Cast of Characters
Misha: purebred, younger female
Radley: mixed breed, older male
Human: wealthy WASP, female
TV Dog: privileged purebred puppy, female
Setting
A pet store at a mall.
Time
The present.
Note: Misha and Radley may also play to a nonexistent Human and TV Dog. (At Rise: Misha and Radley sit in two connecting crates along the wall.)
(Radley holds a chew toy. Misha's snoring.)
(A bell jingles, and a rich female human enters the store.)
RADLEY
Psst. Misha.
(Misha's paws twitch. Radley runs in circles, squeezing and squeaking the chew toy at Misha.)
RADLEY (Continued)
Wake up, Misha, wake up.
MISHA
You lookin' at me? You want a piece o' me, Mr. Posty Man?
(The human looks in Misha and Radley's direction, then continues her dog browsing.)
RADLEY
Incoming, two o'clock!
MISHA
(bolts upright)
Where, where? Pee-you, what's that smell?
RADLEY
Science Diet doesn't agree with me.
MISHA
No, no, it's more like... it is! The smell of m-u-n-n-y: money.
(Misha and Radley's noses twitch. They size up the human.)
RADLEY
Mmm-boy. Pure heaven.
MISHA
Stinky.
RADLEY
Neutrogena wrinkle cream, Downey fabric softener, suntan lotion SPF 15.
MISHA
I'm gonna barf.
RADLEY
One 16-ounce bag of M&Ms -- peanut -- in her purse, Biolage conditioner for oily hair, last had sex four... no, five days ago. With her right hand.
MISHA
Trying to hide it. Shower with perfume much, hon?
RADLEY
Nice legs, too.
MISHA
Yo, check out the pedicure. Not the kinda gams that scream let's toss the ball and play fetch.
RADLEY
Like you can walk more than half a block without losing your breath.
MISHA
I pant a lot. I'm a purebred.
RADLEY
I may be a mix, Miss Pant-a-lot, but that only makes me more attractive and unique looking.
MISHA
Keep paying your therapist to tell you that. People can spell "terrier."
RADLEY
"Lhasa apso/shih tzu/chihuahua" is so hard.
MISHA
Radley, she's looking this way!
(Misha and Radley go instant smiles, posing like Calvin Klein Obsession models.)
MISHA (Continued)
(singsong, corner of her mouth)
You're drooling.
RADLEY
(singsong, corner of his mouth)
You're in heat.
MISHA
(singsong, corner of her mouth)
Your dick is showing.
(The human shifts her attention to the doggie in the window. Misha and Radley return to normal.)
RADLEY
Forget it, she's on to the display case. Who's the pooch? She's so cute I want to bite off her head and stuff it down her neck.
MISHA
New kid from last week. Just back from the groomers.
RADLEY
Hardly recognized her.
MISHA
She got the whole makeover. Shampoo, flea dip, high colonic irrigation.
RADLEY
She does look like she lost weight.
MISHA
If she looks at her ass, she'll find it.
RADLEY
Mee-ow.
(Misha points.)
RADLEY (Continued)
(squints)
Whoah, you're right. It was hiding in the corner. How could I miss it? It's like her little ass is draped over her big ass.
MISHA
If she laid down, she'd roll over.
RADLEY
J.Lo laughs at that ass.
MISHA
(to TV dog)
White fur sure ain't becoming on you, sweetness.
RADLEY
Oh! Oh! If they said, "Get your ass off the sofa," she'd have to make two trips.
(Misha and Radley high-five through the bars.)
MISHA
Hey, Radley?
RADLEY
Yeah, Meesh?
MISHA
Do you wanna, I dunno, do you wanna make a pact? Like wherever one goes, the other goes. Wherever the other goes, one goes.
RADLEY
What if someone goes somewhere or neither goes nowhere?
MISHA
You lost me.
RADLEY
Exactly.
MISHA
Yeah, never mind, bad idea.
RADLEY
'Sides, we can't go making promises we can't keep.
MISHA
I said, all right. I get it.
RADLEY
Me, f'rinstance. I'm my own mutt, I play by my own rules. I'm a canine Jack Kerouac.
MISHA
Okay...
RADLEY
No offense, now.
MISHA
None taken.
RADLEY
Nothing personal.
MISHA
Are you finished?
RADLEY
(Humphrey Bogart impression)
And you... you're part of this shopping mall, you make it work. If that woman leaves this pet store and you're not with her, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But soon and for the rest of your nine lives.
MISHA
Nine lives? Have you been sneaking catnip again?
RADLEY
You get my drift.
MISHA
Yeah, yeah. I just... I don't know, I'm so tired of being stuck here, you know? I want a dish with my name on it. I want my own backyard. I want... I want a real family.
RADLEY
You're better off without me anyway, Meesh. You got the looks, the charm; I'd just get in the way.
MISHA
That's not true at all.
RADLEY
I'm the runt of my litter. I'm from the pound, I don't even have a license. My price keeps dropping.
MISHA
I'll pay for both of us. A two-for-one deal.
(The human picks up the TV dog, rubs noses.)
RADLEY
It's all moot anyway. Groomer dog's still holding the attention. Youth is so wasted on puppies. Bet she still doesn't know how to play dead.
MISHA
Want to know what's worse? I hear she's a celebrity. Had a threesome with the "Frasier" dog and Joan Rivers' dog.
RADLEY
Swear?
MISHA
Right on the QVC couch. Balls to the wind. Doggie style.
RADLEY
Dang, then we really got no chance against a TV dog.
(As the human pets the TV dog, her huge diamond ring sparkles.)
MISHA
Dude, take a gander at the rock on her finger.
RADLEY
Whooo-eee, dog. I'd be in the laps of luxury. Servants at my beck and call. Silver collar. Alpo every day.
MISHA
No, dear, you'd be outdoor. For show. 'Cause if you were indoor, you'd stink and mess up the Persian rugs. Once a day the kids would come out and ride your back. They'd tug and spit on your fur and get it all matted, then the vet would shave everything but your head and tail.
RADLEY
(crosses legs)
Everything?
MISHA
Everything times seven.
RADLEY
That wouldn't be... so... bad.
MISHA
'Member Mr. and Mrs. Worthington the third? Been there, done that, got the scar to prove it.
RADLEY
You got that scar from humping a cheese grater.
MISHA
It was left out. I couldn't resist.
RADLEY
I think they spayed and neutered your brain, woman. Girls aren't supposed to hump.
MISHA
At least they didn't snip something of mine and feed it to the cat.
RADLEY
Bitch.
MISHA
Thanks.
(The human puts down the TV dog, pats it on the rump.)
MISHA (Continued)
Hey, Radley?
RADLEY
Yeah, Meesh?
MISHA
Do you think I have a big butt?
RADLEY
Uh. No comment.
MISHA
What? Come on, tell me. Please please please please. If you were a strange dog, would you sniff it?
RADLEY
I'll take the fifth on that.
MISHA
The fifth on what?
RADLEY
I'm not getting into it. I like my life.
MISHA
You think I'm fat, don't you?
RADLEY
I didn't say nothing.
MISHA
You don't have to say nothing, because I hear it loud and clear, and you said plenty. If you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all.
RADLEY
What'd I say?
MISHA
Precisely.
RADLEY
Purebreds.
MISHA
What's that?
RADLEY
Nothing.
MISHA
There you go again.
RADLEY
I can't talk to you when you're like this. All that incestual breeding rattling around in your head. Are you on the rag?
MISHA
I-have-been-fixed! How dare you. Do I mention your microscopic neuter surgery?
RADLEY
All the time! You just did!
MISHA
Talk to the paw. I'm done with you.
RADLEY
Good.
MISHA
Good.
RADLEY
Fine.
MISHA
I think it's good you don't want a pact. I think maybe it's time we spent some time apart. I think maybe -- omigod, she's coming!
(The human approaches Misha and Radley. Both go wide-eyed and follow her movements.)
(The human reaches toward Radley's crate. Radley sticks out his tongue at Misha.)
(But then, the human moves on to Misha's crate and opens the door. The human attaches a leash to her.)
MISHA (Continued)
It's the silver collar! Radley, it's the silver collar, what we always dreamed about. You come too. I'll put in a word. There's gotta be room for one more.
RADLEY
Stop it.
MISHA
C'mon, Radley. We're a pair, we go together. We have a pact. I'll tell them --
RADLEY
No.
MISHA
Well... well... I'll give you a buzz when I get settled.
RADLEY
No phone number.
MISHA
Then I'll write you.
RADLEY
No opposable thumbs.
MISHA
Then, then...
(Through the bars, Misha tries to hug Radley. Radley backs away.)
MISHA (Continued)
Radley...
RADLEY
Have a great life.
MISHA
Don't be like this. I'll say we're family, I'll say we can't break up the litter. I'll say --
RADLEY
(growls)
Dammit, Misha, just go!
(Misha stops, stunned.)
RADLEY (Continued)
Did you hear me? I said, get your fat, smelly ass out of my sight and go! I don't ever want to see you again!
(Misha whimpers, walks away with the human. Both exit.)
(Radley squeezes the chew toy. It squeaks. He gently slides the toy into Misha's crate.)
RADLEY (Continued)
Here's looking at you, kid.
(Radley curls into a ball.)
(Suddenly, offstage, a LOUD BARK.)
HUMAN (Offstage)
OW! SON OF A --!
(Misha comes running out, the leash trailing behind. She enters her crate, closes the door.)
MISHA
You see that?
RADLEY
Thinks she's too good for us.
MISHA
Wouldn't know quality if she stepped in it.
RADLEY
High maintenance princess.
MISHA
Better off with a poodle.
RADLEY
Or a tree frog.
MISHA
I'm telling you. She doesn't have a clue what family's all about. Not a clue.
(Misha removes her silver collar, gives it to Radley to put on. They both smile.)
(Radley holds a chew toy. Misha's snoring.)
(A bell jingles, and a rich female human enters the store.)
RADLEY
Psst. Misha.
(Misha's paws twitch. Radley runs in circles, squeezing and squeaking the chew toy at Misha.)
RADLEY (Continued)
Wake up, Misha, wake up.
MISHA
You lookin' at me? You want a piece o' me, Mr. Posty Man?
(The human looks in Misha and Radley's direction, then continues her dog browsing.)
RADLEY
Incoming, two o'clock!
MISHA
(bolts upright)
Where, where? Pee-you, what's that smell?
RADLEY
Science Diet doesn't agree with me.
MISHA
No, no, it's more like... it is! The smell of m-u-n-n-y: money.
(Misha and Radley's noses twitch. They size up the human.)
RADLEY
Mmm-boy. Pure heaven.
MISHA
Stinky.
RADLEY
Neutrogena wrinkle cream, Downey fabric softener, suntan lotion SPF 15.
MISHA
I'm gonna barf.
RADLEY
One 16-ounce bag of M&Ms -- peanut -- in her purse, Biolage conditioner for oily hair, last had sex four... no, five days ago. With her right hand.
MISHA
Trying to hide it. Shower with perfume much, hon?
RADLEY
Nice legs, too.
MISHA
Yo, check out the pedicure. Not the kinda gams that scream let's toss the ball and play fetch.
RADLEY
Like you can walk more than half a block without losing your breath.
MISHA
I pant a lot. I'm a purebred.
RADLEY
I may be a mix, Miss Pant-a-lot, but that only makes me more attractive and unique looking.
MISHA
Keep paying your therapist to tell you that. People can spell "terrier."
RADLEY
"Lhasa apso/shih tzu/chihuahua" is so hard.
MISHA
Radley, she's looking this way!
(Misha and Radley go instant smiles, posing like Calvin Klein Obsession models.)
MISHA (Continued)
(singsong, corner of her mouth)
You're drooling.
RADLEY
(singsong, corner of his mouth)
You're in heat.
MISHA
(singsong, corner of her mouth)
Your dick is showing.
(The human shifts her attention to the doggie in the window. Misha and Radley return to normal.)
RADLEY
Forget it, she's on to the display case. Who's the pooch? She's so cute I want to bite off her head and stuff it down her neck.
MISHA
New kid from last week. Just back from the groomers.
RADLEY
Hardly recognized her.
MISHA
She got the whole makeover. Shampoo, flea dip, high colonic irrigation.
RADLEY
She does look like she lost weight.
MISHA
If she looks at her ass, she'll find it.
RADLEY
Mee-ow.
(Misha points.)
RADLEY (Continued)
(squints)
Whoah, you're right. It was hiding in the corner. How could I miss it? It's like her little ass is draped over her big ass.
MISHA
If she laid down, she'd roll over.
RADLEY
J.Lo laughs at that ass.
MISHA
(to TV dog)
White fur sure ain't becoming on you, sweetness.
RADLEY
Oh! Oh! If they said, "Get your ass off the sofa," she'd have to make two trips.
(Misha and Radley high-five through the bars.)
MISHA
Hey, Radley?
RADLEY
Yeah, Meesh?
MISHA
Do you wanna, I dunno, do you wanna make a pact? Like wherever one goes, the other goes. Wherever the other goes, one goes.
RADLEY
What if someone goes somewhere or neither goes nowhere?
MISHA
You lost me.
RADLEY
Exactly.
MISHA
Yeah, never mind, bad idea.
RADLEY
'Sides, we can't go making promises we can't keep.
MISHA
I said, all right. I get it.
RADLEY
Me, f'rinstance. I'm my own mutt, I play by my own rules. I'm a canine Jack Kerouac.
MISHA
Okay...
RADLEY
No offense, now.
MISHA
None taken.
RADLEY
Nothing personal.
MISHA
Are you finished?
RADLEY
(Humphrey Bogart impression)
And you... you're part of this shopping mall, you make it work. If that woman leaves this pet store and you're not with her, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But soon and for the rest of your nine lives.
MISHA
Nine lives? Have you been sneaking catnip again?
RADLEY
You get my drift.
MISHA
Yeah, yeah. I just... I don't know, I'm so tired of being stuck here, you know? I want a dish with my name on it. I want my own backyard. I want... I want a real family.
RADLEY
You're better off without me anyway, Meesh. You got the looks, the charm; I'd just get in the way.
MISHA
That's not true at all.
RADLEY
I'm the runt of my litter. I'm from the pound, I don't even have a license. My price keeps dropping.
MISHA
I'll pay for both of us. A two-for-one deal.
(The human picks up the TV dog, rubs noses.)
RADLEY
It's all moot anyway. Groomer dog's still holding the attention. Youth is so wasted on puppies. Bet she still doesn't know how to play dead.
MISHA
Want to know what's worse? I hear she's a celebrity. Had a threesome with the "Frasier" dog and Joan Rivers' dog.
RADLEY
Swear?
MISHA
Right on the QVC couch. Balls to the wind. Doggie style.
RADLEY
Dang, then we really got no chance against a TV dog.
(As the human pets the TV dog, her huge diamond ring sparkles.)
MISHA
Dude, take a gander at the rock on her finger.
RADLEY
Whooo-eee, dog. I'd be in the laps of luxury. Servants at my beck and call. Silver collar. Alpo every day.
MISHA
No, dear, you'd be outdoor. For show. 'Cause if you were indoor, you'd stink and mess up the Persian rugs. Once a day the kids would come out and ride your back. They'd tug and spit on your fur and get it all matted, then the vet would shave everything but your head and tail.
RADLEY
(crosses legs)
Everything?
MISHA
Everything times seven.
RADLEY
That wouldn't be... so... bad.
MISHA
'Member Mr. and Mrs. Worthington the third? Been there, done that, got the scar to prove it.
RADLEY
You got that scar from humping a cheese grater.
MISHA
It was left out. I couldn't resist.
RADLEY
I think they spayed and neutered your brain, woman. Girls aren't supposed to hump.
MISHA
At least they didn't snip something of mine and feed it to the cat.
RADLEY
Bitch.
MISHA
Thanks.
(The human puts down the TV dog, pats it on the rump.)
MISHA (Continued)
Hey, Radley?
RADLEY
Yeah, Meesh?
MISHA
Do you think I have a big butt?
RADLEY
Uh. No comment.
MISHA
What? Come on, tell me. Please please please please. If you were a strange dog, would you sniff it?
RADLEY
I'll take the fifth on that.
MISHA
The fifth on what?
RADLEY
I'm not getting into it. I like my life.
MISHA
You think I'm fat, don't you?
RADLEY
I didn't say nothing.
MISHA
You don't have to say nothing, because I hear it loud and clear, and you said plenty. If you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all.
RADLEY
What'd I say?
MISHA
Precisely.
RADLEY
Purebreds.
MISHA
What's that?
RADLEY
Nothing.
MISHA
There you go again.
RADLEY
I can't talk to you when you're like this. All that incestual breeding rattling around in your head. Are you on the rag?
MISHA
I-have-been-fixed! How dare you. Do I mention your microscopic neuter surgery?
RADLEY
All the time! You just did!
MISHA
Talk to the paw. I'm done with you.
RADLEY
Good.
MISHA
Good.
RADLEY
Fine.
MISHA
I think it's good you don't want a pact. I think maybe it's time we spent some time apart. I think maybe -- omigod, she's coming!
(The human approaches Misha and Radley. Both go wide-eyed and follow her movements.)
(The human reaches toward Radley's crate. Radley sticks out his tongue at Misha.)
(But then, the human moves on to Misha's crate and opens the door. The human attaches a leash to her.)
MISHA (Continued)
It's the silver collar! Radley, it's the silver collar, what we always dreamed about. You come too. I'll put in a word. There's gotta be room for one more.
RADLEY
Stop it.
MISHA
C'mon, Radley. We're a pair, we go together. We have a pact. I'll tell them --
RADLEY
No.
MISHA
Well... well... I'll give you a buzz when I get settled.
RADLEY
No phone number.
MISHA
Then I'll write you.
RADLEY
No opposable thumbs.
MISHA
Then, then...
(Through the bars, Misha tries to hug Radley. Radley backs away.)
MISHA (Continued)
Radley...
RADLEY
Have a great life.
MISHA
Don't be like this. I'll say we're family, I'll say we can't break up the litter. I'll say --
RADLEY
(growls)
Dammit, Misha, just go!
(Misha stops, stunned.)
RADLEY (Continued)
Did you hear me? I said, get your fat, smelly ass out of my sight and go! I don't ever want to see you again!
(Misha whimpers, walks away with the human. Both exit.)
(Radley squeezes the chew toy. It squeaks. He gently slides the toy into Misha's crate.)
RADLEY (Continued)
Here's looking at you, kid.
(Radley curls into a ball.)
(Suddenly, offstage, a LOUD BARK.)
HUMAN (Offstage)
OW! SON OF A --!
(Misha comes running out, the leash trailing behind. She enters her crate, closes the door.)
MISHA
You see that?
RADLEY
Thinks she's too good for us.
MISHA
Wouldn't know quality if she stepped in it.
RADLEY
High maintenance princess.
MISHA
Better off with a poodle.
RADLEY
Or a tree frog.
MISHA
I'm telling you. She doesn't have a clue what family's all about. Not a clue.
(Misha removes her silver collar, gives it to Radley to put on. They both smile.)
END OF PLAY
Grubby is a writer and professional gambler from Las Vegas, NV.
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