By Gerald C. Cruz © 2011
Usually the first thing that happens when I tell someone that I drive a cab in Las Vegas is that they ask me to tell them a story.
"What's the craziest thing that's ever happened in your cab dude?" they'll wonder, or some variation thereof. And that's all fine and good as I don't mind indulging a curious mind from time to time. But you know what nobody ever asks me? They never ask what my favorite ride was.
"What's your best ride ever, your all time favorite?"
Well the answer to that question is simple. That would be the one that made me the most money.
I first loaded Ian and Rob at the front door at Bellagio. It was early evening when the two Brits entered my cab and the one gentlemen wearing a nice looking white suit, Ian, asked me, "Say mate what's the best strip club in Las Vegas? We were thinking about going to Crazy Horse Too, is that one any good?"
This question is music to my ears as I'm quite certain dollar signs where flashing in my eyes. Two seconds into the ride and I was already making money. Strip clubs in Las Vegas have been paying cab drivers to bring them business for decades and the Crazy Horse was no exception. In fact their payout at the time was $60 a head, believe it or not, so at this point any attempts by me to talk these guys into anything other than going to the Crazy Horse would take dumb to a new level. In reality, since most clubs pay about the same, whichever club he asked me about would have most likely been my "favorite" club.
"Absolutely," I said, "Crazy Horse has been my favorite club for a while."
"Perfect, take us there will you?"
"Sure thing," I said as we exited the Bellagio driveway onto Las Vegas Blvd. heading north. "You guys staying out of trouble tonight?"
"Fuck no are you kidding? We're looking for trouble. You wouldn't know how to find any would you?"
“I’ve been known to locate some trouble from time to time. What‘d you have in mind?”
“Splendid Mate, absolutely splendid. Well we’re gonna go get our rocks at the booby clubs for a bit and then we were thinking about getting some whores after. You wouldn’t happen to know a good way to go about that now would you?”
“Of course. This is my city my friend.”
“Well how does it work?”
“Well that depends on what you have in mind exactly,” I say, “there’s a few different ways to go about it. Some good, others not so much.”
“So how do you do it when you need some? We’ll probably just do what you do.”
“Well I stopped paying for sex a long time ago my friend, but I’m sure we can work something out for you. Did you want to go incall somewhere or do you want the girls to come to your room?”
“Fuck we don’t know. We talked to a couple of girls last night around the casino bar and it was just rubbish,” Ian said.
“Yeah I’ll bet. Don’t talk to the street walkers man, you’re asking for it. If you wanna do it and do it right you guys need to go to the legal brothels outside of town. It’s perfectly legal and perfectly safe. That’s the best way if you ask me,” I said, failing to mention that the legal brothels pay me a very handsome sum for bringing them business as well.
“I heard about that. Those are really far though aren’t they?”
“Less than an hour we can be there, we can stop and pick up a sixer for the road.”
“No no that won’t do. What else is there?”
“Well let me ask you, do you like Asian girls?”
“I love Asians, how about you Robert, do you like Asian girls?”
“I love hot girls,” the other man said.
“Well there we go,” I said, “I know a place here in town I can take you, beautiful Korean girls, great service, all your hopes and dreams come true.”
“It’s not legal here though is it?” Ian said.
“Well that wasn’t going to stop you last night was it?” I shot back.
“That’s a good point I suppose. Well how do we know we can trust you?”
“You don’t, and you won’t until you try. Understand that it’s in my best interest for you guys to have a good time. This way, every time you come back to Vegas I’ll be your first call. I’d rather do right by you and have a lifelong customer you know? Besides, I seem like I’m alright for a Yankee don’t I?”
“For a Yank he’s not too bad,” Rob said.
“Well there you go,” I said. “Tell you what, you guys go into the strip club and have a good time for a couple of hours, then call me when you’re done and I’ll take you over to that place. We’ll go in and check the girls out and if you don’t like what you see we’ll leave. How’s that sound?”
“And how much are my hopes and dreams costing these days?”
“I haven’t been over there in some time, but I can probably get you in for $300 or so,” I lied.
“$300? That’s cheap compared to what those girls were talking about last night,” Ian said.
“You know me now remember? I’ll give you my card and you just call me when you’re done alright?”
“That sounds good mate, what’s your name?”
