I'll Do Anyone

By Joe Speaker © 2005

My roommate Barry is something of a slut, as evidenced by his recent proclamation:

"I've had sex with over 50 women. Some of them were even good-looking."

We had a laugh about that, mostly because it's true. He's brought some real pigs into the house, like the black chick from a couple months back who was rather...uh...toned. She had huge, muscular tree trunks for legs and we immediately nicknamed her "Newhouse," after the former Cowboys running back well-known for his massive thighs. To let you know how things have been going around here lately, I asked if she had any single friends.

Barry is out tonight on another in a consistent line of blind dates, culled mostly from the personal ads in our local alternative weekly. I tried that route myself, but I don't seem to have an adequate phone/voicemail rap. Barry's must be sensational. This is his third blind date this week.

He came home earlier than I figured, which is usually bad news.

"No luck, huh?" I asked.

"She looked a bit mannish," he confirmed. "Too tall and she had a rough case of acne."

"But a nice personality, I'm sure."

"Oh God. I tell you Ned, you have never met a more annoying broad in your whole life. One of those high-pitched giggles that makes you want to thrust your head through the nearest window. And about as bright as swamp grass."

"Sorry, buddy. I know you were lookin' for some action tonight."

"Oh, I fucked her," he replied.

Joe Speaker is a writer from Southern California.