Practicing Virgin

By grubby © 2005

Cast of Characters

Stan: 16 years old, in underwear
Mandie: 15 years old, in underwear
Frank: Mechanic guy with oil stains
Joe: Big burly jock cliche
Vince: Scrawny stoner type
Edwina: Skinny goth chick, in black
Darla: Late 30s

Setting: Stan's bedroom. A bed takes up the entire stage.

Time: The present.

(At Rise: Snickering from under the covers. On
the corner of the bed sits Frank, who munches on
popcorn while eyeing the moving lump. His other
hand's down his pants.)

(Muffled voices beneath. Pieces of clothing are
pitched from under the blankets.)

MANDIE
Oh!

STAN
Oh!

MANDIE
Is it...

STAN
Almost...

MANDIE
It's so cute, like a Tootsie Roll!

STAN
You're not helping.

MANDIE
Twist it around.

STAN
What do you think I'm doing, push-ups?

MANDIE
Come on!

STAN
Ow, don't rush.

MANDIE
Oh, that's it. Yeah! Do it to me like my Uncle Bob!

STAN
I gotta, I gotta...

(Stan's head pops out.)

STAN (Continued)
I gotta get some air! Whew!

(Stan and Mandie emerge from the covers. Stan
spots Frank.)

FRANK
Could you hurry it up, I'm late for my shift.

STAN
What the -- who are you?

(Mandie finger-combs her hair, checks her breath,
sniffs her armpits.)

MANDIE
Hey, Frank.

STAN
Frank? Who's Frank?

(Frank raises a hand -- the hand from his pants.)

MANDIE
Ignore him.

FRANK
This microwave crap all you got? Where's the salt?

MANDIE
(re: Stan) It's not... coming.

STAN
I know him! He cheated off me in biology!

MANDIE
He made up for it after school.

STAN
What's he doing here?

MANDIE
Observing.

STAN
I don't recall a Frank on the guest list.

MANDIE
Don't be obtuse. He's learning.

STAN
Learning? Learning what? Breaking and entering?

MANDIE
Remember health class?

FRANK
I remember, baby.

STAN
I thought you were observing.

MANDIE
In health class, Mr. Cox said when you sleep with someone, you sleep with everyone he or she has ever slept with.

STAN
So?

(Mandie motions to Frank. He grins, gives Stan
the double thumbs-up.)

STAN (Continued)
Oh God.

MANDIE
He's harmless.

FRANK
Not anymore, I been practicing.

MANDIE
You tested negative, right, Frank?

FRANK
Yep.

STAN
You sure?

FRANK
Positive.

STAN
Oh God.
(to Mandie)
I thought you were...

MANDIE
What?

STAN
I thought you were, you know...

(Stan whispers in her ear.)

(Mandie's expression freezes, then bursts out into
laughter. Nonstop.)


STAN (Continued)
That's nice.

FRANK
Is she all right?

STAN
Nothing more to see here.

FRANK
Last time she laughed that hard was like five minutes ago.

MANDIE
(composing herself) You actually thought I was a... I wish! If I had a nickel for every time...

FRANK
I got change!

STAN
I can't believe you slept with this, this neanderthal.

FRANK
We didn't sleep none. Woo-hoo!

MANDIE
Summer camp. I was rebelling.

STAN
Rebelling against what? Darwinism?

FRANK
'Member the stain, Mandie?

MANDIE
I still have nightmares about the stain!

(Mandie and Frank laugh and high-five.)

STAN
I'm gonna be sick.

MANDIE
Don't go freaky, Stan. It was ninth grade, we all did dumb things when we were younger.

STAN
Let me get this straight. If I have sex --


MANDIE
Make love...

STAN
If I make love to you, I'm having sex with Frank?

FRANK
The stain!

MANDIE
That's how it works.

STAN
(aside) My first time and I'm already in a threesome.

MANDIE
Well...

(Three heads pop out from beneath the covers.)

MANDIE (Continued)
Joe, Vince, Edwina... meet Stan.

JOE
Dude.

VINCE
Stan the man.

EDWINA
God is dead.

STAN
Edwina? From geometry?

MANDIE
My experimental phase.

EDWINA
Really? That's so sweet.

STAN
Experimental? What's next, the german shepherd from next door?

(Offstage, a dog barks.)

MANDIE
Where's Uncle Bob?

VINCE
Intervention with his third ex-wife.

STAN
Anyone else? Just so I know who to thank in my commencement speech.

(Everyone sneaks a look at the audience.)

STAN (Continued)
(points at audience members)
Him? And him? That's not even his real hair!
(to audience)
I hope you enjoyed yourself! I hope you all enjoyed yourselves!

FRANK
That guy did, he's still smiling.

VINCE
(to audience member) I'll see you after the show.

STAN
My girlfriend's nailing the entire tenth grade.

JOE
I think she already did.

MANDIE
You're being obtuse again.

STAN
I failed geometry, Mandie, I don't even know what obtuse means.

EDWINA
A three-sided polygon with an angle greater than 90 but less than 180 degrees.

STAN
Thanks.

MANDIE
Oh, Edwina, I miss that obtuse angle.

STAN
(absorbs this) I don't know if I feel comfortable with this.