“They call me Jerry,” I replied, “and who are you guys?”
“I’m Ian and this is my good fellow Rob,” Ian said.
“Ian and Rob ey? Well you boys have a good time tonight ok?”
Our conversation culminated just as we were pulling into the Crazy Horse Too. I handed Ian my card and reminded them to call me later.
“Fuck on mate why don’t you just come in with us,” Ian said. “Yeah come in with us and have some beers.”
“I don’t think that such a good idea Ian. I’m working,” I said.
“That’s never stopped me before.”
“That’s actually true,” Rob interrupted, “drinking doesn’t stop Ian from doing anything.”
“Thank you Rob for informing us of that,” Ian replied.
“You guys are funny,” I said “why don’t we just settle up for now and you guys go have your fun ok?”
“Very well Jerry. Very well,” Ian said.
I informed the two gentleman of the fare total of just over ten dollars and Ian reached into both of his pant pockets simultaneously. Together he pulled out the largest stacks of cash that I had ever seen. After a quick calculation, it appeared that he had at least 3 large stacks of $100 bills. Three stacks of high society. At least. Very quickly Ian took one of the hundreds and handed it to me and before I could even contemplate putting his change together, he and Rob made a bee line for the front door. “Thanks a lot,” I said to no one in particular. It was obvious they were on something.
I waited for a few minutes, just long enough for Ian and Rob to have had their ID’s checked, pay their cover and actually enter the club. I opened the door to Crazy Horse and the very attractive cashier rightly assumed that I was a cabbie. After I showed her my TA permit she handed me a little slip to sign then laid out a $100 bill a 10 and two 5’s. I signed the slip and grabbed my bounty, not forgetting to pull the ten and slip it into her tip jar. I walked back outside to my cab $220 dollars richer than I was fifteen minutes ago sitting at the Bellagio. I wondered if I would ever hear from them again.
Before I could even get my cab door unlocked, I noticed the front door at the Crazy Horse opened and who walks out is none other than Ian and Rob. Their arms were draped around each other and without even looking in my direction, the same spot where I had just dropped them off minutes ago, they began walking towards the line of cabs waiting to pick up passengers. Are you fucking kidding me I thought? They totally forgot about me.
“YO IAN WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOING?” I yelled in their direction. They turned and Rob said, “oh fuck there he is,” and with that they turned around and began walking back towards my cab. “What are you guys doing?” I asked again as they got closer. “We don’t like this place man is there another strip club that we can try?”
I could have questioned them as to how could they know if it was any good or not, after all they had just walked in a second ago. I could have asked them what it was they didn’t like about it or do something else to expand on the problem in some way shape or form but all of that would be pointless. A long time ago a cabbie mentor of mine said something that I didn’t understand at the time, but which has turned into crucial advice; don’t think for your passengers, that costs extra he used to say. I didn’t understand what he meant at the time but once situations like this started popping up it became clear that my focus should not be on the Crazy Horse Too’s potential woes but rather on my own income. The only thing I needed to focus on at this point is what different strip club is going to pay me the most to bring them this business, and how fast can I get there.
“Absolutely,” was my one word reply. “Get in”
I recommended that we go to Scores and they instantly went for it. I could have had them there is just a few minutes, and collected another $120 just like that. But I was starting to like these guys, so I decided to take a minute and try and help them out.
“Say Ian, we’re friends right? Can I ask you a question?”
“We’re friends for life mate don’t you forget it.”
“Thanks buddy. As your friend I gotta ask you, what in the fuck are you doing going out on the town with that much fucking cash in your pocket? You really think that’s a good idea?”
“Thank you sir,” Robert interjected, “I was trying to tell the idiot this very thing just a bit ago.”
Ian seemed to be more responsive to my inquiry. “What you don’t think that’s a good idea? I made good money in my life and if I want to throw it around I can can’t I?”
“Of course you can, it’s not about that mate. If you were in the casino gambling and in need of the bankroll I wouldn’t fault you for that, but going out to strip clubs and flashing around that kind of cash in there like you did for me is only going to result in problems.”
“I’ve been to Vegas before, it’s safe here isn’t it? What could happen?”
