June 23, 2005

How To Fuck a Donkey

By Daddy © 2005

Before we go any further I think it is important that everyone know the proper way to fuck a donkey. There are several approaches, but none more efficient than this one. I prefer to call this the "Backdoor Cut" approach, but it is also known in parts of Appalachia as "Slapjacking," "Mule Greasing," and "The Old Rough n' Tumble."


What You'll Need

a) 30' rope - polypropylene or vinyl will work, but I prefer some good ole-fashioned Manila. This rope needs to be at least 1/2" in diameter with 2300 lb. + breaking strength. Donkeys have a tendency to get all riled up when you try to fuck them.

b) A standard 2 x 4 at least 2' in length. I've also used a baseball bat when I've been in a pinch, and I've got several friends who prefer to use an iron tire tool. It doesn't matter really, as long as it's 2' in length, and can withstand a pissed off donkey.

c) Pocketknife. I've still got a Swiss Army knife that I got for my 13th birthday. Any pocketknife will do as long as it's good and sharp.



Once you've gathered together all of your equipment and found yourself a healthy young donkey, everything else pretty much falls into place.

Step 1 - The Tie-off
First, approach the donkey and establish a good rapport. You don't exactly have to be best friends, but it helps if there's a little bit of trust. Once you've achieved this, take the length of rope and wrap it around the donkey's waist just below the stomach. After you've wrapped it around the waist completely, tie it off in a standard square knot.

Step 2 - The Exposure
By this time the donkey is certainly a bit curious as to what you plan to do. I usually give him a pat on the back of the neck, and maybe a quick ear-scratch just for reassurance. To complete this step you'll need to insert the 2 x 4 inbetween the rope and the donkey's stomach. Once the board is in place, slowly begin to turn the board in a clockwise fashion so that it tightens up the grip of the rope on the stomach much like a tourniquet. As the board is turned more and more the stomach will start pushing on the lower intestines forcing the inside of the donkey's anus to protrude outside of his body. Once the fleshy anus muscle has been exposed close to six inches you can stop turning the board.

Step 3 - The Lambasting
With the exposed anus muscle in front of you, begin making sweet passionate love. Once you've neared your climax, take the pocketknife out and cut the rope. This pressure release will cause the protruded anus and everything that is inside of it to go rushing back into the donkey. This in turn will almost certainly suck you completely off and finish the job.

Daddy is a twisted fuck from Southern Indiana.

8 comments:

generic cialis 20mg said...

Hello, I do not agree with the previous commentator - not so simple

Anonymous said...

That's incredible ! I wonder if it will work for my girlfriend ?

baba ganoush h'suonag abab said...

anon#2 give it a try with yor girlfriend she might like it if not she'll call the cops ... or try to kill you good luck

Imran the Fool said...

This is really helpful. I have tried various methods - the cattle prod, the taser, the animal husbandry rubber glove - but your approach holds more promise. The promise of joy. The promise of self actualization. Since I have taken here, I always want to give. If travelling in the Algarve, always carry a small calibre pistol and a tube of truffle oil - in case you meet a horny widow. That's a trade secret, but I'm sharing with you. Cause of the great advice you gave me and my cousins on how to fuck a donkey. Thanky thanky.

Anonymous said...

what the fuck

Anonymous said...

Straight up just got a massive boner

Anonymous said...

There was one drunken weekend in Buffalo. I woke up in bed with a horse and the lights were on. I cosidered this very unusual. I always turn the lights off when I go to bed! However boning a burro appeals to my sense of erotic adventure. Would I have to buy the donkey dinner and drinks first?

Anonymous said...

Raming my goo bazooka into the grity bunghole of a donkey!!!!!Why not.....safer than fucking a porcupine!!