MANDIE
Is that why you can't --


STAN
No, that's something else... that's... Mr. Happy's just a little sleepy, that's all. But I thought tonight... tonight was alone time with you. I... I'm not that experienced, and, well, I don't know if I can deal with... with...

MANDIE
Aw, Stan, all these people. Ninth grade was the past.

STAN
Ninth grade was last week!

MANDIE
I'm with you now, honey, that's all that matters. You see me getting upset over the girls you've been with?

STAN
That's because I haven't...

MANDIE
Yes?

STAN
I mean, I haven't exactly...

MANDIE
Look at you being coy, not kissing and telling. I admire that.

STAN
No, no, I swear. I'm not... I mean I am...

MANDIE
Then who's that in the corner?

VINCE
You boffed that old bag?

(Darla enters from the doorway.)

STAN
Mom?

DARLA
Smile!

(Darla snaps a Polaroid of everyone in bed.)

STAN
Mom, you're supposed to be at the movies with Dad!

(Darla hands the camera to Joe.)

DARLA
How could I miss my wittle baby's first time? Is that clean underwear?

MANDIE
First time? Then it's true? He's a... a...

EVERYONE
Virgin!

DARLA
Of course it's true. The only time my Stan's been touched down there is when I check him every night for ringworm. Isn't that right, snook'ums?

STAN
Get away! Get off me!

MANDIE
Ew, disgusting, I've never had a real live virgin before.

VINCE
Is it contagious?

STAN
There're still some of us left.

FRANK
Where?

DARLA
Look what I brought -- surprise!

(Darla hands Stan a box with a big red ribbon.)

DARLA (Continued)
Happy birthday, hon.

STAN
My birthday was last month.

DARLA
That's why they call it a surprise. Open it.

FRANK
Dude, your mom's a major piece of ass.

VINCE
Is she a virgin, too?

(Stan works on opening the box.)

DARLA
It was on sale at Price Club. It was returned.

(Stan holds up the tiniest condom you've ever
seen. The ribbon is bigger.)

DARLA (Continued)
Is it the wrong size?
(gesturing with a pinkie to the group)
He takes after his father's side.

STAN
No no, I... think this'll be fine. Just fine. I can't hardly wait to try it on.

EDWINA
That's a double-negative.

DARLA
It's polyurethane.
(to everyone)
He's allergic to latex. Always has been. When the doctor slapped his fanny with a glove, he broke out in the worst hives you ever --

STAN
Okay now.

MANDIE
Have you met Frank?

DARLA
No, but I'm charmed.

FRANK
Likewise. Popcorn?

DARLA
Don't mind if I do.

FRANK
Needs salt.

(Darla removes her shoes and dives into the bed.)

STAN
All right.


DARLA
You fine with that, Stan? It's okay to be minuscule, right, fellas?

FRANK
'Course it is.

JOE
Uh-huh.

VINCE
Sure.

MANDIE AND EDWINA
No comment.

DARLA
It won't slip off that way. Remember the first time you masturbated? And your wet dream about Hitler?

STAN
That's enough.

(Joe studies the photo.)

JOE
Dude, I look fat. I look fat to you?

MANDIE
That's muscle.

STAN
Listen.

VINCE
The camera adds ten pounds.

EDWINA
Actually, that's nothing but a myth. What people are seeing is a reverse of their image, which contributes to their confusion that --

JOE
Is that muscle or fat?

MANDIE
It might be the O'Doul's talking, Joe, but I don't think you're fat at all.

(Joe and Mandie begin making out.)


DARLA
I'll show you some photographs of Stan. If you think he's small now...

STAN
All right, all right, enough! God, Mom.

FRANK
Have some respect for your mother.

VINCE
Quiet everyone, the virgin's trying to speak.

DARLA
First time for everything.

STAN
People. All I wanted was a nice quiet evening at home with my girlfriend Sandie.

MANDIE
Mandie.

STAN
Whatever.

MANDIE
(back to kissing Joe) I'm so glad you're not a virgin.

JOE
(still kissing) You taste like peppermint.

DARLA
(to Frank) See what I have to put up with? He was the last one to be potty trained.

FRANK
Kids these days.

VINCE
(to Edwina) Is being a virgin like being on your period?

STAN
That's right, I'm a virgin. I'm not having sex till marriage. Not by choice, but because you're driving me insane. I may become a monk or a nun or a Jehovah's Witness and then I won't have to have sex with any of you people ever again!

VINCE
Sure is sensitive.

EDWINA
They're all like that.

STAN
Get out! Get out of my bed, get out of my life, get out of my pajamas! All of you!

DARLA
But I'm your mother.

STAN
Out!

FRANK
Looks like someone's not getting any tonight.

VINCE
(to Edwina) So what're you doing later?

EDWINA
Either practicing my veganism or sacrificing baby kittens. I'm conflicted.

VINCE
Cool, can I join you?

DARLA
(to Frank) How about lunch?

FRANK
(picking up the condom) How about a lube job?

(Everyone exits:
Vince and Edwina holding hands...
Darla and Frank embracing...
Mandie and Joe still kissing.)

(Stan sits on the bed and sighs.)

(He grabs a magazine, flips to the centerfold.)

STAN
Okay, Miss September.

(He burrows under the sheets.)

STAN (Continued)
One more time, just you and me.
END OF PLAY

Grubby is a writer from Las Vegas, NV.