“It’s very safe here,” I said, “ but you flash that kind of cash in that club and it’s not going to be about the girls wanting to give you good service and enjoying their time with you, it’s going to be a feeding frenzy with all of them doing whatever is necessary to separate you from your money. It’s just not the best way to go about things if you want my honest opinion. In all likelihood, nothing bad would happen, but why take the risk if you don’t have to. I know it’s none of my business, but what do you have in your pocket like 30 grand or some shit?”
“I left the room tonight with 40 thousand.”
“Jesus H.” I said. “That’s not necessary to take that much to a strip club, especially with just the two of you. If you weren’t a total jackass you could have just as much fun with 10 as you could with 40. Seriously. But listen man, you do want you want to, of course. I’m just telling you would I would tell my brother.”
“I appreciate that. But what the fuck do we do?”
“I know what to do,” I said. “You’re staying at the Bellagio?”
“That’s right,” Ian said.
“Okay, no problem, here’s what we’ll do, let’s just stop by the Bellagio real quick and you run up to your room and leave some of that in your safe and Rob and I will just wait for you in the cab, then I’ll take you to the other, better, strip club. How’s that sound?”
“I told you this guy was alright for a Yank,” Rob said.
Ian seemed to see the light of day as I laid it out for him and ten minutes later we were back at the Bellagio. I said specifically for Rob to wait with me because there was little doubt that if the two of them ran to the room together that I would never see or hear from them again. I wasn’t about to let that happen. While we waited, Rob tried, rather convincingly, to get me to park the cab and go into the club with them when we got there. It was starting to sound like fun. I wish I wasn’t fucking working right now. A short while later Ian returned and after he got back in the cab he immediately said, “You’re coming in the club with us aren’t you mate?”
“Man you guys are persistent aren’t you?”
“I don’t know Ian I tried telling him too,” Rob said. “Maybe he’s homosexual, are you homosexual Jerry?”
“Well he says he isn’t homosexual Ian so I couldn’t say what the problem is.”
“Alright fuckers,” I interrupted, “I’ll go in the and hang out with you guys alright? I can’t drink though for real.”
“Splendid, what do you like mate, Budweiser?”
“Yeah whatever,” I said knowing any attempts to clear the confusion would have been futile.
When we pulled into the Scores driveway there were quite of few other cars dropping off and I could see a small line, about 15 people, waiting to get in the club. While dropping the two of them off I explained to them that I had to go park the cab and that I would come in and find them when I was done. They didn’t like this very much, thinking I was going to ditch them I believe, but I finally convinced them that I would find them inide. Ian pulled out another hundred and handed it to me as they bolted for the door. “Thanks a lot,” I said to no one in particular.
As I pulled around the driveway I noticed Ian and Rob walk right past the line of people waiting to get in the club and try and enter the club through the exit door. Before Ian could even make an attempt to open the door, one of the bouncers steps in front of him and attempts to show him where the line is. Ian pulls out a hundred and handed it to the guy and the next thing you knew the two of them were being escorted in through the exit door and disappeared into the club. If nothing else it was clear that Ian had done Vegas before. In any other situation, I would have just valet’d my car and went in with them, but I was working and the important thing not to forget is that I have another $120 that I needed to collect before I meet them inside.
I parked my cab but not before I got on my two-way and explained to my dispatcher that I was going to be out of the cab for a while. I think I told them my wife was sick. Shortly thereafter I was autographing another small sheet of paper, throwing $10 into a tip jar again and dumping a new $120 into my pocket. To this point I had only known Ian and Rob for about an hour but I had already netted over $400. At the front door I was able to find the same bouncer that assisted Ian and Rob and after explaining that I was with them he quickly agreed to have me escorted to their table as well. He handed me off to one of the hosts inside and before I knew it we walked straight to the back of the club to the elevator. You know it’s a pimp strip club when there’s an elevator. Once upstairs in the VIP section, we made a left into another room which was big enough to be it’s own strip club. We walked past the DJ booth and there, nestled in a gigantic plush purple booth overlooking the main level, were Ian and Rob. A number of strippers draped alongside of them and a round of empty glasses on the table. They were both ecstatic when I arrived.
The strippers already knew the deal it appeared and it was nothing less than a feeding frenzy. Two of them jockeyed for position on my lap and a half a dozen other girls filled out the booth. The cocktail waitress arrived and Ian promptly ordered a couple of bottles for the table, whatever the girls wanted and made a special note to tell the waitress that I wanted a Budweiser. I don’t know what it was with the Budweiser but I could only reason that Ian had concluded that I’m an American therefore I must drink Budweiser.
“I can’t drink Ian I’m on the clock,” I said.
“Don’t listen to a word he says,” Ian shouted at the waitress, “This is my table and I’m ordering the drinks and my fellow there wishes to have Budweiser, if you refuse to bring him a Budweiser well then I’ll… I’ll. What will I do Rob?”
“Do about what?” Rob said.
“What will I do if the waitress doesn’t bring our fellow here a Budweiser?”
“You’d find another waitress I recon.”
“Yes that’s right! If you refuse to bring our mate a Budweiser you will be fired from this table. No longer will you be witnessing for our table, I‘ll see to it personally.”
“How about I bring him two Budweiser’s?” the waitress shot back, at which the table roared and Ian quickly ran up to the waitress and kissed her on her cheek.
The waitress walked away but not before I stopped her and asked her to bring me a bottled water. In time multiple club staff members filled our table with ice buckets, bottles of vodka and rum, mixers, glasses, and two Budweiser’s and a bottled water for me. The next two hours were a blur. I managed to refrain from drinking any alcohol, even though the waitress continually brought me Budweiser’s at Ian’s request. He also insisted the numerous untouched bottles of Budweiser remained on the table as they brought more. Ian and Rob appeared to be having an incredible time and Ian was gracious enough to buy me dances from whatever girls I wanted. I was very careful with that however. Falling out of their graces was the last thing I wanted to do.
Ian motioned for me to take a seat by him and he finally confirmed my suspicions.
“Say I’ve got some coke do you want some?” Ian asked.
“Uh I think I’m ok mate, I’m working. Thanks though.” I replied.
“Do you think it would be alright if we did some?”
“What, right here? Are you kidding?”
“Yeah why not?”
“What, you just want to line up some rails right here on the table?”
“I was thinking on some tits actually.”
“I love your style Ian, I really do, but that’s not a good idea. I promise you,” I said.
“So what can we do?”
“This is Vegas Ian, there’s always something that can be done, particularly when you have tens of thousands of dollars in your pocket,” I said.
“I don’t think I have that much anymore.”
“Well good thing you didn’t bring in 40 with you because you would have blown through that too. Listen man, there is a way, just go into the bathroom and slip one of those crisp hundreds of yours to the bathroom attendant on the way in and go into a stall and do your thing.”
“You think that will work?”
“I know it, just don’t be in there all night and you should be fine,” I said.
“You’re the greatest mate, and hey one more thing, you see that blond up on the stage there,” Ian said pointing to an incredibly large chested dancer.
“Yeah what about her?”
“Make sure she’s here when we get back would you?” Ian said and threw another hundred at me. “Rob, may I borrow you for a briefing?” Ian said and the two of them hurried off to the men’s room. I stood up and began walking over to the stage to snatch the dancer for Ian. On the way I found a $5 bill and put the $100 Ian gave me in my pocket. There’s no way I was giving this bitch a hundred just for coming over to the table knowing a fiver would do the trick. I walked up to the railing and waited for her to come over to me.
“I don’t have any money for you sweety,” I said, “but I will give you a tip- you seen the three of us sitting at that booth over there?“ She nodded. “When you’re done here you should find my friend in the white suit, there’s a few hundred for you over there at least,” I said and handed her the $5. She responded by grabbing the back of my head and buried my face in her tits.
I’d had my fill for a bit and needed to catch up on a few things, so after the party animals returned safely to the booth I went outside to catch up on a few phone calls. The first call I made was to the house to make sure things were good to go and if the location had changed. Nothing had changed and upon request I informed the madam that we would be charging the gents $400. The actual price to get laid is $150 but the best way for me to get paid is to tell the madam what was to be charged in advance so the girls could be advised and everyone could just act like $400 was the regular price. Whatever amount I sold the customers on above the $150 would be my take. As far as Ian and Rob were concerned, I wouldn’t be making anything off of the transaction and I can keep on being the awesome guy who’s taking care of them. If it came out that I was making considerably more money than the girl and the house combined it’s hard to say how that would be received, but I’d venture most would no longer feel too good about my “generosity”. I did care for the two boys, I wanted them to have a good time and I may have even saved Ian $20,000, but at the same time I’m running a business here and now is the time to maximize profits. Even then, I’m sure I could have gotten $500 out of them no problem.
On my way back into the club I found the same bouncer from before and I asked him to get on his radio and locate Tony T. for me. Tony T. is the VIP Manager for Scores and has been my close friend since grade school. I wanted to say hi as well as let him know that I brought him some business. The bouncer told me that he’d be out soon and after Tony came out, dressed in his usual slick suit, I told him about my night and what was going on.
“Oh you brought those guys in?” Tony asked.
“Yeah, they’re probably 2 grand at the bar already.”
“Say do you have a second to come upstairs and introduce yourself? I’m sure they’d appreciate it, make me look cool in the process?”
“Yeah I’ve got a minute right now let‘s go.”
“Tony, there’s one other thing,” I said grabbing his arm.
“They’re doing blow in your bathroom. I told them what to do but if anything happens tell everybody to be cool and I’ll get um out of here.”
We walked back through the club to the elevator and when we returned to the table the big chested blond seemed to be giving Ian the ride of his life. Tony did his professional bit and threw in some nice words about me and this was perfect because Ian and Rob could go on thinking that I’m the guy that knows everyone.
A short while later I informed the boys that it was about time to wrap things up at the strip club if we wanted to get to the whorehouse before it closed. Of course it wasn’t that as much as 5am my deadline for returning the cab. They didn’t even flinch when I told them it was going to $400 instead of the $300 I mentioned earlier. I probably should have told them 5.
The best underground whorehouse I knew about, and there undoubtedly was some good ones that I didn’t, was a Korean establishment located just south of Chinatown. Simply it’s located in the middle of a neighborhood in a house surrounded by, presumably, law abiding citizens. Parking the cab in the driveway of this place isn’t a good idea for obvious reasons and the best solution is to just park in Chinatown and hike in. Ian and Rob had no complaints about this, as I had yet to steer them wrong. They even promised to keep it down during our trek.
A short while later I rang the doorbell of a brown and white single story 4 bedroom abode and looked up in the area of the hidden security camera. The door crept open with no one standing behind it and the three of us walked in, the door closed behind us revealing the house mom. We exchanged pleasantries and she directed the girls to line up in the living room.
7 or 8 beautiful women emerged. There were about 6 Korean girls, all skinny, young and hot, a couple of which had big fake tits. There was a curvy latino chick and a very hot black girl with big tits. I remember when I first starting hearing about this place, people had said how hot the girls were but I never believed it. When my friend brought me over for the first time to meet the house mom and see the girls my jaw fucking dropped. All this for $150 what the fuck? A girl that looked like these could easily grab $500 for an hour on the strip. I went back later that night and got laid.
Ian and Rob were very impressed with the girls as well which meant a big score for me. Then Ian threw the curveball.
“Which one are you getting?” he asked me.
“Oh man I can’t, $400 is too rich for my blood.”
“Fuck on I wouldn’t do that to you. I’ve brought you this far haven’t I?”
“I suppose you have, yes” I said.
“You’ve brought me this far also Ian,” Rob said.
Ian looked at me. “Are you sure?” I said.
“Yes yes of course,” he said handing me 4 crisp hundred dollar bills like they were disease ridden. “We wouldn’t have made it here without you.”
“Thanks a lot,” I said, “you guys choose first though.”
Choosing is actually not the male dominated fantasy that one might imagine. You’d think that having 8 hot girls in bikinis all lined up ready to suck and fuck you would be emasculating. But in reality most men, myself included, are overly worried about hurting the other seven’s feelings. You’re choosing one, but you’re telling seven others that they‘re gross. That’s the general reaction anyway. But in reality the girls are used to it and are very professional about it. It’s bad for business not to be. Of all the times I’ve been in these places, and the legal brothels too, I have never seen any girl react negatively to not being chosen.
Rob promptly chose the black girl and she walked up and grabbed his dick in his trousers and off they went into a bedroom. Ian chose one of the Korean girls with big tits and as they walked away the girl turned and looked at me. “Sa Bek” I said, 400 in Korean. She nodded in approval and they soon disappeared into a different bedroom. It was my turn to choose but I didn’t right away. Instead I took a seat on the couch in the living room and the remaining girls in the line-up scattered and went back to whatever they were doing before the bell rang. A few minutes passed and in that time both of Ian and Rob’s girls had returned to the kitchen to fork over all but their $100 dollars to the house mom, at which point the house mom called my name from the kitchen and I went to collect my $500. I thought very briefly about pocketing the whole $400 that Ian gave me to get laid and just tell them that I got laid too. But I was really horny by now and the last thing I wanted to do was slight Ian like that, at least, that was what rational I used to convince myself to get laid. I went back to the living room and found the cute Korean girl that I liked and reached my hand out to her. Her eyes lit up and before I knew it this beautiful creature was all over me before we even got to the bedroom.
Once inside I reached in my pocket and handed the girl $150 and then separately another $50. “Tip for you.” I said. “Thank you so much,” she said with great surprise. Tipping they say, is to insure proper service, and nowhere is that idea more true than in a brothel.
We stood alongside the bed and this super hot Korean girl rubbed her body all over mine as she slowly took off my clothes. By the time she got my underwear off, I was standing at attention. “Ooh a healthy boy,” she giggled. What can I say, I had one of those- just been in the strip club for 4 hours boners.
She instructed me to lay face down on the bed, which isn’t the easiest or most comfortable thing to try with a raging hard on but I managed. I made attempts at cock pushups while she gentle massaged my entire backside with a combination of her hands and her boobs. It felt amazing. 15 minutes later she turned me over and wasted no time in rolling a rubber over my dick and throwing her mouth on it. Yes indeed this girl was a pro and I didn’t want it to stop, but I was in for a half-n-half. “Doggy?” I said tapping the top of her head. She quickly bounced up and before I knew it she was on all fours on the bed ass in the air, begging me to take her. Hopes and dreams.
Naturally, I didn’t last nearly as long as I should have but it was a damn good time. She left the room for a moment and I laid down and relaxed on the bed. What a night. My girl returned with a few hot towels and proceeded to give me a thorough cleaning before standing me up and helping me put my clothes back on, making sure to give my dick a peck before tucking him into my underwear. By the time my clothes were back on I was hard again. “You want again?” she said. What’d I tell you? Unfortunately after looking at the time I was shocked to see that I was already an hour late getting the cab back to the yard. I knew the day driver was going to be pissed but there is a way to take care of that. I gave my girl another $20 and she gave me a big hug and kiss before leading me back out to the living room.
Ian and Rob were both sitting on the couch when I returned both jeering at my accomplishment. “What now?” Ian asked. “Now we call it a night. I take you home and I have to return the cab,” I replied. “Let’s do this again tomorrow shall we?” Ian said. “Fuck yeah man you guys are like my favorite customers ever. Thanks so much for showing me such a good time tonight.”
The three of us walked back out of the neighborhood to the parked cab in Chinatown and ten minutes later we were back at the Bellagio. The two shared the stories of their conquests along the way. Once we arrived I was strangely relieved when Ian didn’t attempt to give me any more money. He had done enough. Ian and Rob skipped away into the casino but not before promising to call me the next night for round two. I couldn’t wait. After dropping them off I raced to the pumps to gas up and then back to the yard where I found the day driver extremely pissed that I was well over an hour late with his cab. He had no more issues after I offered my apologies and handed him $50 for his lost time. I walked into the now empty drivers room and emptied my pockets to tally my take from my greatest cabbie adventure ever.
In the end Ian and Rob’s generosity netted me lap dances, all the alcohol I couldn’t drink, a hot piece of ass, over a thousand dollars in my pocket and one hell of a good time. A dream vacation from the normal grind and bustle. However, it was destined to be a single night for the ages. I was not surprised the following evening when I never heard from them, or for that matter, since. Maybe they got too coked up and lost my card. Maybe Ian lost all of his money at the tables. Maybe they just forgot. We’ll never know. But none of that bothers me because they owe me nothing and anytime somebody asks me what my all time favorite ride is... "that's easy" I"d say. I would even have to think about it.
Gerald C. Cruz is a veteran cab driver and independent journalist from Las Vegas, NV.