By AlCantHang © 2010
It was merely a trip across the state line barely stressful walking conditions if it wasn't for the driving rain. That was just something which came into play during my way home.
"You wanna go to another dive bar?" my newly found cousin asked me.
I came to find a this long lost cousin at a local bar near my old homestead in Pennsylvania. We hung out whenever she could get away from her drunken husband and I provided her a little amusement. This time she wanted to go see her friend run karaoke night at a bar across the state line in Delaware, which should be considered another country. Bars close at 1am, last call by at least 12:30pm, nothing resembling a decent bar scene and we were arriving with only 90 minutes of drinking time.
The bar was sitting in an old mall that in it's day was once actually pretty well done. Now it's mostly empty: a closed up Wendy's franchise, the old K-Mart stands vacant and the biggest store in the mall was a "ghetto" grocery. A Chinese buffet was located in between the bar and a Dominos Pizza. The rest of the mall was dead except for the dozen or so cars in front of the bar.
The bar served their drinks big and fast as long as you could catch the bartender when she wasn't singing karaoke. I was drinking with my cousin's god-daughter. Not nearly as creepy as it sounds -- she's not far from her 30th birthday but she is smaller than my cousin and very quiet. The three of us were having a grand ol' time until moments before last call when an older gentleman took a liking my cousin's god-daughter. At first it was funny watching the old man make a drunken pass. And she was game enough to just play him off. Just having a good time.
Then old drunk guy reached over and grabbed himself a handful of god-daughter. I jumped out of my seat and gave him the best "OY!" I had in my system. A dirty "I can do whatever I want" grab of a young woman did not stand with me.
I generally do not look like a person you want to fuck with. I can easily snap into I-will-fuck-you-up biker mode with the hair and girth. For the last 40 years, it has never once failed me when I yell "OY!" and look like I'm going to eat your next born. People generally shrink away even though I barely reach 5-foot-nothing. Not once in my life had it failed, that is, until the "old dude" took a fucking swing at my gourd.
And he connected with a respectable pop.
After my new friend popped me in the side of the head I most kindly introduced him to the floor without ever throwing a single punch back at the guy who could be my grandpa. He simply fell over. I'm not proud to say that the force on his head when it met the floor was slightly in excess of the gravitational pull of the Earth, but you will understand that my head was still ringing a little so my balance was a little off.
Hours afterward, my left ear still had a bit of ring to it and I was mildly impressed. In the end a nose was bloodied, a little dignity was lost, and the girl who's honor I defended was gone before grandpa hit the floor. I was left to walk the 2 miles back home and think about it.
AlCantHang is a professional party animal originally from Pennsylvania.