Flying Shotgun

By Matt Roberston © 2006

Every Friday night I stay up late partying at the bar, or donking off money online. This makes me sleep late on Saturday. I spend the day doing the typical Saturday things (sitting on the couch in my underpants eating Doritos) and then go out on Saturday night till the wee hours of the morning. Sunday arrives and I'm not getting to bed until the afternoon. Consequently, my body's sleep schedule is shot to hell, I don't get to sleep till late, and I can't get out of bed in time for work Monday morning.

I roll out of bed about five minutes before I am supposed to be at work, throw on some clothes and head to the office. My eyes aren't even fully open yet, as I back out of my driveway. So now I'm just cruising down the road on my way to work. Gas is pretty expensive lately, so I've got my window down instead of running the air conditioner. I turn onto the main street and I start thinking about getting a cup of coffee once I get to work. The classic rock station I'm listening to is playing Boston and the warm morning air feels good coming in from the open windows. I sigh as I see that I am already late for work.

I never saw it coming. I don't even understand how it happened, but all of a sudden something hits me in the face.

A bird has flown into my car through my driver's side window. Its wing slapped me in the face as it entered the car. Its body is caught by the seat belt strap that I am wearing. This has left the bird screeching and flapping right around my left ear. I begin screaming and this seems to agitate the bird who in turn begins flapping harder, slapping the side of my face, and screeching louder. I am swerving all over the road at this point. Luckily it is just past 8 o'clock and most of the morning rush hour is already off the road around here.

Suddenly there is a loud honking and I manage to divert my attention from the bird attacking my head to the large yellow school bus that I am barreling towards on the wrong side of the road. I the bus with a good seven inches to spare. As I pass I can hear the screams of the children on the bus. The bird begins to crap all over my shoulder while continuing to screech and slapping me in the face, and I continue to scream like a little girl.

The bird breaks free and tries to escape by flying out my rear window.

I stop screaming and began swearing. I'm still trying to figure what just happened when the bird flies back up to the front of the car and tries to go out the windshield.

The bird is now is fluttering around the dashboard right in front of me. For a brief moment, we lock eyes... It's if in that one moment the bird and I can communicate. I look right into its black eyes and the bird and I have an singular understanding between us. This bird is going to kill me. It stands up on the dashboard, flaps its wings at me and screeches the loudest yet. Of course, that makes me scream as well. It again flies to the back of the car and goes down in the cargo area of my Jeep. I manage to pull over on a side street and I roll down all my windows. I get out of the car and open up the back gate of the Jeep. The bird from hell comes out like someone shot it out of a cannon.

I watch as it flies away and try to wrap my head around what just happened. My shirt and the inside of my car are both covered in bird shit. I was almost in a head on crash with a school bus, and I just got my assed kicked by a tiny bird.

This beat up grey Honda that was behind me has pulled in on the side street also. It is some 16-year old pothead laughing his ass off. He tells me he saw the bird fly in and what happened. He asks me if I am OK. I said, "I think so," and he replies, "Dude, I just wanted you to know that was the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life."

Matt Robertson is 25 year old computer tech and amateur poker player living in Tulsa, OK. He is a lot like Jesus except he's fat.