By Daddy © 2006
"Happy New Year, man. Sorry I didn't stick around."
"Bro, no shit. We were all wondering where you went. I'm assuming you had a productive night with whatever her name was, eh?"
"Shit. Worst New Year's ever. Easily."
"Yikes, man. Didn't land any of that ass then, I take it?"
"Nah, I got the ass."
"Well, fuck. What are you bitching about? My wife passed out at midnight, and wouldn't budge."
"Well, her name was Lori, and I think she's from Brookville. I do know she ate Mexican food with her cousin before the party, and that ended up being the demise to my New Year's."
"What did she have?"
"How the fuck am I supposed to know? Probably enchiladas. That's not the point though. All I know is whatever it was it fucked her up pretty good."
"Did she puke everywhere?"
"Not that I know of. She was just fine at the bar when we left you guys. Her cousin lives in town, and she got the keys to her place. She drove us over and as soon as we got there she had a bottle of wine cracked, and put some Usher on the stereo."
"I think. That's who she said it was anyway. That's not the point though. She was all over me, dude. I had zero doubts that I was gonna rail that ass."
"Is Usher the name of the band, or just the guy?"
"Fuck if I know. I couldn't even hear the shit by the time we made it into her cousin's bedroom. We were practically naked by the time we fell onto the bed. This girl was apeshit crazy too. Kept asking me to call her names and shit. I had her doggied for about fifteen minutes or so, and was pretty close to losing my shit when she told me to roll over so she could ride me."
"That rules, bro."
"Well, she starts to ride me, and it's hot as fuck in this room, so we're both sweating like Patrick Ewing in a sauna, when all of a sudden she just stops. I ask her if she's okay, and she looks at me and says, 'I don't feel so good.'
"Had you blown yet?"
"Fuck no. I was damn close, but that's not the point. She cropdusted me, dude."
"Yeah, she farted and sprayed a mist all over my balls. As soon as she'd realized what she'd done, she started crying and ran into the bathroom. I could hear her crying, but just barely over the sounds that were coming out of her ass."
"Let me get this straight. She shit on your balls? That's a bad beat, dude."
"Yes. It was basically a wet misty fart, but still not cool, bro. And it stunk too. Real fuckin' bad. So, the way I saw it, I only had one thing left to do."
"Did you whip that bitch's ass?"
"Nah, man. I finished the job she couldn't. I sat on the side of the bed and rubbed that fucker out. I was so pissed off I just let it fly too. Got it all over the curtains. The best part though was wiping off my hog on her cousin's teddy bear. I wiped my shitsoaked bag off on that little bear too."
"Man, it sounds like that fucking bear got the worst of it."
"Yeah, I got the fuck outta there quickly. She was still crying and shitting when I left. I didn't even say good-bye."
"Sweet. Yeah, fuck her anyway. Who does she think she is shitting on your sack?"
"I had to walk five blocks just to catch a cab. When I finally got back to my place I could still smell her enchiladas on my balls."
"That's sick, bro."
"Yeah, I took a long shower. My guess is that I ushered in the New Year scrubbing my grundle with a test tube brush and a gallon of bleach."
"Is Usher considered rap or R&B?"
"Fuck if I know, that's not the point. The point is, this was the worst New Year's ever. I've only told you half the story. As soon as I got out of the shower, I fired up PokerStars. I wanted to sit at a Deep Stacks tourney, but they didn't have any running. After the enchilada ordeal, it's safe to say I was on mega-tilt, so I did what everyone else would've done it that situation."
"Nah. I took my entire bankroll to a no limit table. I only had about four grand left after I bought Candice the engagement ring, but I wanted action."
"Well, since you've already said it was the worst night ever, I'm assuming you lost your roll?"
"First fucking hand, and I'm dealt 'Jimmy Walker'."
"What's 'Jimmy Walker'?"
"Jack of clubs, Jack of spades. If it holds up you have to type 'DYNOMITE!!' into the chat box."
"Sweet, bro. That's hilarious."
"Anyway, I raise it up 3 big blinds from early position and there's one caller. The flop comes: Jack of hearts, Seven of spades, Three of clubs."
"No way you lost here, man. Did he hit quads?"
"I check, obviously. He bets the pot. I ponder for a bit, and I raised. I ask him 'Did you hit your Jacks?' He types in the chatbox, 'Yes,' and pushes his entire stack which has me covered. I call, obviously, and he shows the Ten of clubs, and the 4 of clubs."
"Fucking sick! Dead to runner runner clubs, and hit?"
"Nah, he turned the eight, and fifth brought the nine. Runner-runner-double-gut down to the felt. I was devastated, bro."
"No shit. Too bad you didn't have a teddy bear."
Daddy is a donkey fucker from Hilljack, Indiana.