October 05, 2007

What Might Have Been

By Sean A. Donahue © 2007

The struggles of life are few and far between. We walk through life looking for the elusive, looking for the elite, or looking to be the elite.

Sometimes in our search for what we want, we find what we really need. But we are too self absorbed or blind to see it.

Again, I think the big guy upstairs has it right. You want A, I'm going to give you B and you're going to hate it, but its better for you in the long run. You want B, I'm going to give you A and make you hate A, though A is better for you.

So I look back and examine, "What Might Have Been."

I once thought that marrying my high school sweetheart would have been the best for me. But we had just those moments together and though we can look back and see what we had then, we can never go back and see what could have been. We reminisce on old stories and jokes but cannot find common ground now. I used to be able to talk to her about anything but it seems awkward now. Both of us have closed that chapter on each of our lives. We were good then, but not now. Somehow, the big guy got it right.

I once thought that marrying my high school crush would have been the best for me. We once met up in a hotel room in Bedford; her wish was to show me that she was the best for me and that my ex-wife would have been a mistake. Wow, what a mistake I thought I first made. How I looked back during the first couple years of my marriage and thought I screwed up, I should have married her. But then I see my daughter Shelby and my son Ryan and though Angela and I have moved on and apart, the love and the commitment of our love will always be shown in these two wonderful kids. Again, the big guy got it right!

So now I look back and wonder why my last serious relationship failed. I allowed myself to fall for someone who wanted to run my life and not love me for who I was, mistakes and all. I thought that walking away was a mistake. But now I get comments and letters and I see what a mistake it was. I see her as the troubled young woman that will still be my friend even though she hates who she thinks I am now.

Sometimes you just can't argue with three for three.

I could show about the friends and family who remind me about who I am.

"Always try to help others, but never help yourself," my mom brought up the other day.

"I never think about myself, just about others because it's who I am. It'll pay off in the future," I replied.

But now I wonder what does the Big Guy have in store for me next? I am always in a wondering mood, what pitfalls, and what great successes does he have in my future.

I could ask for the Cliff Notes version of what's going to happen, but I don't think it's out yet. I think that Mom saying I need to explore who I am and what I can do for myself is first and foremost on my mind. Some nights I look at the ceiling and wonder what will happen to me tomorrow.

I guess I just will have to take a chance and get out of bed in the morning to find out!

Thanks for the ride big guy. I'm leaving the directing to your hands, I'm ready for my cue Mr. De Mille.

Sean A. Donahue is a freelance writer, radio personality and poker player. He is the author of Instant Tragedy which looks at his life and those who he has touched and been touched by. He is divorced with two children and lives in Lubbock, Texas.

No comments: