Hell Pro Support

By Sigge S. Amdal © 2010

* You've reached Hell Pro Support. Please hold while we find an available technician to answer your call! The conversation may be recorded for training purposes...

* Hi, Hell Support, Joan speaking. May I have your service tag, please?
* Yes, of course. It's two-oh-four-four-a for alpha-m for male and sixty-nine.
* Thank you.... That's a Hell OfficeComp E2000? And I see that you've got Pro Support.
* Yes. That's why I called the Pro Support number.
* Hang on, while I connect you to one of our Pro Support technicians.

* You've reached Hell Pro Support. Please state which of our products you are calling about. Press 1 for Laptop Computers. Press 2 for Desktop Computers. Press 3 for Hell Server Products.
* #1
* Press 1 for EasyComp. Press 2 for OfficeComp. Press-
* #2
* Please hold while we find an available technician to answer your call! Please be aware that you must have your service tag ready and be near the system in question...

Did you know that most of the tools and drivers our technicians use are available on our website? Just go to support dot euro dot hell dot com. Your call is important to us, thanks for holding. We'll soon find an available technician to answer your call. The conversation may be recorded for training purposes...

* Hi! This is Rhonda from Pro Support!
* Hi, I'm John from Just another office. Do you want the service-tag?
* No, I've got it.
* Okay.
* So what do you want to do today, hot stuff?
* I seem to be having some hardware trouble.
* Let's start with what you're wearing...
* I can see the hard drive in BIOS but I just can't boot.
* Ooooh, you're just a nasty little one, aren't you John? You're dressed for trouble. I'm going to “get into” something more comfortable here... Taking off my black leather boots.
* Pressing F12. Diagnostics. Right, it's running.
* Ah, that feels good. Do you want to lick the boot?
* "Did you see colors on the screen?" Yes. Alright. It's running some memory test now.
* I said: Do you want to lick it!?
* This usually takes a while. I'm not having any memory issues, so I'll just skip ahead, alright?
* You're a naughty little man, John, and I'm gonna have to punish you!
* Alright, alright. No need to get agitated... *sigh*
* That's better, little man. I'm taking my top off now. Removing the bra... *groan* I'm fondling my big, black breasts, tickling the left nipple with the edge of my tongue. What are you doing, John?
* It's still running.
* Ummm...that's right, John. Take those damn things off you! I want you naked as a baby when you worship me. It's cold and dark here, but I still want you down on the concrete floor. Naked...
* Ah! Finished! Booting Diagnostics Utility...
* That's better, John. You're a whimpy little man,you know that? I bet you got your ass kicked in school every day, John. Didn't you honey?
* Right. It says Express Test, Comprehensive Test, Custom Test and Test Memory.
* Now I want you to crawl towards me. Slowly. NO I don't care that the concrete hurts your skin! CRAWL TO ME, JOHN!
* Custom Test, okay. Selecting Non-Interactive Tests only.
* EYES DOWN, DAMMIT! Keep your shitty little eyes down, John!
* So do I select all the tests or just the hard disk related ones?
* I don't give a fuck what you want to do, John, you're just here to worship me. Now, LICK MY LITTLE TOE, YOU BASTARD! Put the whole thing in your mouth and suck it!
* Running Device Self-Test...
* Mmmm... that feels good, John. You're a good little sucker, ain't you John? ...KEEP SUCKING IT, DAMMIT!
* Seems alright to me.
* Now look up at my panties... don't you dare look at my eyes, John, don't you dare. The panties!
* Look, I can't sit here doing an entire surface scan while on the phone. Besides, the Device Self-Test in the pre-boot environment didn't report any SMART errors so there's no reason I would discover anything here that would account for my booting problems. I'm thinking more of a motherboard issue.
* Do you like my little, black panties? They're made of licorice, John....
* I'll just cancel the surface scan and run a motherboard test?
* YOU SORRY PIECE OF SHIT, JOHN! Did I say you could taste the licorice panties? Huh?
* Alright, alright. Don't get your knickers in a twist.
* You're going to behave, little John. I'm not going to stand for this mischief... see this? That's right! Mama's bringing out the horse whip.
* See? No errors. Just like I said.
* Oh, you don't look so smug now, do you John?
* Wait a minute!
* *CRACK!*
* I got an error right towards the end here!
* THAT'S RIGHT, JOHN! MAMA'S NOT AFRAID TO USE IT EITHER!
* It's Eff-Zero-Zero-Zero
* *CRACK!*
* Colon
* OOOOH... is it too big for you honey? Do you want the pony whip? I'm gonna ride the living shit it out of you, John.
* Two-four-two-two.
* That's right! Now get down on all fours!
* Oh, really? And how much is that gonna cost me?
* Spread those puny legs out, John! RIGHT THIS MINUTE!
* No, the warranty ran out some three-four months ago.
* Steady... Now TAKE IT JOHN!
* Ouch!
* You're my little play-pony, ain't you John? TAKE IT LIKE A LITTLE PONY!
* I'm gonna have to check this up with Finance, first.
* Be a good pony, John! A good pony!
* Well, it's an old system, and we're gonna roll it out sooner rather than later.
* Awww. You want to be comforted now, John?
* But I thought it was worth checking.
* Oh, did my little pony come on the concrete floor, huh? Did my little pony come?
* Yeah, but thanks a lot!
* Then get the fuck out, John. That's right. The show's over.
* Okay. Merry Christmas. Bye!
* Merry Christmas. Bye!


Sigge S. Amdal is a word wanker from Oslo, Norway.