeing his ex-wife naked.

No comments: