By May B. Yesno © 2011
Certain things remain a staple in human life. Other things seem to be weeded out. One of the things weeded out and frowned upon in society are bad table manners. In my mixed world of mundane and magical the least desirable things may be dealt with – if the law’s governing man and magic are known and applied, correctly.
The Kingdom of Drew encompasses the entire of the peninsula of Drew. Drew as a kingdom is ruled by the Waxburn’s. The Waxburn’s came to power following the Kingdom War which ravaged the Southern Continent of Appleburn some five hundred years prior to the events of which I speak.
The occasion was a State Dinner given by the then current Ruler of Drew, one Rexis Rexis Drew. The King was an imposing man, both in physical being and of the mind, towering over other men. The Dinner was being held in honor of the Ambassador from South of Sour, and the signing of the Treaty allowing Drew access to the ports of Sour for trade and “mutual defense.”
As Principal Mage of the Kingdom, I was accorded a place at the tables and was seated just to the left of the Court Mage of the Ambassador from South of Sour. I found the visiting Mage an engaging woman and that impression lasted into the meal, when the third course arrived however, that impression was dealt a blow of reality. The incident, when it occurred, was ill timed, coming as it did immediately during a pause in the serious conversation between the principals at the tables head.
The visiting Mage expelled bodily gases; both as a Belch and as a Fart. Seemingly not content with one of each, the visiting Mage repeated, in rapid succession, three more of each.
Due to the positioning of the royal tables, the noises escaping the unfortunate Mage were reflected from the wall immediately behind her into the cavernous room, then across, there to echo back and forth ceiling to floor, wall to wall. The volume of her original utterances was such that the muted conversations of the minions seated on the floor of the hall ceased almost immediately and thereby allowing all of the two hundred assembled to follow the near musical confrontation of the Bass-like, prolong and drawn out, Belch and the slightly higher pitched Fart, as they played out their fanfare and slowly died away. The absolute silence by the floor tables during the performance was astonishing to me, I being used to the under tones of muted table conversations from that area.
My King slowly turned his attention from the Ambassador to face in my direction and once found, fixed me with a “look,” and equally as slowly raised an eyebrow. I have often wished I knew how he did that eyebrow trick. I’ve practiced it for hours but have failed the effect. I’ve attempted my arcane arts to it, and still I’ve failed. I’ve concluded it is a thing native and exclusive to the King as I’ve never seen anyone other than he successfully employ it.
His point, however, was well taken, as such a breech of protocol and good manners would, indeed, fall directly upon the Mage to cure or eliminate. Without thinking much of the effort, I wiggled my fingers and cast shield around the visiting Mage, the affect immediately terminated the beginnings of the fifth such rendition of sound, sealing the Mage from the general population, not however, from view. She remained red faced in full view of all, performing as she started, with persistence and volume. Or so one must surmise, as her body twitches would led one to believe, my shield erection having prevented the sounds and odors escaping to bother her neighbors – or the room at large.
There are certain properties of magic; certain laws which pertain to its use and by erecting the barrier around the Mage I’d violated, seriously dented if not violated them. By placing the barrier about the Mage, another magic user, I placed her within a container only I could undo. There was no means by which she could escape the confinement and there was no way now to rid the dinning area of the offensive odors or noised which would be the result of my opening the shield wall. That I could not do under the gaze and expectations of my King.
I hastily informed the Table Matron that the physical removal of the Mage would be necessary and she, the Table Matron, turned her attention to the various guard corporals in attendance, assembling a squad to carry the Mage away, she being of ample proportions.
The time element, while short, did allow me leisure to observe, with some fascination I must admit, the effect of her escaping gases, in concentration, upon her physical remnants. I was not sure, at first blush (please excuse the pun), what I was observing. However, watching a bit longer it was obvious that the garments the Mage was wearing were, indeed, turning green. Quickly; turning green, from pale green, deepening to a Hunter Green and finally began to deteriorate and fall from her body.
Simultaneously her hair, that crowning glory she so obviously prided herself upon performed in like manner. The exception here being the hair, as it fell in response to gravity, dissipated and vanished from sight before completing the journey to the floor.
As the unfortunate lady lost the last remain stitch of clothing and hair, it could be seen the person within my shield was not in reality, a female. She was an it. That is to say, the person within was a eunuch. Though such determination was troubled by the excess of flesh the body was wearing.
When the fact became obviously visible, the Ambassador of South of Sour raised his voice in alarm, proclaiming the captive Mage no person of his acquaintance or citizen of his country.
I looked to my King, in light of this information, and my King grinned. “You have, Principal Mage;” he said, “a problem, as I do not recognize this person as a citizen of this realm either, and wish, errs, him removed.”
The corporal having arrived with his detail, I directed him to take the visiting Mage to an isolated area some miles removed from the Keep. The area selected was hilly and cut with ravines, being used mainly by Shepherds. When my party arrived in the area I selected the crest of a hill and told the corporal to take the wagon and detail back to the keep.
Once they had gone, I addressed the visiting Mage: “You know do you not, what is going to happen when I release the shield?”
I received a nod of acknowledgment from the visiting Mage indicating his understanding. I then retired a large number of yards up wind of that location and released the spell binding the shield. I was later informed that two mules of the slow moving corporal’s detail died of falling rock and a fair number of sheep tended by Keep personnel died in the resulting explosion and gas releases which leveled the hill top.
I was pleased to inform the King, at a somewhat later date that an area some acres in extent had been created and was usable for parade ground or practicing maneuvers. He smiled his smile and informed me he knew.
He had, he said, caused the area to be known as Magely Green.
And thus it is to this day.
May B. Yesno is a writer from Fresno, CA.